Managing relationships Archives - Better Health While Aging

6 Steps to Take When Aging Parents Need Help – Even if They’re Resisting

getting aging mother to accept help Have you noticed worrisome changes in your aging parent?

Maybe they’ve been mostly okay but now you’re seeing problems with memory, such as forgetfulness or asking the same questions repeatedly. Or maybe you’ve noticed trouble with driving, keeping up the house, managing stairs, or paying bills.

Some aging parents simply begin to seem more withdrawn. Others start leveling accusations at others, claiming someone took or moved something, or acting paranoid.

For many adult children, these changes lead to mounting questions. What’s wrong? What’s happening? Is it safe for Mom to keep driving? Should Dad live alone much longer?

I think of this as the “uh-oh” stage. It’s a transition no one looks forward to, and most haven’t prepared for: the time when you might have to start helping your aging parent.

And for many, it comes with an added challenge: Most aging parents don’t welcome much help from their adult children. They may see it as interference, or an invasion of privacy.

Some parents might even refuse to accept that they’re having difficulties, despite issues that feel glaringly obvious—and concerning—to you.

By the time you’re noticing changes and have safety concerns, it’s quite possible that you’re right: that your parent does need help of some kind. So how should you best get involved, especially if your attempts to do so have gone poorly in the past?

Well, it’s certainly not easy. These situations are complicated from a medical and eldercare perspective, plus they tend to bring up difficult emotions for older parents and adult children alike.

But I do believe that it’s crucial for families to get involved. It’s not likely to be easy. But it can be easier, if you’re able to learn the better ways to do so—and also what to stop doing. [Read more…]

Q&A: What You Can Do if You’re Worried About “Incompetence”

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH 50 Comments

Q: My 87 year old father lives alone. His house has become increasingly dirty, but he refuses to get help, even though I’m sure he needs it. I’m worried that he’s becoming incompetent, but he doesn’t want to go see the doctor. What can I do?

A: This situation does come up a fair bit with aging parents and relatives. I’m sorry to say there usually are no easy solutions. But there are definitely things you can and should do, and it’s better to act sooner rather than later.

Let’s review what you can do. I’ll also explain what I’ve learned about “incompetence” over the years, and how doctors usually play a role in the evaluation of such older adults.

Then, I’ll share some thoughts on how older people and families can plan ahead, to avoid facing this kind of dilemma. And then last but not least, I share a few thoughts on taking care of yourself as you go through this.

What’s probably going on with your father

[Read more…]

Sex When Caregiving:
Navigating Your Changing Relationship (Even if There’s Dementia)

by Nicole Didyk, MD 9 Comments

(This article is part 2 of a special guest series by geriatrician Dr. Nicole Didyk, founder of the blog and YouTube channel The Wrinkle. Like me, Dr. Didyk has a particular interest in informing and empowering older adults and families. So I’ve been very glad to have her contributing to the site these past few months — you may have noticed she’s been helping me answer comments — and I’m thrilled to say she’ll be covering some topics that I haven’t yet had the time to address. Enjoy! — L. Kernisan)

Let me begin by sharing a true story:

One of the most unforgettable couples I ever worked with was Grace and David. Grace developed Alzheimer’s at the age of 63, and within 2 years of diagnosis, her symptoms were such that she moved into a long-term care home and used a wheelchair to get around.

She and David had been married for 42 years, had 4 kids, a dairy farm, and a warm and affectionate marriage. David continued to visit Grace 3 times a week, until her death (after a bout of pneumonia) at the age of 69, and in the last two years, his girlfriend, Linda, accompanied him almost every time.

I remember being so touched by the way that David and his new partner lovingly advocated for Grace when she needed it, with both stepping in to provide hands-on care when staff at the home were overwhelmed. There were some who judged David for so boldly “having an affair”, but most saw his involvement in a new relationship as a much-needed respite for him, and a way to expand the circle of love for Grace.

Have you ever met a couple like Grace and David? Keep their story in mind, as I share more about Sex and Caregiving, and Sex and the Changing Brain.

How does sex and intimacy change when one partner becomes a caregiver?

[Read more…]

5 Easy Ways to Connect with a Different Generation (& Why it Matters)

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH 3 Comments

When is the last time you had a really meaningful conversation with someone from a different generation? And who was it with?

Was it with a grandchild? A niece? Your own parent? A neighbor? Or maybe even the person standing next to you in line at the store?

While these types of connections happen every day across the United States, they probably aren’t happening enough.

And that’s a shame, given that research suggests these intergenerational connections are actually really valuable to people of all ages.

For instance, in 2018, the AARP conducted a national survey of grandparents to learn more about this intergenerational relationship and what it means to older adults. Almost 90% of grandparents reported their relationship with their grandchildren is good for their mental well-being.

However, the survey also found that distance was the number one barrier to seeing grandchildren more often, with over half of grandparents reporting they have at least one grandchild who lives more than 200 miles away. Sixty-one percent of grandparents reported wanting more information about connecting with their grandchildren and staying relevant in their lives.

I first heard about these findings at a conference last summer, when I met Kerry Byrne, PhD, a fellow aging and family caregiving expert who has developed a special interest in intergenerational connections, and in the grandparent-grandchild relationship in particular.

Partly due to her own experience living abroad and trying to keep her children close to their grandparents, in 2019 she founded The Long Distance Grandparent, a website dedicated to helping grandparents and grandchildren connected, even if they live far from each other.

I find this topic of intergenerational connections fascinating. Among other things, it has a role in countering ageism!

So I invited Kerry to join me on the podcast, to talk about how older adults can stay more connected to people of different generations, whether that’s with grandchildren or with people outside their family.

If you are a grandparent yourself, or just want to learn more about why intergeneration connections matter and how you can foster them in your own life, I hope you’ll take a listen to the podcast, or read through the transcript.

Both are available on the show notes page, which you can find here: 102 – Interview: The Importance of Grandparents & Intergenerational Connections

5 Practical Ways to Have More Intergenerational Connections

Here are five specific things Kerry suggests that older adults can do, to foster more intergenerational connections: [Read more…]

Incompetence & Losing Capacity:
Answers to 7 FAQs

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH 97 Comments

Have you ever been concerned about an older relative who seems to be making bad decisions?

Perhaps your elderly father insists he has no difficulties driving, even though he’s gotten into some fender benders and you find yourself a bit uncomfortable when you ride in the car with him.

Or you’ve worried about your aging aunt giving an alarming amount of money to people who call her on the phone.

Or maybe it’s your older spouse, who has started refusing to take his medication, claiming that it’s poisoned because the neighbor is out to get him.

These situations are certainly concerning, and they often prompt families to ask me if they should be worried about an older adult becoming “incompetent.”

In response, I usually answer that we need to do at least two things: [Read more…]

What’s probably going on with your father

How does sex and intimacy change when one partner becomes a caregiver?

5 Practical Ways to Have More Intergenerational Connections

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