Managing relationships Archives - Better Health While Aging

5 Easy Ways to Connect with a Different Generation (& Why it Matters)

When is the last time you had a really meaningful conversation with someone from a different generation? And who was it with?

Was it with a grandchild? A niece? Your own parent? A neighbor? Or maybe even the person standing next to you in line at the store?

While these types of connections happen every day across the United States, they probably aren’t happening enough.

And that’s a shame, given that research suggests these intergenerational connections are actually really valuable to people of all ages.

For instance, in 2018, the AARP conducted a national survey of grandparents to learn more about this intergenerational relationship and what it means to older adults. Almost 90% of grandparents reported their relationship with their grandchildren is good for their mental well-being.

However, the survey also found that distance was the number one barrier to seeing grandchildren more often, with over half of grandparents reporting they have at least one grandchild who lives more than 200 miles away. Sixty-one percent of grandparents reported wanting more information about connecting with their grandchildren and staying relevant in their lives.

I first heard about these findings at a conference last summer, when I met Kerry Byrne, PhD, a fellow aging and family caregiving expert who has developed a special interest in intergenerational connections, and in the grandparent-grandchild relationship in particular.

Partly due to her own experience living abroad and trying to keep her children close to their grandparents, in 2019 she founded The Long Distance Grandparent, a website dedicated to helping grandparents and grandchildren connected, even if they live far from each other.

I find this topic of intergenerational connections fascinating. Among other things, it has a role in countering ageism!

So I invited Kerry to join me on the podcast, to talk about how older adults can stay more connected to people of different generations, whether that’s with grandchildren or with people outside their family.

If you are a grandparent yourself, or just want to learn more about why intergeneration connections matter and how you can foster them in your own life, I hope you’ll take a listen to the podcast, or read through the transcript.

Both are available on the show notes page, which you can find here: 102 – Interview: The Importance of Grandparents & Intergenerational Connections

5 Practical Ways to Have More Intergenerational Connections

Here are five specific things Kerry suggests that older adults can do, to foster more intergenerational connections: [Read more…]

Incompetence & Losing Capacity:
Answers to 7 FAQs

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH 66 Comments

Have you ever been concerned about an older relative who seems to be making bad decisions?

Perhaps your elderly father insists he has no difficulties driving, even though he’s gotten into some fender benders and you find yourself a bit uncomfortable when you ride in the car with him.

Or you’ve worried about your aging aunt giving an alarming amount of money to people who call her on the phone.

Or maybe it’s your older spouse, who has started refusing to take his medication, claiming that it’s poisoned because the neighbor is out to get him.

These situations are certainly concerning, and they often prompt families to ask me if they should be worried about an older adult becoming “incompetent.”

In response, I usually answer that we need to do at least two things: [Read more…]

6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH 62 Comments

Q: My mother is 80. She is very active (despite breaking her hip 2 years ago), she still attends water therapy 3 times a week at the YMCA, she drives to the base (which is 20 miles away) and pays her bills on time. She is a retired Psych nurse and has shown signs in the past of paranoia.

Lately, she has “heard” voices of her grandchildren in her home and called my sister. She also has difficulty with getting the right words to say out and has her sleep pattern out of whack and will call people at odd times of the night. With her independence comes the fact she won’t share any medical information because she thinks we are out to get her committed.

How can I test her/question her to find out the level of decline she may be in to make sure she is safe? — K

A: Great question. As you may know, it’s fairly common for aging parents to develop problems like the ones you are describing. Understandably, these problems are frustrating and worrying for adult children.

You are absolutely right to be concerned about your mom’s safety. I do have some ideas for how you can get started assessing her, which I share below.

But first I want to explain the most common causes of this type of behavior in older adults. That’s because one of the things you must do is help your mother and the doctors figure out why she’s developed these behavior changes and other symptoms.

A fair number of people don’t get around to the medical evaluation because they assume that these crazy behaviors are either normal aging (definitely false) or dementia such as Alzheimer’s (true about 40% of the time).

Furthermore, it’s often hard to get a resistant older parent medically evaluated.

Still, it’s worth persisting in this, because many causes of paranoia or other odd behavior in older people can be treated.

6 common causes of paranoid symptoms in the elderly

[Read more…]

Q&A: What You Can Do if You’re Worried About “Incompetence”

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH 41 Comments

Q: My 87 year old father lives alone. His house has become increasingly dirty, but he refuses to get help, even though I’m sure he needs it. I’m worried that he’s becoming incompetent, but he doesn’t want to go see the doctor. What can I do?

A: This situation does come up a fair bit with aging parents and relatives. I’m sorry to say there usually are no easy solutions. But there are definitely things you can and should do, and it’s better to act sooner rather than later.

Let’s review what you can do. I’ll also explain what I’ve learned about “incompetence” over the years, and how doctors usually play a role in the evaluation of such older adults.

Then, I’ll share some thoughts on how older people and families can plan ahead, to avoid facing this kind of dilemma. And then last but not least, I share a few thoughts on taking care of yourself as you go through this.

What’s probably going on with your father

[Read more…]

Q&A: What to do if your aging parent becomes rude & resistant

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH 75 Comments

[The following question was forwarded to me by Nancy Stein, who addresses caregiving questions on her blog at SeniorityMatters.com.]

Q: My loving, Jewish mother is 92 and has turned into a rude, abusive foul-mouthed woman who I no longer recognize.

She’s in relatively good health and amazingly lives in the same house I grew up in. She has an aide during the day. She won’t leave the house,treats the aide poorly and last weekend cursed out my very patient spouse. We’ve been getting 5 calls as day such as ” I”m having a heart attack; no one will tell me whether recycling comes today”!

I know she has early signs of dementia. Her cardiologist tells me not to take it to heart and this is not the same women who raised me. She won’t go to the JCC adult programs, complains about being lonely at night, yet hangs up on me when I tell her we can get an aide at night or sell the home and let her live in a facility with women her age, etc. She threatens to call the Police if someone comes to her home at night. I have a POA but don’t want to rob her of her independence at 92. I try to tell her to speak nicely to the aides, myself, my spouse, but she says ” I don’t remember or I must have reacted to something someone did or said.”

I feel guilty as I’m not spending as much time with her as I would like, but it’s a matter of survival. Jewish guilt is thrown about with impunity and I can’t tell whether she’s being manipulative and obsessing over bullshit ( “oh my God the outside light may burn out tonight” ) or she really can’t control herself. Her aide is a lovely human being but my mom orders her around like a slave. Who is this woman? I’m torn, anguishing over what to do and am doing nothing but try to correct her inappropriate behavior and language. I wanted to take her to a geriatric psychiatrist but she refused to go. Medication to calm her down is dangerous per the MD as she could fall, etc.

What should I do? I’m at my wits end.

Dr. K’s answer:

Wow, difficult situation but unfortunately not uncommon.

You say your mother has early signs of dementia, and it is true that “personality changes” can be due to an underlying dementia, such as fronto-temporal dementia or Alzheimer’s, especially if a family notices other changes in memory or thinking abilities.

But it doesn’t sound like your mother’s been clinically evaluated for dementia, and you don’t say whether this has been brought up with her primary care doctor.

How to Get Her Evaluated

[Read more…]

5 Practical Ways to Have More Intergenerational Connections

6 common causes of paranoid symptoms in the elderly

What’s probably going on with your father

Dr. K’s answer:

How to Get Her Evaluated

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