Q: My 87 year old father lives alone. His house has become increasingly dirty, but he refuses to get help, even though I’m sure he needs it. I’m worried that he’s becoming incompetent, but he doesn’t want to go see the doctor. What can I do?
A: This situation does come up a fair bit with aging parents and relatives. I’m sorry to say there usually are no easy solutions. But there are definitely things you can and should do, and it’s better to act sooner rather than later.
Let’s review what you can do. I’ll also explain what I’ve learned about “incompetence” over the years, and how doctors usually play a role in the evaluation of such older adults.
Then, I’ll share some thoughts on how older people and families can plan ahead, to avoid facing this kind of dilemma. And then last but not least, I share a few thoughts on taking care of yourself as you go through this.
The usual concern, for a person of this age, is that the person may have developed a dementia such as Alzheimer’s disease.
This is a pretty reasonable worry, since an estimated 30% of people aged 85+ have dementia. (Unsure of dementia vs Alzheimer’s? Here’s a good explainer about dementia and how it related to Alzheimer’s.)
And of course, if your older parent seems to be doing worse than before, when it comes to activities that require mental organization (such as keeping a house reasonably clean), that further increases the chance that some kind of brain deterioration is causing problems.
But, we should never start by jumping to the conclusion that someone has developed dementia.
The main thing you wrote above is that you’re worried about a dirty house and a refusal to get help. This could be due to thinking problems. But it could also be due to pain and mobility problems, combined with a common reluctance to accept assistance.
Still, I have to admit that in many similar cases that I’ve encountered, the older person does have cognitive impairment. And we do often find it’s substantial enough and irreversible enough to qualify as dementia. (For more on dementia diagnosis, see my post “How We Diagnose Dementia: the Practical Basics to Know.”)
Now, even if he does have dementia, that doesn’t mean we can’t improve his thinking. I often find that by adjusting medications or the older person’s situation, we can optimize brain function and help the person manage better, despite the underlying dementia.
We also sometimes find that an older person is experiencing delirium from an illness or other health problem, which can make the thinking worse than usual.
So, getting him the right medical evaluation and optimization is key. You might even be able to get him to the doctor not by saying “You need to be checked for dementia,” but by saying “We need the doctor to help you feel your best and be your best, since that helps you keep living at home for as long as possible, which you’ve said is important to you.” (It’s key to frame your suggestions as ways to help your father achieve his health and life goals.)
Of course, these are all things that can be found out after the older person has been medically evaluated, and by someone who knows how to assess cognitive symptoms correctly.
Part of your frustration is that your father doesn’t want to go see a doctor. So you’re stuck: worried that something’s wrong, worried that your father has become “incompetent,” and unsure as to how to move forward since your father is refusing to cooperate. Let’s talk about your options for doing something, despite your father’s reluctance.
How to get help in helping your father
Start by asking yourself whether you think your father really might have lost mental insight and abilities, as opposed to simply making choices that you disagree with. (See “8 Behaviors to Take Note of if You Think Someone is Getting Alzheimer’s“.)
If you think he really is cognitively impaired, then you probably should consider pushing things a little more, to get him the help he seems to need.
For more tips on how to get an aging parent to see the doctor, even if they’ve been resisting, watch this video:
I would also encourage you to make a list of specific concerns and red flags. You can use the “Quick Start Guide to Checking Older Parents” or a similar checklist, to help you identify specific problems that need attention.
Once you’ve decided how worried you are about dementia, and listed the key problems to address, here are some resources that can help:
- Your father’s regular doctor. This can be a good place to start, especially if it’s a doctor who has known your father for a while. Contrary to popular opinion, the HIPAA regulations (which govern the privacy of health information) do not preclude you, an adult child, from contacting your father’s doctor and relaying your observations and concerns. You can see if the doctor is willing to hear you out on the phone, and then do send in your concerns in writing, since those will usually be scanned into the chart. The doctor may be able to help you persuade your father to come in. On the other hand, if the doctor waves off your concerns saying there’s nothing to do, you’ll need to look elsewhere for help. And you’ll want to look for a doctor who is more up-to-date on the medical care of aging adults with cognitive impairment. For more on how the doctor should evaluate cognitive impairment, see here: Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.
- Adult Protective Services (APS). To find contact information for your local APS office, enter your father’s zip code in the locator at Eldercare.gov. APS caseworkers respond to reports of abuse or neglect of older adults, including “self-neglect.” Generally, the identity of the person reporting a concern to APS is kept confidential, so your father wouldn’t be told you reported him (although he may have his suspicions of course). APS offices tend to be overworked and underfunded, as is often the case for social services. But in principle, they will look into the situation, visit your father, review medical information from his doctor, assess his capacity to understand risks and give informed consent, and take action to ensure his safety if warranted. APS does sometimes initiate a court petition for legal guardianship of an older person. For more on APS, click here.
- Social worker experienced with older adults. To find a social worker to help you troubleshoot the situation, you can try calling your local Area Agency on Aging (see the Eldercare.gov locator again). Some primary care offices also offer social work services, especially if they are bigger or serve vulnerable populations. You can also try asking around at local senior centers. That said, in my experience, it’s rare for social workers to visit aging adults at home unless they are sent by a home health agency. So although it’s worth looking for one, if you want someone to go see your father at home — which you probably do — you may need to pay for a geriatric care manager or other “eldercare problem solver”.
- Geriatric care manager or eldercare expert. These professionals usually have to be paid out-of-pocket, and they specialize in helping aging adults and families get through all kinds of late-life challenges. They usually have a background in social work, gerontology, nursing, and/or family therapy. I have worked with several of them and they are quite helpful to families. They can do things like coach adult children on how to more constructively discuss difficult topics, mediate family conversations, and help families find the right kind of help. To find a professional affiliated with the Aging Life Care Association (formerly the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers), visit AgingLifeCare.org.
How to know if an older person is “incompetent”?
Now, you’re getting help because presumably, you want to help your father with his goals, which for most aging adults include maintaining independence, dignity, and quality of life.
But you also mentioned a worry that he is becoming “incompetent.” This is an important question to address, and families often ask me to weigh in on this. What I tell them is that as a doctor, it’s not for me to say whether the person is “competent.” Instead, my role is to help assess an older person’s capacity to make medical decisions, and also to identify underlying medical problems that might temporarily or permanently affect decision-making.
You should know that the term “incompetence” was historically used to refer to a legal determination. In other words, it’s up to courts, not doctors, to say whether someone is incompetent. This is governed by state law so different states have different criteria. But overall, if someone is found in court to be incompetent, they often will be assigned a guardian or conservator to manage decisions on their behalf.
To decide whether an older person is legally competent, the court will need to know about the person’s ability to manage certain major types of decisions. These might include:
- Medical consent capacity
- Sexual consent capacity
- Financial capacity
- Testametary capacity
- Capacity to drive
- Capacity to live independently
For more on incapacity, see this article: Incompetence & Losing Capacity: Answers to 7 FAQs.
The tricky thing about capacity is that it can certainly change depending on the day and situation. For instance, a person who is sick and delirious might temporarily lose all the above capacities. A bad depression could also affect capacity for some time. People with dementia or other forms of cognitive impairment are also prone to have their mental capacities fluctuate somewhat, depending on the day and whether their brains are functioning at their best.
So how do doctors and psychologists weigh in on capacity? The truth is that it’s pretty variable, and it’s also an area of law and clinical practice that is evolving.
For the best information on how clinicians should address issues related to capacity in older adults, I recommend this resource, which was created as a joint effort between the American Psychological Association and the American Bar Association: Assessment of Older Adults with Diminished Capacity: A Handbook for Psychologists.
Obviously, as it’s written for clinicians rather than for the public, it’s rather long and technical. (There are links to similar handbooks for lawyers and for judges here.) But if you really want to understand this topic, that’s the best info I’ve found.
But bear in mind that although the handbook above describes the best recommended practices, many clinicians may practice a little differently, often due to lack of time or training.
For instance, because medical problems often interfere with an older person’s mental capacities, doctors are routinely asked to weigh in. In principle, when asked about someone’s capacity, a doctor should first want to know “Capacity to do what, or decide what?” And then the doctor should write a statement specific to that question, providing documentation supporting his or her conclusions. The doctor should also ideally state whether any incapacity seems likely to be permanent or not.
But that’s not how things often work in the real world. In practice, I’ve often been asked just to say whether an older person “has capacity” with no additional specifications. I’ve also seen many doctors write vague statements saying “Mr. So-and-so has lost his mental capacities.”
How valid are such statements? I don’t really know, and suspect it depends on the jurisdiction and the purpose to which the doctor’s note is used. For instance, some people have trusts or other services that require a “doctor’s statement” in order to allow someone else to step in, and these may have different standards compared to the courts.
How to plan ahead to avoid these problems
The very best approach, of course, is for an older person to have previously planned for this situation. By this, I don’t mean simply completing paperwork in order to designate a relative or friend as durable power of attorney for health, and also for finances.
Don’t get me wrong, planning ahead with such power of attorney paperwork is very important and very helpful. (Read more about this here: How to Avoid Problems Due to Aging Incapacity: The (Better) Durable General Power of Attorney.)
However, such power of attorneys don’t quite address the situation that all aging adults should plan for: the possibility that they’ll be cognitively slipping and unable — or unwilling — to admit it and let others assist as needed.
I have only rarely seen older adults prepared for this, even though everyone has a fairly substantial chance of developing Alzheimer’s or another dementia provided they live long enough. (Remember, about 30% of those aged 85+ are cognitively impaired, and it goes up to about 50% of those aged 90+.)
Being a doctor, rather than a lawyer, I’m not qualified to say what constitutes the best preparation. I will say that the better situations that I’ve encountered occurred when an older person had:
- Created a trust,
- Designated a trustee or fiduciary to take over when needed,
- Specified what conditions would trigger trustee take-over, and
- Specified what the care priorities should be in the event that the older person became permanently unable to make decisions.
But again: I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. The expert advice consistently is to plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead.
To that I would add:
- Hope for the best
- Plan for the likely (eg eventual severe dementia if you’ve been diagnosed with mild dementia)
- Plan for the quite possible (a fall in which you break a hip, eventually developing dementia, etc)
Your father did not plan for this situation. However, as you help him work through the current situation, keep the above planning principles in mind! You’ll almost certainly have more to plan for, especially if he does end up diagnosed with dementia (which means you or someone else will need to make decisions at some point).
If you’d like to learn more about how to talk to your father about your concerns, and how to know when to step in, I cover this in more detail in my free training for families; see below.
As I said at the beginning, this kind of situation is hard to sort through.
It’s messy, and complicated, and stressful, and also tends to bring out whatever family tensions tend to come out when families face problems.
So. If you are worried about an aging father who lives at home alone and might be “incompetent,” you can’t just focus on helping your father. You’ll also have to start equipping yourself to handle what is likely to be a stressful and messy time for the next several months to years. Investing a little time — and possibly a little money — in this will pay off for your father, for you, and for those around you.
The basics of this include making sure you get enough sleep, regular exercise, nutritious food, activities that refresh the soul, and all the other things that are good for humans.
I would also recommend cultivating a mindfulness practice, if you don’t already have one. A variety of free resources are available online, and there are also apps such as Headspace and Calm. The key is to do at least 10 minutes every day. Or for more support, enroll in a mindfulness-based stress reduction course, such as this one.
Last but not least, you’ll need support from friends and family. It’s also usually helpful to get support from others facing similar challenges with aging parents; you can find these in-person and online. You’ll connect with people in similar situations, who will provide helpful suggestions and will completely understand when you need to vent your frustrations.
Good luck!!
This article was first published in 2015. Because I have gotten SO many questions about these types of situations, I wrote a book to walk families through what to do, and it covers the question of incompetence. Learn more here. This article was last reviewed & revised with minor updates in March 2022.
Thank you for this detailed and thoughtful article on a most difficult subject! I heartily concur with the ‘plan ahead’ mantra.
Six years ago I was determined to be the next of kin to a 94 year old spinster aunt with Alzheimer’s, who lived alone in a rural location, and who I’d not seen since I was a child.
The legal process of appointing me as her conservator was time consuming, intricate, exhausting and expensive. Now, this may vary from state to state, and be somewhat dependent on the financial resources of the elder subject, but had she put some safeguards in place earlier, much of that could have been avoided.
I will say that the experience has spurred me to critically evaluate each medical and financial decision with regard to the future. And that’s not really as daunting as it sounds. It can be as simple as including a trusted family member or friend on your contact info at the doctor’s office. Or adding a trusted adult child to your online account access.
Thanks for your comment. Yes, I consistently hear that conservatorship is expensive and time-consuming. A care manager colleague also pointed out to me that conservatorship in California means one has to periodically return to the court and account for what has been done.
That is lucky for your aunt that you were able to step in!
What can I do for a parent that has giving up on life because his son took his life and is drinking heavily every day and not taking care of his daily cleaning for himself and his house. He refuses to see as doctor. He had fallen so many times i know her is severely depressed.I don’t know what to do ??? Please help
That is such a difficult situation, complicated by grief and substance use. It does sound like depression could be a possibility, and it’s hard to treat this without having a person seen by a doctor first.
Sometimes, a person is more likely to go to the doctor if it’s not for their mind, but for their body. Falls can be serious and if there’s an injury, independence can be threatened. Maybe a focus on this symptom will convince him to go, even just to get checked out to make sure he hasn’t had a fracture or concussion.
Thank you Dr. Kernisan for writing this article. It is one of the best and most thorough explanations on these challenges that so many people face but don’t know how to handle. I look forward to sharing this with my audience.
Thank you, glad you found it helpful!
I appreciate all the info included in your article.
My 96 yr old dad lives next door. Mom is private pay in nursing home costing dad $3000 a month – half his monthly income. They signed Power of Atty to me 2 yrs ago as well as making a Will making me sole heir, but now my 46 yr old brother was released after 20 yrs in/out of prison for drugs and my dad has gone nuts about him again !!
Dad says he wants my brother to have “as much as me”.
(I never asked for any thing and worked hard at my jobs, retiring early after 26 yrs teaching because they needed help getting to dr appts erc.
Dad Already gave my brother half their savings (only $20,000 in savings because dad spent hundreds of thousands over past 20 yrs on brothers lawyers and rehabs and paying off hit checks, etc.)
And my brother owes over $50,000 in back child support.
And since dad is paying ALL my brothers expenses now for apt, 2 autos, insur, groceries, etc my brother is not even looking for a job.
I know my dad has Alzheimers. He is a retired state judge, and even his lawyer friends told me they would testify he is incompetent, but I can imagine the fight in court if I try to have him declared incompetent.
He just gave my brother a deed for 30 acres of land to use as collateral to build a house for my brother – (bulldozers are clearing the land today) and I believe he is already using drugs again.
I feel so helpless and hopeless that dad will literally spend every penny.
I know you cannot offer legal advice, but reading your article has helped me think of a few things to try.
Thank you
Wow, sounds like a difficult situation. I cannot offer legal advice but if your father has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t entirely understand the ramifications (financial and other) of his decisions, then it’s justified to take action to protect your father. Taking financial advantage of an older person can sometimes also constitute elder abuse
Some ideas to consider:
– Approach your father’s doctor, express your concerns, and ask for assistance. Doctors can help assess your father’s capacity for these transactions. Depending on how the power of attorney form is worded, sometimes a clinician’s letter can enable the POA to take action and override the person.
– Contact your local area agency on aging for advice and assistance. They might be able to help you determine whether you’d be justified in reporting the situation to Adult Protective Services.
– If you truly believe your father may be lacking mental capacities, when your father prepares to engage in a legally binding transaction, you may want to bring up your concerns to the professionals involved. Some will delay the transaction while they wait for confirmation that the older person has mental capacity to complete the transaction.
– Get help from an elder law attorney if you can afford to do so.
You should also express your concerns to your father, but I’m assuming you’ve already attempted this. Sometimes a conversation mediated by a geriatric care manager or other professional is more productive, because they have experience managing these types of difficult conversations.
Last but not least, I recommend you listen to my podcast interview with attorney Carolyn Rosenblatt; she specializes in sorting out these types of situations and provides a lot of insights during the episode.
Good luck!
Such a difficult situation as of course you don’t want to be patronising to your father, but equally if he needs help, he needs help. There are lots of options available. One good option to consider if you are worried about his safety while living alone is a personal alarm which he can press if he is in trouble. It will give you some peace of mind!
My name is Beverley Sandler and I am a highly qualified Counsellor in Manchester. I read your post with great interest and can relate to a lot of what you have said.
Just a quick thank you for creating the content.
Thank you for reading, I’m glad you find it useful.
Hello,
I have read all the posts on this topic…however, I have a different problem.
My mother is 74, and is losing her memory, and has type 2 diabetes. She retired over 4 years ago, and lives alone. My problem is this, She has a “friend” that says he is an RN, and used to work at a local prison for 30+ years. Things have gotten really bad between my mom and I in the last few months, due to this person filling her head with lies. He has her thinking Iv’e been stealing form her, (I use to pay her bills, rent, buy her meds etc.) I had to stop doing this for her, and let her do her own thing because this person
has gotten into her head. BTW, she’s also an alcoholic. I found out through an online background check that this man isn’t who he says he is. He’s not an RN…but is a L.V.N. has no record of ever working at said prison, never been married, has a bunch of homes under other woman’s names around the age of my mom, and too many alias’s… He goes to moms every night, plies her with as much wine as she can drink, (did I mention she has type 2 diabetes?) and is now telling her she needs to put her car in his name so he can get her insurance…I’m at my whits end!…I have no idea what to do, who to call, but this clown is dangerous!, and I can’t get through to her…Please help me.
Lisa Marie
Yikes. He does sound like a very shady character and I can see why you are worried for your mother. It also sounds like a potential financial abuse situation. There are a couple options for you to get help.
– Call Adult Protective Services. You can find your local office by using the Eldercare.gov Locator; just put in your zip code. You can also find your local Area Agency on Aging at Eldercare.gov, and they might have other resources for you.
– Consider reporting the situation to the police. (They may or may not intervene, but they should be able to tell you who else you can call.) You might even get this person to back off by telling him you are reporting him to the police.
– Consider looking into a capacity evaluation for your mother, or possibly guardianship. Adult Protective services sometimes initiates this, if they think a situation warrants it. You might also be able to learn more about this through nonprofits in your area, or you may want to consult with an elderlaw attorney. If your mother is losing her memory, is alcoholic, and is making choices that put her wellbeing and safety at risk, then she may need at least partial oversight from a conservator or guardian. Establishing such oversight is done through a court process. The alternative is to invoke a durable power of attorney and establish that she has become incapacitated, but often when these situations come up, the older person has not set up a durable power of attorney.
I have more on capacity and incapacity here:
Incompetence & Losing Capacity: Answers to 7 FAQs
Good luck and keep going! Although she probably doesn’t appreciate it right now, your mother is very lucky to have you looking out for her. I think Adult Protective Services will be a good starting point, but also sounds like you may have to think about how you can oversee things for you mom longer-term.
Your email about this couldn’t have arrived at a more appropriate time. Thank you so much for people like you who are helping people like me navigate a completely alien area which I didn’t see coming!!. I’m UK based, the only person that can help my 74 yr old mum, who lives on her own & refuses help, despite severe arthritis, numerous falls and mobility problems, and like everyone I have my own home & life to manage 15 miles away, and have health issues myself. I’m just gathering as much info as I can on help/advice etc and your email popped up ?♀️ We have a website called CarersUK full of helpful info. If I find any other resources along the way I’ll let you know, but there is a free course on mindfulness on a website called Futurelearn, which I’m about to register for. I think I’m going to need it! Thanks again Dr Kernisan.
Hello and thanks for sharing your story.
I am a huge fan of mindfulness for caregivers; basically it’s essential to start investing in improving and maintaining your own abilities to cope with stress and uncertainty. Good luck and keep in touch!
Occupational therapy practitioners are highly trained in this area and can work with both the patient and their families to approach and evaluate a situation such as the one described in this article. More importantly, they are trained do it in a non-threatening way. The environment might need to be modified to simplify the process of keeping it clutter free and manageable.
I have found that it’s crucial to involve the patient in the process to use their volition and come up with solutions that specifically individualized to their needs. For example, I had a patient who could not stand at the sink long enough to do the dishes, so they would pile up in the sink. This was a drastic change for her and her children noticed. She was a proud lady and she didn’t want to be a bother to her kids. Working with her, we came up with a simple solution of keeping soapy water in the sink and having her drop the dishes in to soak after her meals. This made it is easier for her to throughout the day go and and rinse them and put them on the drying rack without spending ten min at the sink. We also modified her kitchen set up so she could easily sit down to perform the task or meal prep and changed her where she stored items to make it easier for her to have access to cabinets. This is just a small example. I hope it helps.
Thank you so much for the great work you do Dr Kernisan. I really enjoy your podcasts and articles and always learn a lot from them.
Thank you for sharing this example. I agree that occupational therapy (OT) is often very helpful and would love to see more older adults accessing this type of help.
Most older adults will need a referral from a health provider, to get an OT evaluation. My own patients have sometimes gotten them at home as part of home health care services, which they get either due to recent hospital discharge or because they are homebound and have a need for skilled services.
What a great article–jam packed with good ideas and resources. I have also found the daughterhood.org website to be very helpful.
So glad you liked it. I, too, am a fan of Daughterhood.org and often encourage people to visit that site.
“How to plan ahead to avoid these problems”
Many mentally healthy, educated older people do not want to live if they are “incompetent”.
This has been a taboo subject – but I find more older people are talking about this openly.
. . . and “planning ahead”
Well, one may “not want to live if ‘incompetent’,” but arranging for alternatives is tricky, and a failure to plan at all often results in family members have to go through a lot of difficulties.
I think it will always be a tough topic that many people avoid, but agree that more and more people are becoming open to planning.
Great info! Look forward to learning more!
Thank you, glad you are finding this helpful!
Wow, this is so informative. My in-laws just had a visit from APS today. We have no idea who called them but they are blaming us. We have been paying their bills for them online for about 8 months because my mother-in-law kept overdrawing their checking account. It’s not hard to do, they are on a very tight budget with only their Social Security checks for income. They have not had any NSF charges or utilities turned off while we have been helping. In addition, we do their grocery shopping and lawn care for them. This past weekend my mother-in-law threw a fit and told us she no longer wanted us to do this for them (they still owe us about 1/2 of an $800 loan we made them to catch up their mortgage payments). we even tried to persuade them to open a separate account for the bigger SS check (his dad’s), just to draft the fixed bills out of, but they refused when we said my husband’s mom shouldn’t have access to it since she has a habit of pulling money out that isn’t really there. Now APS shows up at their door and they are convinced we did this to them. I didn’t even know this could happen, but it may be a blessing. My father-in-law refuses to bathe (we bought him baby wipes as a last resort), won’t allow us to get him help (although the VA might provide it). They have a poor relationship and he sleeps most of the day to avoid his wife. I could go on and on, but what I need to know now is what will happen now that they are on the radar of APS?
So, what you’re describing is not uncommon, but it is indeed stressful for families and everyone involved. Sounds like there are some concerning issues going on. Interesting that you don’t know who called APS. It is actually possible that it was a health provider, as they are mandated reporters in many states.
In terms of what happens next, that is extremely variable. APS offices are locally run, often locally funded, and what they do is determined by their local policies and also state law. You could call your local Area Agency on Aging or even the APS office, and they might be able to tell you more about how the process usually unfolds in that area.
Re Social Security, there is a representative payee program for people who are having difficulty managing their funds appropriately. The SSA website says “If you are concerned that someone you know becomes incapable of managing or directing the management of his or her benefits, please call us at 1-800-772-1213 (TTY 1-800-325-0778) to request an appointment to discuss your concerns. Generally, we look for family or friends to serve as representative payees.” Your husband may want to look into this further.
Otherwise, I would generally recommend avoiding arguing with your in-laws, and trying to instead establish as positive a relationship as possible. When older adults feel heard, understood, and respected, they are more willing to consider accepting at least a little help. Of course, the problem is that adult children are often quite frustrated and stressed out by the situation, plus many have loaded relationships with our parents to begin with. So it’s not so easy to be positive and understanding and validating, but I can tell you that the more confrontational your encounters with your in-laws, the harder things will be.
Good luck, hope things improve soon!
My father has been getting really difficult to help recently. He doesn’t want to go to the doctors, but he really needs more medication to help him with his pains and aches. Thank you for the advice about wording things in a different way to help him go to the doctors. I will make sure, I always let him know that I want to help him. I am also thinking of finding a nice assisted living service. My dad is my priority, but I also need to make sure I am taking time for myself as well.
Sorry that your father is getting difficult to help. Yes, I agree that you can help him get more out of his doctor’s visits, but also be sure to take time to yourself, as you mention. Good luck!
My mother is 67 years old, fairly young compared to other’s parents. She is a severe diabetic, legally blind and is severely depressed. She has been living on her own but with a recent trip to the ER due to her blood sugar dropping too low, I was forced to move my 20 year old son in with her to assist in taking care of her. He is not a certified care giver but at least I have eyes and ears in the house with her and he can call someone if something is not right.
I took my mother to the doctor yesterday to get a referral for home health care. We talked about this a couple of weeks ago and she was all for it. In front of the doctor she decides she does not need home health care. She tells the dr. she can care for herself, bathing, cooking and her meds. (She cannot do any of these things on her own) She can bath by her self but doesn’t bath like she should, she goes weeks without bathing, her meds are scattered all on the floor and she does know if she took them or not and she hasn’t cooked for her self in years. I tell the dr. this and my mother calls me a liar and threatens to change her papers. ( I have medical and financial POA on her and I am the sole beneficiary to her will because my brother is deceased). She is over drafting her bank account and does not remember conversations., people coming to visit her and so forth and so on.
I am at my wits end and the only option I see is having her declared incompetent, PLEASE guide me on what I need to do.
Her problems do sound concerning. The general approach is as follows. On one hand, you should keep working with the doctor to get her mental capacities assessed. You should let the doctor know that you are concerned about her abilities to manage her affairs. The medical team needs to assess her cognition and also help assess her ability to manage key life functions. We covered these issues in this podcast:
066 – Interview: Addressing Potential Self-Neglect in Older Adults
On another front, you need to find ways to coax your mother into accepting some help from you. This is not easy to do. Insisting that an older person “realize what is wrong” or “realize they need help” is usually counterproductive. It is better to do whatever you can to reinforce the relationship and find more positive ways of getting her to accept help a little at a time. Sometimes families resort to white lies, if they really think their older relative is having memory or thinking problems that interfere with judgment.
All of this is hard to manage if you are stressed and frustrated. So I would recommend finding an online or in-person support group, to get encouragement and ideas. The caregiving forum at Agingcare.com is quite active and many have been through similar situations.
Since she sounds impaired, I’m not sure it would be legally valid if she tried to change her POA. To prevent problems on this front, be sure to collect documentation re her abilities, what her doctors have observed, etc.
Good luck!
We have an aunt on my husbands side who has dementia I think. She has been going on and on about things that happened in the past but recalls them now as if they are recent events. She is saying a lot of hurtful things to everyone in the family and accusing people of trying to kill her even. It’s not true but we don’t know what to do. She has no children. So no one wants to help her because she’s basically destroyed every relationship she has has with her cruel words. I keep reminding people she may have Alzheimer’s or dementia but people are very upset. Again she’s my husbands aunt. So I’m not sure what to do or if my say is even important since I’m not a blood relative. Her brothers do not live nearby and are unwilling to help her as well.
This sounds like a difficult situation. If she has become increasingly paranoid and you’ve also noticed her memory and/or thinking getting worse, then it’s certainly possible she’s developing dementia. I have more on causes of late life paranoia here:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
I agree it can harder to speak up when one is an in-law. I do think your say is important as you have made important observations and you are advocating for the family to be more understanding and compassionate towards this older woman.
You might find it helpful to contact your local Agency on Aging and/or your local Alzheimer’s association. Perhaps if someone else validated your concerns and told your family members that your husband’s aunt might be mentally impaired, they might view her behavior in a different light and feel more motivated to try helping her. Good luck!
I found many of these things you have listed to be helpful.
My dad is 89 has to use a walker or on good days lean heavily on a cane due to back issues and weakness.
He has a grandson he cannot say no to who takes advantage of him constantly. This nephew is 30 and now has a 6 week old baby that he wants my dad to babysit for a couple hours a day between his and his wife’s work shifts.
I have been cleaning and cooking for him for almost a year now. My dad feels he is capable of taking care of this baby, while climb up on chairs to reach high stuff, even told me recently that he will climb up on the edge of the bath to clean the ceiling. I am not sure if this is true since he seems to mention things he would do 15 to 20 years ago.
I am frightened what could happen to the baby. My nephew, who abuses my dad verbally all the time, nor my dad will listen to reason.
Any advice before something does happen. Again the baby is 6 weeks old and my dad has no idea how to make a bottle, change a diaper or handle her if she becomes fussy.
Hm, I can certainly see why you are concerned by this situation. I cannot tell you what to do, I can only offer a few possibilities to think about and consider.
If you are concerned about your father being verbally abused or otherwise abused by your nephew, you could consider calling Adult Protective Services. Not sure they will take action but they are the agency to be called when one suspects or observes elder abuse. I have more on what you can do if you suspect financial exploitation by a relative here:
Financial Exploitation in Aging: What to Know & What to Do
If you are worried about the baby being in an unsafe situation — and it does sound like your father may not be able to provide adequate care for an infant of this age — you can potentially call Child Protective Services. If you’re really uncomfortable with your nephew’s proposal, you could potentially tell him (and the baby’s mother) that based on your long-time observations of your father’s physical and mental abilities, you don’t think it would be safe for the child to be left with him and you’d consider reporting the situation. This might cause your nephew to change his plan.
Good luck!
How would all this apply to a 74 year old father who lives in an RV (no permanent/stationary home) that is going blind (but still drives his RV from place to place), lives an extremely filthy lifestyle (minimal showering, sweats, etc), can’t take care of his dog properly (not feeding her appropriately & tosses her around & doesn’t hear her pain squealing), won’t accept help, losing his hearing, not making sound decisions regarding large purchases (bought a $10k “new” RV that wasn’t smog checks & had TONS of problems including frame damage) & extremely depressed as some of the issues we’re dealing with regarding him. I feel like he’s out of control & incompetent but he can hold a conversation, rememberers things from his childhood, is able to follow through with his own agendas & gets medical attention. I’m having a hard time trying to figure out if he’s on the line or past it. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you in advance.
Well, what you describe does sound concerning, so I’m glad you are paying attention and considering what you might do.
I can’t say whether he is “past the line” or not. I will say that many older adults fall into a “gray area,” in which they are clearly at risk and experiencing some impairment, yet it’s not clear that it’s reached the point at which it’s clear that intervention and/or a declaration of impaired capacity is justified.
As noted in the article, your key resources to consider contacting would be his usual health provider (if he has one), your local area agency on aging, the Adult Protective Services office, and then a professional geriatric social worker or care manager (often effective however often requires paying out of pocket). Significant financial risks, in particular, might trigger action, but so much depends on the agencies and involved individuals where you are. In almost all areas, it takes a lot of work and effort and time trying before progress can be made. Sorry that I cannot offer any definitely successful approaches to try! Good luck!
So thankful for people like you! I have a mother who is 84 and definitely has some form of dementia that is undiagnosed. My mother has been living in the basement of a two family house with my baby sister who is 53 unmarried with no children living in the apartment upstairs. My mother is in the basement because she is a hoarder and her apartment is packed and unlivable. I’m the second daughter of four and there are three brothers. I have not been happy with her living conditions which have only gotten worse. My sister gone along with whatever my mother wants which means showering maybe once a month, molded or no food in the refrigerator. My sister insists she cooks for her. My mother barely leave the basement other then going to her doctor. She also broke both femur bone about five years ago and never really been the same. Refusing phyical therapy she can barely walk with a walker. The last few weeks my mother has been placed in the hospital for an infection on her foot so bad it went to the bone and she needed surgery to remove part of the bone. I was also told my mother was malnourished when she arrive into the hospital. The problem is my mother is brainwashed by my sister and her other three daughters are unable to know what’s going on because my sister will not communicate with anyone but one of my brothers. I don’t believe my sister is mentally able to do what’s in my mother’s best interest. Along with her excluding my mother’s other children. We found out a day after she was admitted into the hospital.
Everyone but my sister lives out of state. No one was able to get much information from the hospital because my sister has been in charge and we are told to speak to her for any information pertaining to my mother’s health. After three weeks in the hospital she is now being sent to a rehab facility of my sisters choice it is in such a bad neighborhood i am afraid to go there but it’s what is convenient for my sister and it breaks my heart to see my mother there although she wants to be with my sister it’s what she’s use to. If not with my sister she would be in a nursing home. What’s the better of the two evils any advice?
Hm, this does sound like a difficult situation. If your mother is malnourished and getting infections while living with your sister, it’s certainly possible that your sister is unable to provide adequate care to her. You could report the situation to the hospital social worker, who is presumably a mandated Adult Protective Services reporter, or you could report it to APS yourself.
It’s true that if APS concludes your sister cannot care for your mother, then other arrangements will have to made, and she could end up in a nursing home. Probably she’d be adequately fed and cared for. Whether her quality of life would be better, and whether that’s in line with her preferences, I can’t say.
Unfortunately, it’s common for families to end up in these difficult situations where all the available options are distressing and involve serious downsides. You will just have to do the best you can and remember, there is almost certainly no perfect or easy solution out there. Good luck and take care!
Hi,
My dad has been between skilled nursing for physical therapy, he’s a below the knee amputee, he’s also on dialysis which has had a hard affect on his body and mind. He’s been back and forth between hospital and skilled nursing, however this last hospital visit he went into a state where he didn’t talk or feed himself and just cryed, after few days he became combative and needed to be restrained which was just so horrible feeling so helpless. Between the dialisys and now the hospital says baseline dementia we can’t seem to keep him lucid to move him to skilled nursing where we we’re told we have to wait for his mind to get up to his body. And if he continues to be lucid for the next week then we can bring him home. I would be his caregiver and would be home with him all the time, I guess my question is how does a dialysis patient with dementia progress and what to expect and what can I do now to help these episodes of such sadness or the opposite, combativeness, not to resurface for him. To make this the best I possibly can for him.
Sorry to hear of your father’s situation.
He may have dementia, but if the issue is that he’s gotten much worse while in the hospital or rehab, I would be concerned about delirium. I have more on that here: Hospital Delirium: What to know & do.
People with pre-existing dementia are especially prone to get delirium in the hospital. They do often improve with time and rest, but it can take a long time and lot of patience. If you read through the article and comments linked to above, that should give you ideas on how to support him. Good luck!
I am the wife of a person who has this disorder. he is now 82. his children stop coming to see him a number of years ago (daughter 18 years ago and son, who does call, but has not seen his father in 3 years plus) I am 10 years younger. I do have a trust with him that protects mine and his financial interests. we are lucky enough that that is not a problem. however, what is a problem is that my husband is not going for medical tests such as a bone marrow and the family is telling him that is all right. also he gets lost and he forgets who is in the house. his priorities are totally mixed up. he is also refusing to eat food prepared by me and others but will go to restaurants and fast food places all the time. he has had a couple of doctors who tried very hard but his constant screaming at them has left them helpless. what is the next step? I feel like we are living in a vacuum and he is just getting worse. it’s been 18 years that he has advanced through strokes. I am tired and exhausted. he did give me medical power of attorney years ago. how do I enforce this, sending him to the doctor, etc.? I feel that he is very sick. the doctors agree but say they can’t do anything.
Sorry to hear of your situation, it sounds difficult or stressful. It’s good that you have power of attorney for health but it’s true, this doesn’t make it particularly easy to get someone to do things for their health when they don’t want to and are in a physical condition to refuse or make it difficult for the health providers to accept your guidance.
If he’s refusing medical care, then it becomes very important to step back and review the overall goals of his medical care with his health providers and probably also with other family members. He sounds impaired but he seems to be expressing a preference to not get care. Probably he doesn’t understand the implications, but before you really try to push him to accept care that will likely upset him in the short-term, you should ask yourself how this would further his overall quality of life, wellbeing, and whatever other goals seem to be important.
Trying to help people live as long as possible is the conventional goal of medical care, but it may no longer be a good fit, given his circumstances. Is it likely he could be treated and get much better? If not, is this the best use of your limited energy, or could you support him in other ways as his memory and thinking continue to decline?
You may want to see if you can arrange a consultation with a geriatrician, or another type of expert with experience counseling dementia caregivers on overseeing medical care. Good luck!
My mother in law who is 91 yo has dementia. In the past year and a half it has gotten worse. My husband and I live with her and try to take care of her the best that we can. We both work outside of the home 40 hours plus a week. On an average my mother in law is left at home by herself approx. 10 hours a day. she thinks that she lives somewhere else and is always asking us to take her “home”. My sister in law is POA and isn’t really helping, she is constantly taking trips for “work”. She’s gone on an average from 2 days to 2 weeks. Supposedly, my sister in law is trying to get hospice to come in and help. She has yet to make an appointment with my mother in laws doctor. I’m personally my mother in law’s caregiver and it’s really starting to get to me to the point that I’m considering leaving. I don’t know what else to do. APS has been called twice and really hasn’t been much help. The POA is doing nothing to help.
Hi Karon. You paint a picture of a very frustrating situation, which is common when trying to help an older parent and look after your own life. It sounds like the situation is not sustainable for you. I would encourage you to get help identifying other options for your mother-in-law’s care and also for negotiating oversight with your sister-in-law. Dr. K’s Helping Older Parents program would be one way to do this, and is more affordable than paying a local geriatric care manager, which is another approach to getting help solving these types of caregiving situations. Good luck!
Thank you for the detailed information in your post and a big thank you to everyone who shared their very personal experiences! I actually am on the opposite end I need to.have legal documents prepared in advance in case I would become legally incapable of making decisions in the future. I am a single mother of 3 daughters ages 29, 27 & 17 and I do not want to leave my children with the burden of trying to gain access to information or be denied resources necessary for medical and financial decisions as I do have medical issues.
After reading this post I am definitely convinced I need to move quickly to set this up for my family. I would really hate to leave a burden on my girls!!!
Thank you again you are so appreciated!
TLW
Your article is very informative. We are currently encouraging my husband’s Mom and Dad to go to “assisted living” of some sort. They told us they were ready, we had a family meeting to plan this out, and now they are refusing to go. They have dementia and are falling more frequently, they are not safe to live alone at all. They are so cantankerous, I’m not sure anywhere will be able to keep them without something saying you have to be here. Going to Dr Monday and will start there, we are really trying to be reasonable with them, but it’s out of control right now.
I’m so sorry to hear about the situation with your in-laws, and it’s actually very common for people to vacillate about a decision to move to an assisted living type of setting. It’s great to hear that your in-laws have agreed to go to the doctor next week,and sometimes the voice of the physician can carry more wright than family members.
Dr. Kernisan has a lot of helpful advice about how to manage with aging parents, especially in the Helping Older Parents Membership.
This article about how to respond when there’s resistance may also be helpful. It’s often a slow, gradual and arduous process of finding common ground and balancing respect for the parents with some gentle pushing. Good luck!
I have a 74 year old non family member living with me. She has had 4 stokes, and is a diabetic. She has some memory loss. She can’t remember things that happened yesterday or today. And when she does it will be days later and only bits and pieces of it. She can not read or drive. She can bath herself, make a some foods but not cook on the stove. She is verbally abusive to myself and others in the house. None of her family wants anything to do with her. HOW DO I GET HER OUT OF MY HOUSE? I am expecting a baby in May and need the room she is in. We have given her a 30 day verbal notice back in July and she is still here. She thinks she can live on her own. And she says her doctor says there is nothing wrong with her mind and she can live on her own. She says she wants to move out but don’t like any of the apartments I have taken her to see.
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot with this older individual. Situations like the one you describe are complicated, and getting out of such an arrangement probably depends a lot on whether there is a legal agreement (like a lease or contract). In any case, it would be a good idea to contact a lawyer about what needs to be done to get a person to leave your home, especially if there are health issues that might make a move more challenging.
I was able to get my mother to stop driving in 2013 after she got lost several times in her tiny unincorporated town. She refused to move, allow in-home assistance, or see a doctor during the last decade. When I consulted with the attorney that did her trust many years ago, I was told it would be expensive to pursue Conservatorship, would most likely fail, and I needed to wait for something really bad to happen. I retired early after 2 years of trying to assist her as a single parent commuting to a stressful job. After retiring, I was at her home 2-3 times a week a 2-hour roundtrip from my home. Many bad things happened over the last 9 years with no resolution: Excessive drinking & smoking, bills not paid, dormant bank accounts, 2 trips to the ER (including 5150 by Sheriff). 2 APS cases by neighbors (both closed by APS because refused to accept help), wandering, excessive calls to the Fire Department, maintenance issues like flushing things down the toilet, and other erratic behavior including cutting phone lines at jacks in the house. She turned 88 last September and the last year became too much for me. Last summer after the 2nd APS report, they asked for a copy of her trust. Her lawyer provided it to them. After reviewing it, APS stated there was nothing they could do. In late September, there was a multi-day power outage and I brought her to my house to stay with me and my now-husband. After a couple of days, the severity of her Sundowner’s became readily apparent with hallucinations, imaginary phone calls, abusive language, and bodily threats to us. In the morning, we called 911 and she was sent via ambulance to the ER in the middle of our Pandemic lockdown. Doctors determined she did not have a UTI and formal diagnosis of moderately severe dementia. Behavioral Health @ Hospital said she needed to be in a care facility, but the discharge planner would be pressuring me to take her home. Subsequently, the discharge planner said there were no physical issues and insisted I take her to my house. I refused and after many phone calls with the hospital, I was able to get 2 doctor’s letters of incapacitation to activate Springing Power of Attorney and Durable Power of Attorney For Health Care Decisions. I worked with the agency and arranged placement into a small Memory Care facility. I arranged for her to be in-home health care program for care within the facility. Recently, that program’s doctor did find another physical issue through recent lab tests. Back in 2014, APS stated that she was a Self-Neglector. and this State has made it almost impossible to navigate these situations. At this point, at least she is in a safer situation, getting care, and bills are paid. As an aside, the Springing Power of Attorney has not been honored in all situations even though legally it should be acceptable per Trust attorney.
Thanks for sharing your story and what a journey you’ve had with your mom! I’m so happy to heat that she is in a safe place now.
I’m sorry that you had so much trouble with getting the right care for your mom, and it’s disappointing that the attitude you report was that “it’s only dementia, no physical issues”! Dementia is a major neurocognitive disorder that can affect health in so many ways, and is not a normal part of aging.
Good for you for being such a resourceful advocate and being persistent. Hope you and your family stay safe and well.
Thank you for writing this very informative article. I was surprised to read your statement of “30% of adults over 85 will develop dementia.” I have read in several places that it is 50%. I would appreciate you citing your source, so I might refer to it. It is less than I have been telling families, so it is an encouraging number. So many people think that it is 100% normal to have memory loss, which we know it is not.
Thanks for your comment! I tend to use the data about dementia from the Canadian Study of Health and Aging, which I will admit, is getting a little old now, but seems to be accurate. For sure, the prevalence of dementia depends on the setting and we know that in a nursing home, about 70% or more of older adults are living with dementia of Alzheimer’s or another type.
I was wondering if the neurotrax computerized test is is a final accurate test for dementia /Alz, etc and what your thoughts on this would be.
Hello
I just took a look at their website and it appears to be a service that does cognitive testing and generates a report. Some of the tests they list are ones that a psychologist, neurologist or geriatrician might use in the office (for example the “Go-No-Go” and “Stroop interference” tests).
These kinds of tests can pick up patterns of cognitive performance that could be in keeping with dementia, but it takes much more than a cognitive test result to establish a dignosis of Alzheimer’s disease or some other type of dementia. In this article, Dr. K explains how we come to that diagnosis in Geriatrics: https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/how-to-diagnose-dementia-the-basics/
my dad has drinking problems and anger management issues
Hi Juan. I’m not sure how old your dad is, but most of my experience is with older adults, aged 65 and up.
When a parent is living with mental health and addiction problems that aren’t well managed, it puts a strain on the whole family. AL-Anon or Ala-Teen are great resources for families of people with alcohol issues: https://al-anon.org/for-members/group-resources/alateen/
I need help with my father he’s 67 and has a family history of dementia… His mood has become out of the ordinary..hes said things he’s never said to my sister and my sister is in fear of his words and actions…he no longer performs daily tasks as usual…my mother has told me he hasn’t showered in a week and smells…has only done his laundry 1 time in almost 2 months…my mom and dad aren’t together…he showed up at my mom’s unannounced…my mom can’t put him out because of his age and me.. My father wasn’t there for me but how can i help him…he needs the help from someone …plz help me …i don’t want anyone else to give up on him I’m what he has left everyone else gave up…im at wits end and bout to give up…and i dont want to…
I can hear from your comment that you care for your dad and are worried about the changes you’re seeing.
I recommend Dr. K’s book: When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: A Geriatrician’s Step-by-Step Guide to Memory Loss, Resistance, Safety Worries, & More. It has practical advice for how to communicate with your parent and family members.
If you can get your father to a medical professional, they can help ensure there isn’t a medical issue that’s brought about the changes you describe.
This article discusses things to try when your parent is irrational: https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/qa-4-things-when-aging-parent-irrational/
Remember that you also need to look after yourself. No one person can do it all alone, no matter how much they may want to.