Q: My mother is 80. She is very active (despite breaking her hip 2 years ago), she still attends water therapy 3 times a week at the YMCA, she drives to the base (which is 20 miles away) and pays her bills on time. She is a retired Psych nurse and has shown signs in the past of paranoia.
Lately, she has “heard” voices of her grandchildren in her home and called my sister. She also has difficulty with getting the right words to say out and has her sleep pattern out of whack and will call people at odd times of the night. With her independence comes the fact she won’t share any medical information because she thinks we are out to get her committed.
How can I test her/question her to find out the level of decline she may be in to make sure she is safe? — K
A: Great question. As you may know, it’s fairly common for aging parents to develop problems like the ones you are describing. Understandably, these problems are frustrating and worrying for adult children.
You are absolutely right to be concerned about your mom’s safety. I do have some ideas for how you can get started assessing her, which I share below.
But first I want to explain the most common causes of this type of behavior in older adults. That’s because one of the things you must do is help your mother and the doctors figure out why she’s developed these behavior changes and other symptoms.
A fair number of people don’t get around to the medical evaluation because they assume that these crazy behaviors are either normal aging (definitely false) or dementia such as Alzheimer’s (true about 40% of the time).
Furthermore, it’s often hard to get a resistant older parent medically evaluated.
Still, it’s worth persisting in this, because many causes of paranoia or other odd behavior in older people can be treated.
6 common causes of paranoid symptoms in the elderly
Paranoid symptoms (e.g. believing that someone is out to get you, or is taking your stuff, or is in the house at night) falls into a category of mental symptoms that is technically called “psychosis.”
Symptoms of psychosis can include:
- Delusions, which means believing things that aren’t true or real.
- Hallucinations, which means seeing or hearing things that aren’t there.
- Disorganized thoughts or speech, meaning saying or thinking things that seem illogical or bizarre to others.
Psychosis is uncommon in younger people, but becomes much more common as people get older. That’s because any of these symptoms can emerge when people’s brains aren’t working properly for some reason.
A 2015 review article on “late-life psychosis” estimates that 23% of people will develop symptoms of psychosis in late life.
I like this review article because the authors organize the causes of late-life psychosis into six “Ds”:
- Delirium (10 %).
- This is a very common condition of “worse-than-usual” mental function, often brought on by the stress of severe illness, surgery, or hospitalization. See 10 Things to Know About Delirium for more.
- Drugs, alcohol, and other toxins (11%)
- Medication side-effects can cause delusions, hallucinations, or other forms of psychosis. Pay special attention to medications known to affect memory and thinking. Abuse of — or withdrawal from — alcohol or other substances can also cause psychosis symptoms.
- Disease (10%)
- Many physical health problems can interfere with brain function. These include electrolyte problems such as abnormal levels of sodium, potassium, calcium, or magnesium in the blood, low levels of vitamin B12 or folate, thyroid problems, severe liver or kidney dysfunction, infections, and neurological diseases. Brain damage from minor strokes can also cause psychosis symptoms.
- Depression (33%) and other “mood disorders,” including bipolar disease (5%)
- About 15% of people with major depression may experience psychotic symptoms. Delusions of guilt or deserved punishment are especially common.
- Dementia (40%), including Alzheimer’s disease, Lewy-Body dementia, and others
- Delusions are extremely common in dementia, especially delusions of theft, spousal infidelity, abandonment, and persecution. Hallucinations (especially visual hallucinations) are also common, especially in Lewy-Body dementia. For more on how dementia is diagnosed, see How We Diagnose Dementia: The Practical Basics to Know.
- Delusional disorder (2%) and schizophrenia-spectrum disorders (1%)
- These two conditions have many symptoms that overlap with those of dementia, delirium, or other conditions affecting thinking. Doctors must exclude these more common conditions before diagnosing a person with schizophrenia or delusional disorder. Schizophrenia affects an estimated 0.1-0.5% of people over age 65. Many were diagnosed earlier in life but some people can develop the condition later in life. Delusional disorder affects an estimated 0.03% of older adults.
The authors of this review article also note that it’s common for older adults to have vision and hearing problems, both of which can trigger or worsen delusions and hallucinations.
So as you can see, when older adults experience delusions, hallucinations, and paranoid thoughts, there is almost always something more going on with their health. Figuring out what is beneath the “crazy” or “irrational” or “paranoid” behavior is key.
Hence I recommend you keep these six causes of paranoid symptoms in mind, as you try to find out more about how your mom has been doing.
How to check on “levels of decline” and safety
It’s great for you to be proactive and want to help check on your mother safety and situation. Ultimately you’ll need to work with professionals, but you can speed the process along by checking for common red flags, and bringing them to the attention of your mother’s doctor.
As a geriatrician, I generally try to assess an older person in the following five domains:
- Ability to manage key life tasks
- These include the ability to manage Activities of Daily Living (key tasks we usually learn as young children, such as walking, dressing, feeding ourselves, and toileting) and also Instrumental Activities of Daily Living (key tasks we learn as teenagers, such as managing finances, transportation, meal preparation, home maintenance, etc).
- Safety red flags
- This includes signs of financial vulnerability or exploitation, risky driving, leaving the stove on, wandering, or signs of elder abuse.
- Physical health red flags
- These include weight loss, declines in strength or physical abilities, falls, frequent ER visits, and complaints of pain.
- Mood and brain health red flags
- These include common signs of depression (especially sadness and/or loss of interest in activities), signs of loneliness or isolation, new or excessive worrying, as well as other signs of memory and thinking problems
- Medication management red flags
- These include signs of difficulty taking prescriptions as directed, checking on possible medication side-effects, and identifying medications that are on the Beer’s list of medications that older people should avoid or use with caution.
Because concerned family members often ask me about checking on an older parent, I created a guide with five checklists based on the five sections above: The Checking Older Parents Quick Start Guide.
You can print the guide and use the checklists to spot these red flags that often represent serious safety or health problems.
Now, no guide is going to enable you to diagnose your parent. And no guide can guarantee that you’ve identified and addresses the most important safety issues. You’ll need to work in person with professionals to do that.
But by being methodical in observing your mom and in documenting your observations, you will make it much easier for professionals to figure out why your mother has developed these behaviors you are concerned about.
Also, by identifying specific red flags or problem areas, you’ll be better equipped to work with your mom and other family members on addressing safety concerns. That’s because it’s much more effective to focus on issues that are specific and concrete (“I noticed that you seem to be having trouble with your grocery shopping), rather than simply telling an aging parent that you are worried about their safety.
Tips on following up on safety issues and memory problems
Once you’ve identified safety issues and signs of underlying health problems, you’ll want to follow up. You’ll need health professionals to help evaluate and manage any underlying health problems, and you may find you need help from other types of experts as well.
If your older parent is paranoid and resisting your involvement, this often becomes a stuck spot for families.
How to get unstuck depends on the situation. Here are some ideas that often help:
- Relay your concerns to your parent’s doctor. The doctor needs to know about the symptoms and problems. The doctor may also be able to persuade your older parent to accept some help, or even the presence of another family member during medical visits.
- Patient privacy laws (e.g. HIPAA) do not prevent families from providing information to a person’s doctor over that person’s objections.
- The doctor will probably not disclose health information to you but may do so under certain circumstances. That’s because when a patient is “incapacitated”, doctors are allowed to disclose relevant health information to family members, if they feel it’s in the best interest of the patient. For more on when health providers may disclose information to family members, see 10 Things to Know About HIPAA & Access to a Relative’s Health Information.
- If you send your concerns in writing, they will probably be scanned into the medical record.
- Also ask if any social work services are available through your parent’s health provider.
- Contact organizations that support older adults and families, for assistance and for referrals. Some good ones to try include:
- Your local Area Agency on Aging; find it using the locator here.
- Family Caregiver Alliance. The navigator showing state-by-state services is especially nice.
- Local non-profits serving seniors and families. Try using Google to find these.
- Get help from a geriatric care manager (now known as aging life care professionals) or other “senior problems” expert. This usually requires paying out-of-pocket, but can enable more hands-on assistance than is usually available through social workers and non-profits.
- The ideal person will be good at difficult conversations with older adults, will be able to help you communicate with doctors if necessary, and will know what local resources are available to address any safety or living issues you detect.
- Get advice from other adult children who have faced similar situations. You can find caregiving forums and message boards online, where people share ideas on getting through these challenges.
- There’s an active forum of people caring for older relatives at AgingCare. You can find a lot of ideas and support there. However, most such forums have minimal moderation from professionals, so you should double-check on any medical, legal, or financial advice you get.
- Daughterhood.org is a website and community for people helping older parents. Look to see if they have a local “Circle” near you.
When it comes to contacting the doctor and hiring an expert to help, it’s best if you can get your mom’s agreement before proceeding. (Or at least, not have her explicitly forbid you from doing these things). Here are some tips to help with your conversations:
Use “I” statements as much as possible. “I’ve noticed you’ve been calling people during the night. I’ve noticed you sometimes have difficulty with your words. I’m concerned and I’ve heard it’s important to have such symptoms evaluated by a doctor, because they can be due to treatable medical problems.”
- Frame any suggestions you make as a way to help your mother achieve her goals. For most older adults, these include living at home for as long as possible, maintaining good brain function and physical function, and otherwise remaining as independent as possible.
- Avoid relying on logic. Logic never works well when it comes to emotionally-charged subjects. And it especially doesn’t work if people are experiencing any difficulties with memory or thinking. So don’t expect your mom to be logical and don’t rely on logical arguments to convince her.
For more suggestions on approaching a parent who is resistant to help, see this article: “4 Things to Do When Your Parents Are Resisting Help.”
Now, if you find it causes your mother intense anxiety or agitation to discuss your concerns and your suggestions for helping her, it may be reasonable to just proceed. After all, you do have reasons to believe that some kind of health issue is affecting her thinking.
So especially if you’ve identified any safety problems, it’s reasonable to move ahead despite her preference that you not intervene.
In closing, I’ll reiterate that this is a very tough situation to navigate, and it usually takes time and persistence for families to make headway. Do try to take care of yourself as you work through this. Connecting with others facing similar challenges is a great way to get support and practical ideas on what to do next.
You may also want to listen to these two related podcast episodes, in which experts (an eldercare attorney and a geriatric care manager) offer advice on situations similar to the one you are in:
Solving Hard Problems in Helping Aging Parents
Helping Reluctant Parents Address Memory Concerns
Good luck! Please feel free to post follow-up questions below.
Thank you for this information.
I agree; thank you very much Doctor Kernan for your excellent suggestions to deal with challenging situations.
My elderly mother (in her 90s) heard voices, saw people who weren’t there, etc. Finally, was diagnosed with a UTI. I had no idea that UTIs in the elderly can cause hallucinations. I think this information needs to be shared more widely and that in such cases the first check should be for a UTI. Once the UTI was cleared up, the hallucinations ceased.
UTIs in older adults can cause delirium, which is the state of impaired mental function due to illness or other state of stress on the body and mind. Delirium becomes more and more common as people get older. I have more information on this issue here:
10 Things to Know About Delirium
I agree with you, more people need to know that new symptoms of “acting crazy” might be due to an infection, a medication side-effect, or any of the other many possible causes for delirium.
My friends mother was having hallucinations and when she switched her care to a gerentologist, this doctor checked for UTI and once that was treated, she was back to normal and no more confusions or hallucinations. This was 20 years ago.
Yes, new or worse-than-usual confusion is called delirium, and it can indeed be caused by UTIs. That said, hallucinations or confusion that has been going on for weeks or months is unlikely to be due to a UTI.
I have more on UTIs here: UTIs and Urine Bacteria in Aging: How to get the right diagnosis & avoid unneeded antibiotics
MY MOTHER IS 83 YEARS OLD. SHE HAS BEEN LIVING BETWEEN MY BROTHER AND ME FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS. SHE USED TO STAY 6 MONTHS WITH MY BROTHER AND 6 MONTHS WITH ME. NOW SHE ACCUSES MY SISTER-IN-LAW OF TRYING TO POISON HER AND ACCUSES HER OF STEALING HER THINGS. WHEN EVER WE TRAVEL WE TOOK HER ALONG. I HAVE ALWAYS PAID FOR ALL HER TRAVELS AND I DO NOT TAKE A DIME FROM HER OR MY BROTHER FOR HER EXPENSE. SHE HAS BEEN ON SEVERAL CRUISES. SHE USED TO LOCK HER PURSE EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS NO MONEY IN HER PURSE. A FEW YEARS I TOLD HER NOT TO LOCK HER PURSE BECAUSE IT LOOKS BAD AND SOMEBODY MAY STEAL HER HANDBAG. A YEAR LATER WHEN i WENT TO PICK HER UP FROM MY BROTHER’S HOUSE SHE ACCUSED ME OF BREAKING HER LOCK. SHE SAYS I BROKE HER LOCK BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF HER STEALING FROM ME. SHE USED TO ACCUSE MY DAUGHTER OF STEALING HER TWIZZERS. SHE IS USED TO HAVING LOT OF SERVANTS IN INDIA AND AFTER MY FATHER PASSED AWAY SHE HAS BEEN LIVING WITH US. SHE IS USED TO ACCUSING THE SERVANTS OF STEALING AND KEEPING EVERYTHING UNDER LOCK AND KEY.
HER MEMORY IS EXCELLENT. SHE IS HAPPY MOST OF THE TIME. THE ONLY THING SHE DOES IS WATCH TV ALL DAY. SHE CONSTANTLY ACCUSES ME OF SOMETHING. LIKE I AM TELLING OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS THAT SHE IS STEALING. I CANNOT TALK TO ANYONE ON THE PHONE UNLESS I PUT IT ON SPEAKER.
WHAT COULD BE THE CAUSE OF THIS PROBLEM? HER MOTHER HAD ALZHEIMERS. NOW ITS ONLY MY HUSBAND, MY MOTHER AND ME ME LIVE IN THE HOUSE.
Sorry to hear that your mother has developed all these concerns. This does sound like paranoid thinking and probably delusions as well. I have listed the possible causes in the article.
If this has been going on for a while and is slowly getting worse, then in someone her age, the most common cause is developing Alzheimer’s or another dementia.
I would recommend that you get her medically evaluated. It’s important that the doctors assess for the many medical problems (including medication side-effect) that can either cause these problems or can make them worse.
Families often do better once they’ve learned more constructive ways to deal with accusations, paranoia, and delusions. There are some tips on paranoia here:
Caregiver’s Guide to Understanding Dementia Behaviors
Good luck!
My Parents, inspite of me doing that little bit of research on Schizophrenia, cannot accept the fact that my Granny is a victim. They have this BIG ego, where they constantly keep getting back at her, as she was unkind towards them in the past. Instead of trying to handle the situation they keep trying to argue with her as to what is rational and what is not. It is a very big disappointment to me as I always tried to see my parents as role models or atleast people who lead by an example… But their lack of Compassion and Empathy makes things even worse. I just don’t know how to lend support to her. Oh! Also my grandpa, who is no more was suffering from Alzheimer’s.. The thing is they are ready to accept my Grandpa’s situation but not my Granny’s. All this Negativity in my House is so draining. Sometimes I feel my parents represent a synonymous example as to how stupid and ignorant human beings can be. I just dont know how to handle this situation. I feel sad that my Granny is stuck in that loop of mental nightmare.
Yes, I sometimes hear from people who are concerned about how their parents are treating their grandparents. It can indeed be frustrating, if it seems they are doing something that is counterproductive (e.g. trying to reason away an older person’s paranoia).
For a variety of reasons, parents sometimes have difficulty accepting advice from their children. (This is especially true when an emotionally loaded topic is at hand, and them dealing with their own aging parents is often emotionally loaded.) So one thing to try is to see if someone else can help your parents try a different approach with your grandmother. This person might be a family doctor, a clergy person, a family friend…you will have to see what your options are, within your network.
A few other ideas for you:
– you can get support and ideas from an online caregivers forum, such as the one at AgingCare.com. You will find others there who have been through something similar, and this can help you feel better.
– It’s also important to learn and practice strategies that can help you remain calmer despite the negativity and conflicts. Mindfulness-based stress reduction is one approach. Therapy can help as well. Also make sure you get your exercise and rest, and so forth.
good luck!
Two co-dependent parents, in their mid 80s, still living at home together. Mom has a diagnosis of dementia with paranoid ideations from a highly-respected neurologist, but (a) refuses to accept the diagnosis or get on meds, to the point of (unsuccessfully) trying to get a lawyer to somehow reverse the diagnosis, while refusing to get a second opinion; and (b) has episodes of paranoia about her children (who have POA) trying to liquidate all her assets and stick her in a home (we aren’t) and trying to declare we’re committing elder abuse, gaslighting, etc. Every morning it’s a new fiction creating drama, and getting in the way of work life. Dad is mostly deaf and increasingly forgetful and confused himself, utterly exhausted dealing with Mom. He takes minimal responsibility for his own health care, putting Mom in the business of creating or refusing appointments, and she’s starting to get in the way of him seeing doctors due to his own distrust. She refuses in-home help or the idea of assisted living, refuses to get the urgent geriatric psychiatric exam her neuro called for half a year ago, calls everybody in and outside the family daily to rant about her delusions, and is creating confusion in her finances and estate planning, health care, and even little things like housekeeping, cell phone plans, and information technology. What can we do to ensure Mom gets the care she needs, starting with accepting this diagnosis and getting medicated? We don’t want to call social services but we’re almost at that point.
That situation is not uncommon, but it’s certainly a doozie and a challenge to navigate.
First off: it’s quite possible (quite likely, really), that your mother will never accept her diagnosis. A little denial early on is very common and then many people accept that things are changing. But when someone has already been rejecting or refusing a diagnosis for a while, it becomes much less likely that this will change. Her mind is slowly getting worse, plus she’s feeling anxious and embattled.
So, it might help for you and your siblings to accept that she may never accept this diagnosis, and that you will have to find a way to help her and your dad despite her refusing to accept a diagnosis.
Probably there is no easy way to get her the care she needs and take care of your dad. You will need to equip yourself with information and resources, and you will probably need to call for help, and she’s likely to get very upset at your actions at times.
Even if you do manage to medicate her somehow, it might help a bit with the paranoia but she will still probably be very challenging to deal with.
I do think it might help you to learn more about decision making capacity. I have an article here:
Incompetence & Losing Capacity: Answers to 7 FAQs
I would also recommend reading books on communicating with people who have dementia (don’t spend time reasoning with them, instead try to validate and reassure as best you can).
Another thing to consider is joining an online support group for people caring for aging parents. You’ll get lots of practical advice and moral support.
Otherwise, some specific things that can help you intervene:
– Talk to an elderlaw attorney, about your options for intervening. Laws regarding older adults vary from state to state. A qualified attorney can help your family understand your options regarding requiring her to make changes, or taking over your father’s care.
– Talk to adult protective services. Your father may be at risk, and your mother may be risking herself.
– Talk to a senior advisor or geriatric care manager. Such professionals have experience helping families navigate these kinds of thorny situations. They will also know about local resources.
You probably will have to intervene, to keep your father safe. In fact, your mother will object but really you are intervening to help her with her goals too, which are likely to maintain her health and wellbeing and independence and financial stability for as long as possible.
I wish there was an easy way forward, but almost certainly not. Don’t forget to get support for yourself as you go through this, and if any tensions or disagreements arise between your siblings, consider investing in some mediation and guidance from a professional…it does usually cost money, but in the long run, it can save you a lot of stress and heartache.
Good luck!
my father in law is 47 years old and has been thinking and hearing things yhat arent true or real. he also belives that a posted of a man was lookin and yalking to his wife that he even took the poster down because it made him so upset. and he always thinks that were ib a pack to to something terrible to him like poisioning his food or other things. they recently took him to the doctor because he had become physical with my mother in law and the told her nothing was wrong that his blood presure was high and so was his sugar diagnosing him with diabetes. can any of this relate?
Sorry to hear of this, it sounds scary for your family.
Hm. Is your father-in-law only 47 years old, or is he older? Regardless of his age, it would be extremely unusual for these types of symptoms to be caused by high blood pressure or high blood sugar (unless his blood sugar was so high that he required hospitalization).
In older people (e.g. older than 70), delusions and paranoid behavior are often a sign of Alzheimer’s or another medical illness. It is possible that a doctor might say “nothing is wrong,” meaning they don’t see any sign of abnormality on bloodwork or other signs of physical illness, but it’s not really correct, because if he is paranoid and having delusions then something certainly IS wrong, it’s just that doctors often wave off dementia symptoms in aging adults. I have more here:
How We Diagnose Dementia: The Practical Basics to Know
Now if your father-in-law is actually 47: it is possible for a non-psychiatric condition to cause delusions and other psychiatric symptoms. However, it’s far more common, for that age, for delusions and paranoia to be caused either by substance abuse, substance abuse withdrawal, or by significant mental illness such as bipolar disease, schizophrenia, or perhaps depression with psychotic features.
I’m sorry the doctor wasn’t helpful the first time. I would recommend asking more questions, or having your father-in-law seen by another clinician.
In general, it’s often necessary to do a little homework and ask a lot of questions, in order to get the right medical care. Good luck!
My mother of 92 lives in a group home. She listens to a lot of news and has also been an extremely religious person for many years. She has had good claity of mind until the past year or less but cannot get around on her owm. She owons a cd that someone purchased for her some time ago that suppisedly shines a negative light on Obama. She plays it often and wants others in the home to listen…and they have but it agitates them. The tspe was hidden from here instead of management coming out and telling her that it cannot be played but in her room. She nagged until they gave it to her. She believes that she is one of few who has this cd and believes that if Trump had it then he could ruin aobama’s polutical career…which for some reason would make her satisfied. The employees of the home asked her to allow my sister to take it to her home and place it in her safe. My mother refused saying no…that even though it’s her daughter…she wouldn’t listen to the cd. (My sister doesn’t want to listen). I am very concerned because she also calls people in the early morning hours for trivial reasons…she has been demanding for so in her own way, acts entitled, and over time has worn out my sister, sister,nlaw and my brother. I live out of state and can’t asssist them. Should she first gey physical testing?
So, it sounds like your mother has gotten more fixated on this CD, is more suspicious or distrustful of others at times, and is otherwise a little less well connected to reality and reason.
If she is 92 and you have noticed other changes in her memory or thinking, she probably has developed some chronic changes and damage to her brain, which will never get entirely better. (Hard to say just what it is in her, but it’s quite common for people her age to have developed mild vascular dementia combined with some mild Alzheimer’s-type neurodegeneration.) Those types of underlying changes can’t really be cured or treated per se. But it’s still a good idea to have an older person evaluated when their thinking changes or worsens, because there may be other treatable factor or illness that are making the thinking worse. For instance, she could have a mild metabolic imbalance that’s making mild dementia or pre-dementia worse.
I list the problems we usually check for in my article on evaluating dementia symptoms, it’s here: How We Diagnose Dementia: The Practical Basics to Know
Otherwise, the mainstay of managing difficult behaviors is to identify and remove triggers, and to learn more constructive techniques for communicating, relating, and redirecting. Trying to reason with her probably won’t work and will likely aggravate her. You need to validate her concerns and feelings without overly encouraging any paranoia or delusion, and then try to redirect the person’s attention. These techniques are described in a variety of books, you can also find some good suggestions in caregiver support groups, which are available in-person and online.
You and your family may also have to see if there’s a way you can set some healthy limits, to not burn yourself out, while still providing her with the attention and connection that she needs from you.
Medications are sometimes used to manage difficult behaviors but they are almost all problematic and risky, and so should be used as a last resort, after everything else has been tried. I explain the medication options here: 5 Types of Medication Used to Treat Difficult Dementia Behaviors
To return to your original question: it is generally a good idea to have an older person with thinking changes evaluated, mainly to see if there are any treatable conditions (including medication side-effects) that might be worsening their thinking. You may still end up with some difficult behaviors to manage, and to handle that, you’ll need patience, education on constructive approaches, and persistence. Good luck!
How come no one has mentioned Parkinson and the paranoia and delirium that comes with that
When Parkinson’s disease progresses far enough along, people do develop dementia, and that can certainly be associated with psychosis symptoms.
Psychosis also occurs earlier in Parkinson’s disease, and in such cases, it’s usually due to the anti-parkinson’s medication, or to underlying Lewy body dementia. Many Parkinson’s medications increase dopamine levels, and although this is necessary to control the motor symptoms, it can cause or worsen hallucinations and other psychosis symptoms.
Hello,
My mother is soon to be 96 years old. For the past year or so she has been telling us about a “man” peeking in her windows or knocking on her doors in the middle of the night. It is getting much worse and she says she is nervous and can’t sleep much any more (she still lives by herself). Her husband died 53 years ago and she has spent most of her life living by herself once all her children (6) left the house. This paranoia or dementia seems to be getting worse, especially since another child passed away last year (one passed away four years ago as well). When we have people spend the night with her or when I set up a game camera to take pictures of whoever is at her door, nothing ever happens. She claimed that she saw an image of a man in her back bedroom window. I went around the next morning and saw no footprints or evidence of any kind. Also, the bottom of the window is like 6 feet off the ground, so unless the guy was like 10 feet tall, it just didn’t happen. When I told her that, she got mad at me and was very dismayed that I didn’t “believe” her. We are at our wits end and not sure what to do at this point. Thanks.
This does indeed sound frustrating for everyone involved.
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for these kinds of issues to come up in people your mother’s age. As I explain in the article, the recommended next step is to get a medical evaluation, both for more evaluation of her memory and thinking abilities, and to check for other medical conditions that might cause or contribute to delusions or hallucinations.
In the meantime, it’s usually best to avoid arguing with her and instead be reassuring and focus on what might help her feel better. This is also a good time to do everything you can to reinforce a positive relationship and connection with her. Depending on how things evolve, you may need to talk about getting her more support in the home, or possibly having her move, or otherwise making some types of changes to support her if her mind or health are changing. Especially if her mind really is changing, it will become problematic for her to keep living alone. good luck!
My mom is 78. She lives with her partner of 40 years. She has had a personality shift. She’s always been one to think the way she does things is the best way and has never been good at talking about feelings, but lately she’s become mean. She’s very mean to her partner–slamming him and promoting herself. Recently my sister went through a divorce and my mom could sometimes be mean to her. She also was not answering my calls or texts, which is unusual for her.
My sister and I know she couldn’t have been like this her whole life, or we wouldn’t have always gone to her for advice, which we did.
Being with her now is stressful, as we’re worried about saying something that will set her off. Any thoughts?
Well, if you’ve noticed a change in personality, then I would encourage you to confer with your sister and ask yourself what else might be changing. Personality shifts in people her age can be caused by something affecting brain function, especially the front part of the brain. Especially if she seems to be experiencing any changes related to memory, thinking, or learning, it would be a good idea to consider an evaluation for cognitive impairment. I explain what should be covered here: Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check
If her personality changes aren’t being caused by a change to her brain or some other aspect of her health, then you might want to consider whether it might be something like being sleep-deprived, or stressed out about something in her life. Could she have some stressors going on that you aren’t entirely aware of?
Good luck!
What to do with a 76 year old aunt who has been estranged from her family for 40 + years but suddenly shows up on a doorstep after leaving an assisted care facility because they were “out to get her” and has no other friends or family and has been traveling from airport to train station to hotel for more than a month but refuses to believe anything is wrong? If anyone suggests that she see a doctor or that her delusions aren’t real she immediately cuts off all contact. She wants to live with a family member so that she can feel “safe” but none of us are in a position to add her to our household.
Wow, that’s a tough situation. There is really no right answer regarding what you should do. She does need help but you can also set some reasonable limits, which means you help her but not necessarily in the way she wants.
She probably does need more of a medical evaluation. I’m guessing no one has power of attorney for healthcare for her, so that might be tricky…some families end up having to petition for guardianship, especially if the older person seems to be gravely disabled and unable to manage their essential needs on their own.
I would not recommend telling her that her delusions aren’t real, that just tends to aggravate things. I would instead encourage you to coax her into seeing a doctor and letting someone from the family come along.
You can also contact the assisted living facility and see if they are willing to disclose at least some essential information to you, given she’s impaired. (More on accessing a relative’s health information is here: 10 Things to Know About HIPAA & Access to a Relative’s Health Information)
Also if you are worried that she can’t care for herself, you might consider calling Adult Protective Services. Good luck!
My mother is 64 years old and over the past few years her behavior has become increasingly alarming and unpredictable. When I told her that I was moving out of state, she seemingly out of the blue announced that she was leaving her husband of nearly 25 years and no one was able to change her mind. Around the same time, she announced that “the universe” had told her that my grandmother had dropped her and kicked her with she was an infant and that is why she has back problems (many of us have hereditary back issues). She also began using a crystal pendulum to help guide her in everything from what to buy at the grocery store to when someone was going to die. Anytime someone has questioned her choices, they become an enemy and she lashes out at them, usually by labelling them as “extreme narcissists” (myself included). Most recently, she has started warning family members that some of their siblings are witches and placing curses on us. This seems to be a recurring theme that has presented itself on several occasions, beginning sometime in the last year. I no longer feel safe allowing my children to spend time with her and I don’t know whether this is a personality disorder that has become worse or something new. This has been very stressful for the family and I’m not sure what to do.
Yes, this does indeed sound worrisome and also very stressful. Lashing out at people can be a personality issue aggravated by some kind of irritant, but if she has started believing that some people are witches, that sounds like a delusion and is worrisome for psychosis.
I would recommend you help her get medically evaluated, as explained in the article. Hopefully, she will be willing to go see a health professional. If not, you can still relay your concerns to her doctors. If you are really worried about her ability to care for herself, you would have to consider calling Adult Protective Services. good luck!
Hello,
I am looking for some advice and guidance, for about 2 months I have been very worried about my 64 year old mother.
My mother has always been a strong brave pillar of the family, mentally focused and emotionally driven, however I am not sure how to go about this.
My mother has been talking about someone at work saying things about her, to the point that she has said this person is coming to her home, and the neighbours know him. She also said everyone knows what is going on, as they said it over the speaker at work. She said that she heard people talking over the speaker about her at Tesco/Sainsburys and the staff talking about her. As well as school children and this issue at work was on the news too.
I initially thought she was getting bullied, so I asked if i could have her group leaders phone number and she refused. I asked if any of her friends heard the conversations over the speakers and she said yes. However she didnt tell me which friends.
Is it time to visit the GP? What does this sound like? I have been trying to research on this.
Generally she does all house hold chores, and drives to work, and is fine in her every day life however whenever it comes to work, the story sounds very strange. I am not sure how i can reach out to someone at her workplace to confirm what she is saying is true? She says that the union is fighting for her and that there is money owed to her?
Thank you for you time
regards
Sorry to hear about your mother. Yes, I think you should have her evaluated by a GP. As I explain in the article, there are many health conditions that can cause older adults to start saying things or doing things that others find unusual.
It would also be a good idea to try to get more information from others, to find out if what she says is true. It sounds a bit paranoid but sometimes we find that a person’s “crazy story” is actually true. Good luck!
My 83 year old mother is extremely intelligent and is healthy except for acid reflux. In Dec my father had to have a tube to live and was put into ICU due to complications from out patient surgery. He also has COPD. He is 88. She cares for him and he has recovered although COPD is progressing. He was offered Hospice but my mom felt they were there to kill him. Now she thinks they are going to say she isn’t taking good care of him. she takes great care of him. She stopped Hospice but thinks they are bugging the house. This is not the person I’ve known. Any ideas!!
Hm. That does sound a bit paranoid or possibly delusional. You may want to observe her and talk to others, to find out if she’s showing any other signs of memory or thinking problems.
It does sound like your mom must be under a lot of strain, with her caregiving role and your father’s health problems. That does sometimes make people’s thinking worse…although when that happens and we do a careful evaluation, we do often find that there are additional underlying medical issues affecting their thinking.
If she continues to act differently, it would probably be a good idea for her to get a good evaluation. I describe what should be included here: Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.
You may also want to see if it’s possible to get her some caregiving respite; maybe that will help her symptoms.
Good luck!
For years now my mom believes that people break in her house and steal things. She also believes that people come into her house while she’s sleeping and steal things. She believes they steal things like utensils, jeans, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc.. She has changed her locks many times, has added cameras and alarm systems. In high school, we lived in a different house and it was the same case. She has accused my sisters and I of stealing her things as well. So no matter where she lives, people are stealing from her. She has called the cops a handful of times to report items stolen. I don’t know if she’s misplacing things or just hallucinating that it even happened. My mom is only 62 years old. She can take care of herself and still gets around. I don’t live near her but we talk everyday. She’s normal for the most part, it’s just that this has been concerning me over the years because along with this she also has really outrageous mood swings. It’s pushed family away and she’s isolated by herself. She blows things totally out of proportion and just twists things to make her the victim and plays mind games. I love my mom but she’s a day by day thing, you don’t know if you’re going to get happy Tina or sad Tina or crazy Tina. I know somethings wrong. Is there any idea? I just want to have something to go off of.
Hm. This does sound difficult and stressful.
She’s not very old, so especially if this has been going on since you were in high school, it’s possible that she has some type of mental condition that isn’t particularly related to older age. Of course, people with mental illness also get older and develop cognitive issues that can make their pre-existing mental health issues worse, so it can be hard to tease out.
I would recommend a careful evaluation by a health professional. Generalists can complete the initial evaluation but for a long history of what you describe, psychiatry might be especially helpful. Good luck!
Thank you!
Dr. Kernisan,
I stumbled across this discussion thread and article while searching Google for the issues my 84 year old widowed mother is experiencing. Your article is excellent and I have a much better idea of what we’re dealing with.
Her case is slightly unique in that she is the most healthy person on the planet that I know. She will be 85 later this year and has never been on any medications, has had no surgeries, has no medical conditions and is perfectly capable of driving, eating, shopping, volunteering and going to church.
About 8 years ago, just after my father passes, she started hearing someone in her backyard. Fast forward to 2019 and we’ve installed over 20 security cameras and have had the police, neighborhood watch groups and church members do “night sentry” duty, only to come up empty. She is convinced that her prowler knows exactly where the cameras are, knows exactly what her schedule is and knows exactly when people are waiting to “catch him”.
We’ve dealt with this issue for some time in the ways you mention. Distractions, sympathizing while not correcting, etc.
However, now she is starting to think that the garbage truck drivers all meet in the neighborhood on trash day to conspire to lose her garbage cans. She has even suggested that my brother drive her down to the local grocery store parking lot so she can “catch them in the act”.
We are concerned that if this progresses much further, we are not going to be able to reason with her at all.
We would love to take your advice and alert her physician, but the last time she was at the doctor was an emergency room visit when she had a knee injury about 4 years ago. It was 10 years before that for her second most recent doctor’s visit. For someone who doesn’t GO to a physician, how methods would you suggest to help us persuade her to go? We are at a loss and the ways we’ve been dealing with this for the past decade won’t be effective much longer, I suspect.
Hope you can offer a suggestion or two!
Todd
Well, kudos to you for all the work you and your family have done so far, in supporting her. It’s too bad but not entirely surprising that she’s continued to decline.
It is indeed really difficult to get someone like her to the doctor. A few thoughts:
– Is there anything that she’s concerned about, regarding her health? Can you think of anything that would motivate her to go? Or could you frame it as a way to get some type of health check with the goal of helping her remain independent for longer?
– It is sometimes possible to find a clinician who will come to the house and do an assessment, especially if you are willing to pay out of pocket. You could see if such a service is available in your area.
– Sometimes another issue forces the person to see a physician. For instance, when an older person is reported to the DMV for driving concerns, they sometimes require a medical evaluation and the older person goes, in an attempt to preserve their license.
I do think it’s reasonable to anticipate that this may continue to slowly get worse. There is often no easy solution, even when the person does see a health provider. Medications can sometimes help with paranoia but almost never help an older person become as they were years ago, or even become “reasonable.”
Sometimes when you’ve tried lots of way to get them to a health provider — and some families do resort to white lies — but it’s still not possible, you end up having to wait until there is a crisis or emergency.
Otherwise, if you aren’t able to find a health provider to come to the home, you could look into consulting with a geriatric care manager. They have experience with these kinds of situations and can help you continue to problem-solve. Good luck!
Hello Dr. Kernisan,
I stumbled upon your article when trying to find if people who have paranoid schizophrenia can harm others. Meaning, my husband and I will be married for 32 years this June. He developed this mental illness when he was a teenager. I am his only caretaker and of course extremely stressed out. We are ten years apart in age (he’s older), and will be 68 this April. He’s under excellent care and on meds that work for the most part in keeping his thoughts under control. My question is…..our psy. just told me that he’s putting me on high alert that my husband’s getting worse. Is there a chance he may harm me?
So sorry to hear of your husband’s condition. In general, the answer to your question would be yes, there is always a chance that a person who is very paranoid or psychotic might hurt another person. That is because the psychosis can cause them to incorrectly conclude that someone else is trying to harm them, or even is not who they say they are, and some people, understandably, will try to defend themselves by striking out.
I would recommend talking to your husband’s doctors further about this issue. It is very important to get help — or at least get yourself safe — right away if a situation ever seems very worrisome to you. Your husbands doctors should be able to help you come up with a plan to address your own safety. It is wonderful that you are helping to care for your husband, but don’t put yourself at significant risk of harm. If you’re not sure what to worry about or when to get really worries, talk to your husband’s medical professionals. Whoever said your husband is getting worse should be able to help you.
Lastly, I believe there are some online support groups specifically for family members of people with serious mental illness; you can get encouragement and advice and support from such a group. Good luck!
Hi Dr. Kernisan, my husband and I have been helping our neighbor for about 20 years. She’s 88 now and moved into assisted living 4 years ago. She never married, has no children, no family , so we are her family. She had a devastating fall on March 11 trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Miraculously she didn’t break anything, but she fell directly on her face. within hours her eyes had swollen shut and a lump the size of a baseball on her forehead. Nearly all bruising is gone, the lump now ping pong ball sized, but she seems to be declining rapidly. She was in the hospital, then spent 3 weeks in rehab. She was always difficult to please and a complainer, but it is off the charts now. I understand her frustrations,( walking, eyesight, memory,toileting, everything is difficult) but I feel the 24/7 complaining and negativity is going to make her quality of life for the time she has left miserable. She did have a UTI when she was in rehab (she did have some hallucinations and odd behavior). Do you think her urine should be tested on a regular basis? I realize,physically, things will not get better, but is there anything we can do to help her mentally without drugs (I wouldn’t want her to fall again from meds).
Sorry to hear about your neighbor’s issues. It’s so good of you to be helping your older neighbor and looking out for her.
I would actually not recommend regular testing of her urine, I explain why here: UTIs and Urine Bacteria in Aging: How to get the right diagnosis & avoid unneeded antibiotics.
Re her complaining and negativity…it’s wonderful for you to help but I’m afraid you can only do what you can do. Remember that you aren’t responsible for her state of mind or her quality of life and focus on what you can do. If she enjoys your visits or something else you can do, do that. Even if she complains when you visit, she’s probably still appreciating it at some level.
Even though she is not your mother, I would recommend this recent podcast episode, about helping “difficult” older parents: 087- Interview: Coping with Difficult Older Parents. As my guest explains, often the family caregiver’s job is to tolerate the older person’s unhappiness.
Otherwise, her situation is concerning in that she sounds frail and although you are helping, you are presumably not legally authorized to make medical or financial decisions if she becomes ill or is incapacitated. Rather than trying to improve her quality of life, you may want to see if there is any way to help her with advance planning. In some states, it is possible to hire a professional trustee to step in for an older person who has no family. Or, you could contact your local Area Agency on Aging (the directory is at eldercare.gov) and see if they have suggestions for you. I would also bring this up to the hospital social worker if she is hospitalized again.
Good luck!