Dear Dr. K,
Any ideas on how I can relieve my mother’s anxiety of her thinking an animal got in the house? I can’t find anything and have moved the couches but she is convinced and scared.
She’s always been a worrier, plus her thinking has been deteriorating and her vision is impaired a bit. I take care of her and my Dad both 94. She gets upset if I tell her I think she just thought she was seeing something and says I think she is crazy. Last night she woke me up shaking and practically in tears because she thought she saw it again -I offered for her to come sleep with me but she wouldn’t. Any suggestions? — C.S.
Thanks so much for sending in this question. This is actually a very common complaint that I hear from family caregivers, so happy to share some thoughts about what might be going on, and what you can do.
Now, I can’t say for sure what is going on with your mother. That’s because she’s not my patient, and I’m not in a position to interview her and examine her.
What I can say, however, is that it’s very common for older adults to develop persisting fears, worries, and complaints that often strike their family members as irrational, paranoid, absurd, or ridiculous.
Why is this?
Among my own patients, I’ve found this is often related to underlying cognitive impairment. Meaning, dementia that hasn’t yet been fully diagnosed by doctors. (For a variety of reasons, it’s pretty common for older adults with dementia to experience a delay in getting diagnosed.) In other cases, this kind of complaint ends up being one of the very earliest signs of clinical dementia.
Lewy-Body dementia in particular is associated with visual hallucinations. But any process causing brain deterioration (Alzheimer’s, vascular dementia, etc.) can result in anxieties spiraling out of control, or persisting strange beliefs.
That said, it’s quite possible for an aging person to express such fears and not have it be dementia. Maybe there really is an animal in the house, or a person stealing your parent’s things. It’s also possible for people to develop confusion or false beliefs due a problem other than dementia, such as mental illness or delirium.
(For more in-depth information on the most common causes of paranoia and strange beliefs in older adults, see this article:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.)
Still, given your mom’s age and the fact you’ve noticed other signs of “thinking deterioration,” there’s a good chance that her persisting fear could be related to some chronic underlying cognitive impairment.
4 Things to try to help your mother
I can’t tell you what you should do, but here are some ideas that are generally helpful for this type of situation:
1. Evaluate her underlying cognitive condition. In other words, get her evaluated for possible underlying dementia. Alzheimer’s and other dementias are not curable, but if that’s what’s going on, getting a diagnosis sooner rather than later can help you. For instance, if she gets this diagnosis then you’ll know to look for relevant caregiver resources, including resources on communication in dementia.
There are also a number of things you can do to help her thinking be the best it can be, such as avoiding certain medications, minimizing stress, and promptly recognizing delirium.
Last but not least, if she is diagnosed with dementia, your family should address advance care planning, and prepare for further cognitive decline. (This is sad to think about, but important!)
2. Reason why, rather than reasoning with. Instead of trying to convince her that nothing is there, see if you can figure out what might be triggering her perception that an animal is in the house. Is there a flapping curtain or other object that she’s misinterpreting, given her vision problems? Would better lighting in the house at night help?
3. Prioritize reassurance, validation, and emotional connection over rational explanations. No matter what their age or mental condition, people respond to feeling heard and loved.
And once the brain starts changing, it’s even less likely that a logical explanation will relieve a person’s anxiety. So, try focusing on acknowledging her concern and helping her feel better. It does sound like you’re already trying to do this, but since it’s such an important point, I’m saying it anyway!
Interestingly, recent research confirmed that even people with poor memories maintain a lasting impression of an emotional experience. So keep fostering those positive emotions however you can. You might find that a hug and song work better than moving all the couches, and having your mother worry that you think she’s crazy.
4. Consider getting ideas from others caring for elderly relatives. Other family caregivers are often an excellent source of advice for trouble-shooting common problems such as anxiety, or even delusions.
You can start getting ideas — and support — from other caregivers right away through an online forum; there’s a very active forum at AgingCare.com. I would recommend doing this while her cognitive evaluation is pending, as you and she need practical behavior solutions sooner rather than later.
Whom to ask for help
Of course, I always recommend families bring up their concerns with their relative’s doctors. Most concerns families have about an aging parent do track back to underlying medical problems that should be identified and addressed.
That said, many primary care doctors don’t have the time or experience to provide the optimal evaluation and support. If her doctor doesn’t seem very helpful, consider a specialty consultation with a neurologist, memory center, or geriatrician. (See this post for ideas on how to find a geriatrics consultation.) This should enable you to get a better understanding of what brain and body problems might be affecting your mother’s behavior.
For managing day-to-day challenges, you can get excellent practical advice from geriatric care managers, but this usually requires paying out of pocket.
I hope some of this advice helps. This is a tough situation to deal with, but if you’re persistent about investigating and looking into other ways to respond, you’ll hopefully hit upon an approach that brings your family some relief.
If nothing else, finding out that other people are dealing with similar problems is often a big relief to people.
Have YOU struggled with an older parent’s fears and anxieties? What did you find helped? Please share your story below!
You might also find this related QA article helpful, which covers how to check on a paranoid parent’s safety:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.
Another possibility: Charles Bonnet syndrome. Related to her declining vision, my mother occasionally saw things that weren’t there. However, she realized that the things she saw were not real . Nothing she saw was in the least frightening. Perhaps if they’d been frightening she’d have been less able to know that they were unreal.
Yes, very good point. People can have visual hallucinations in the absence of dementia or mental illness, especially if they have chronic vision problems, and this is called Charles Bonnet Syndrome. It’s been estimated that 10-15% of older adults with vision impairment might be experiencing this.
This is why one should never presume dementia based solely on visual hallucinations, or even a few “irrational” beliefs. However, often when families tell me about an older person believing something that the family can’t quite prove, further inquiry often uncovers evidence of other thought deterioration. This isn’t surprising, given that studies have found that over 50% of people over age 90 have some cognitive impairment. And given how often older adults have vision problems, it’s quite possible that one might have cognitive deterioration AND visual hallucinations that aren’t due to the cognitive deterioration.
Further investigation and compassionate reassurance are always a good first step! Glad your mother didn’t find her hallucinations too scary.
Hi Leslie are you a specialist on old folks? My dad has ocd it’s alr a pain to manage, but mother tends to repeat things tactlessly, coz i don’t want her to remind me we cant control others, that friends are going overseas (but I’m jealous i cannot) THEY DONT WANT to leave their comfort zone and stop me as well! im not sure if its Bpd, coz despite both their nonsense they reluctant to let a professional come in.
Still working on the Ocd thing it’s bad enough, some people’s mothers do the right thing. Mine has never nurtured, only do basic duties but not show care inside. Therefore i’m insecure with people, though i know i need outer social circles but get the wrong sort of connections!
i know im late commenting hope u reply
Yes, I am board-certified in geriatrics.
I’m not quite sure what your question is. It sounds like you’re concerned about your parents but they are reluctant to get help. The article on my site explain the possible medical underpinnings of many behavior or health changes that concern adult children. It still ends up being tough to intervene, however, especially one has had challenging relationships with one’s parents earlier in life.
Try this article, which has some specific suggestions on how to get help intervening: 6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
For moral support and practical suggestions, I also recommend an online caregiver support group. The one at AgingCare.com is quite active and many people report facing situations similar to yours. Good luck!
i am a 70 yr old daughter who has no other family support and my 95 yr old mom has broken her hip twice and has some dimensia and is in rehab
how do i break the news to her that she cannot live independently anymore when she is a stubborn little lady and i don’t want to upset her so i go and visit in the hospital but i just cannot tell her cause i am afraid she will fall apart when i tell her that her independent days are over i am too old to care for her and i have no other family to help the stress is terrible and i feel like i am lying to her and i feel guilty knowing she hates hospitals and old age homes.
how do i break the news to her i am afraid she will go crazy and hate me forever
So sorry to hear of your situation. It does indeed sound very difficult.
First of all, huge kudos to you for everything you’ve done so far. Your mother may not be able to fully appreciate it, but I do and I’m sure lots of others do.
Otherwise, the answer to your question is that often, one ends up upsetting or disappointing a parent under the circumstances you describe. This is painful but if you are stressed and can’t take care of her, then finding her a placement is what you have to do, even if it makes her angry.
If she has dementia, try to not argue or reason with her or expect her to understand your reasons. Consider telling her a white lie or “fiblet” if that makes the move easier for her to accept, e.g. that your house needs repair.
I do recommend joining an online support group, such as the one at AgingCare.com. Lots of people have been through something similar, they will give you ideas on what to say and lots of support with how difficult this is.
The book Coping with your difficult older parent is also very good.
Remember, it’s ok to choose what’s better and necessary for you. You can’t always do the things that make your parent happier, it’s just often not possible. Good luck and take care!
Hey my name is Dawn and I’m my sister-in-law’s caregiver and she has been throwing up. She has diarrhea. Her blood pressure is 182 her DIA is 116 her pulse is 120 and it’s high but her heart rate is 114 95/114. She can’t make it to the toilet and she has a little pot and I just don’t know what to do but anything to drink besides water and she’s throwing it up. I don’t know what to do.
Dawn, I can’t give medical advice over the internet and the symptoms you describe sound serious. In medical emergencies, call 911 or go to the Emergency Room. For serious but not emergent issues, primary care providers or urgent care centers have doctors that can to a proper evaluation and give advice.
If you want to learn more about dehydration, I recommend checking out this article: https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/qa-how-to-prevent-diagnose-treat-dehydration-aging-adults/
My parents constantly scream….act childish and crazy
My mother knows better…maybe…
My step father is going crazy..screaming putting me down…horrible.
He screams.honks horn…for no reason…he is nuts.
I just walk away.
Craziness.
It is both of them…
Crazy behaviour
Sorry to hear this, it sounds very stressful. If it’s getting worse as they get older, I would recommend further evaluation. Good luck and take care!
Hi Leslie. I am a 11 year old. My fathers girlfriend is 73. Ahe always gets scared and shouts and yells when I spook her. I keep trying to make noise such as shuffuling my feet or clearing my throat but nothing works. She has good hearing but I dont know what to do! I don’t want her to have a heart attack! Any advice?
Hi Kalista. I’m really not used to giving advice to 11 year old’s (unless they are my own kids!). It’s hard to say what’s going on here, and people can be jumpy for a lot of reasons, but rarely so startled that they have a heart attack. This would be a good thing to talk about with your father. I’m sure he would want to know that it’s weighing on your mind.
My mother is 81 and always puts me down I know how u feel
I feel your pain: it’s only me myself and I looking after my 76-year-old father and he annoys and just does everything to get underneath my skin. I have no breathing space to do anything I need to do for myself, it’s all him so I feel your pain
Being a caregiver can feel very isolating, but you’re not alone – there are hundreds of thousands of caregivers in Canada and the USA. It’s complicated to care for a parent, and can be even harder depending on your previous relationship issues.
Dr. K has recently published a book called: “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: a geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more”. This is a practical guide to how to start helping an aging parent, but also has a lot of advice for those who’ve been caregiving for a while. You can learn more here. I think you’d find it a worthwhile read!
I live with my 98 year old mom who is in good health. Several years ago I diagnosed her with Charles Bonnett syndrome. ( searched the internet after she told me she was having funny looking people visit her!). But….. I thought about it and when it started and realized that we had changed Pharmacys at the time it began and that meant we were getting a different brand of generic drugs. I switched her back to the first pharmacy and their brand of the drug she was taking, and Voila! The visual hallucinations went away and never came back.. until recently when my sister decided to sign her up for express scripts from Tricare.,I switched it back and again she stopped having the hallucinations. So personally? I think what causes it is a filler or chemical that was used in the generic drug. Thank God I was able to get her back on the one that worked and didn’t affect her! Just a thought for everyone out there taking care of their elderly parents like me!
Thanks for sharing this story! Great thought to check and see if any recently changed medications might be an issue.
My elderly mother has done this a few times. I found that rather than trying to convince her that her perceptions were incorrect I would try to help her. And I would phrase it that way, “You know what, Mom? Let me see if I can help with this. Where did you see it go?” And then I would make a show of going to wherever it was and shooing it away and out the door. I didn’t let my mother see, but she could hear me telling said animal (in her case it was a cat) “Shame on you, you know you don’t belong in the house, now go outside.” And I’d open the door and then close it and come back and she’d be relieved I had gotten rid of the cat.
Other things I’ve done is if I could see she was mistaking one thing for something else is I would bring her over to see and say, “Oh look, that person you thought was standing outside on the porch is actually the garden hoe I brought home today. And I agree, it does look like a person out there. Would you like me to move it?” She’d say yes, I’d do that. Problem solved.
It’s similar to the times I used to show my son there wasn’t a monster in the closet by opening the door, charging in with a broom, and telling the monsters to get out and doing swishing motions. It always made my son giggle and feel good that Mom had swept the monsters away. Same thing with my mom.
They perceive what they perceive and I found just taking care of their perceived problem usually did more good than anything else. I don’t know how many times that darn cat snuck into our house, but I just kept shooing him out until my mother decided I was good and shooing away unwanted kitties.
Great that you found an approach that worked. Thanks for sharing.
My grandfather constantly tells me that someone is breaking into his apartment and stealing his things. At first, I did truly think that someone was taking his items, and we moved him from an active adult community to an independent living facility. At first, he thought that was the best thing for him, but in the past 2 months, the complaints about someone breaking in are resurfacing. I am not sure what else to do, because I know that no one is physically breaking in and I know that his memory is getting worse but it’s very very difficult to hear his cries each and every time he speaks and not try to correct or reason with him.
I have tried to talk about other things or try to say something like, “could it be that you misplaced something, or did you check over there?” But he insists that someone is taking from him. Additionally, there are other things that he’s forgetting to do like pay bills, bathe, and so on that have me worried. But when I try to confront him over these things, he gets aggregated and mean. He personally attacks me and says that I have never done anything for him or says how no one wants him. I am really not sure what else to do.
Sorry to hear of these problems. What you are describing is very very common.
You don’t say how old he is, but you say you’ve noticed memory problems and difficulty with bills and bathing. So it sounds worrisome for dementia.
Regarding responding to him, I would focus on validating his emotions and try not avoid confronting or reasoning with him. It just never convinces an older person and leads to stress for them and you.
I would also strongly encourage you to find support and information on coping with dementia behaviors. You can try your local Alzheimer’s Association, or for a good book see Surviving Alzheimer’s. The online caregiver forum mentioned above is another good place to find support.
Otherwise, if he hasn’t been medically evaluated for cognitive impairment, he needs to be. Alzheimer’s and other dementias cannot be cured, but diagnosis still matters because it helps families prepare for the future, and also should prompt changes to his medical care.
Good luck!
My mom is 75 and has not been been told she has dementia or alzheimar.She says one thing and completely deny saying it today she told me I must leave my husband and come help look after her she has a live in nanny my brother lives with her she sees things that are not there her mood swings are bad she is happy and ok the next minute sad and irate we live our mom i don’t know how else to cope with her declining health
Sorry to hear this, it sounds very difficult. I would say she definitely needs to be medically evaluated, to check on her thinking and to see if she might have another health condition that’s affecting thinking or behavior. It is not always Alzheimer’s or another dementia that is causing worrisome changes, although that’s a possibility in anyone her age. However, it’s often tricky to get such people in to see a doctor.
We have some articles and podcast episodes related to this type of situation:
Q&A: What to do if your aging parent becomes rude & resistant
How We Diagnose Dementia: the Practical Basics
Expert Interview: Helping Reluctant Parents Address Memory Concerns
Take a look (or listen), and then try to get help from others. Many people find it helpful to connect with other adult children in online forums, or in support groups. You can also try to see if any geriatric care managers in your area are giving free lectures, because many give talks on this topic. Good luck!
My mother (84 years old) has always been light fingered when she has been in her children’s homes. It was addressed many years ago. However, she was just caught red handed going through my daughter in laws purse and there was no discussion because it was late in the evening. I have asked my son to let his wife address the issue because it was her purse. He feels he needs to mediate. I fear that she already feels so humiliated that if both of them address the issue it will destroy my son and his nan’s relationship forever. He has been one of the most important people in her life. My son and his wife are a very strong duo and will be diplomatic about it but with over kill which isn’t necessary. My mother is not well physically but she is very with it with her mind. Just not as good as she was before at snooping etc. I can only imagine how she is feeling that she got caught. What are your thoughts on how to handle the situation?
Thanks in advance for your response
Hm. If you are completely sure she isn’t developing problems with memory or thinking, then it’s basically an awkward situation among family members, involving trust and boundary issues. Your son is an adult and if you are sure your mother has her full mental capacities then she is an independent adult too, and you will have to decide to what extent you want to mediate an issue between them.
I will say that generally it’s hard for people to change habits and flaws that they’ve had for a long time. So I don’t know how realistic it is to tell her she has to change; might be better for your family to figure out a way to work around this weakness of hers, and not expect significant behavior changes. I will also say that in the earliest stages of cognitive impairment, some people show worse judgment or worse inhibition of their bad habits. This means they are more likely to do things that drive family members a bit crazy, but on the other hand sometimes it helps families to realize that the older person is less able to manage their behavior because of brain changes, and not because they don’t care about family members.
Good luck!
I would think that confronting her might be the best thing.. because clearly EVERYONE knows about her.. but never confronts her.. making excuses for her is enabling… why? Because she’ll make YOU feel bad for bringing up HER toxic behavior? I have to deal with this with my mother in law, and because she throws a tantrum like a five year old, makes everyone’s life miserable because she’s not getting her way, so her children give in to her which only encourages her to continue because she knows there’s no consequences.
I can understand wanting to confront a family member who seems unreasonable and immature. It can be very satisfying and allow for venting of anger and hostility.
The downside is that confrontation rarely leads to a change in the behaviour of the irrational person, especially if there’s an underlying dementia or other mental health issue. Most of the time, the person with dementia is doing the best they can, and has a limited ability to respond to feedback or criticism.
Although it seems like the kids are “giving in”, this can be a good strategy to promote positive feelings rather than arguments.
Of course, if there’s no dementia or other issue, the behaviour may be part of a personality pattern, or may be a manipulative play. In these situations, confrontation is often not usually effective either, and in that case, setting boundaries and sticking to them would be the way to go.
Sometimes you need to just acknowledge someone is or has become a kleptomaniac. If you know ahead of time, you can just lock certain doors and lock up or hide valuables. It’s sad, but kinder.
This comes from someone who has friends with parents who suffer from kleptomania and have intimate experience. We all use the same tactic. Just put away valuables when the person comes to visit or visit in public or at their homes. There is no point in confronting a mental illness in most cases as a non-professional.
That does sound like a practical solution, Will. If it’s not a new issue, which could be a sign of cognitive impairment or depression, then just working around the person seems reasonable.
My grandfather has started to exhibit similar symptoms – he sometimes thinks there is a delivery-person at the door even when there is no one there. He is very insistent, and it is difficult for my mother to try to convince him it isn’t real, or that he shouldn’t worry about it. Thanks for the post, I will send it to her.
Glad you found it helpful.
My 90 year old mother has lived with my husband and I for a year now since moving out of an assisted living facility. She has been diagnosed with dementia. She is rather independent but does have memory and confusion problems. I have never read any information on the situation I have with my mother. I am the only person taking care of her every day but she thinks their are other women taking care of her that look alot like me and say they have the same name as me. At times she knows that I am her daughter but most of the time I don’t know who she thinks she is talking to. Soften tells me things about the other caregivers that are not quite true….I know this because I am her only caregiver! Have you ever heard of this before??
Thank You.
People with dementia do get confused about who is who, and they also can make things up or have false beliefs. So what you describe doesn’t sound all that surprising.
It occasionally helps to have the person’s medications checked, as some side-effects can make the confusion worse.
Otherwise, you might find it helpful to join a support group online or in person, as other dementia caregivers are often good at supporting each other. Good luck!
My mother does the same thing, I’m the only care provider and she has asked me if I have family members living close by, has asked me when is my birthday and when I tell her she says oh your a Christmas baby! She now sometimes does not recognize my father asking me who that man is? or says there are others in the house.
My mum is 76 years and is either very happy or very low, no middle ground. When she is low she withdraws to bed and cries. It is a roller coaster with her and we know her good mood won’t last and we will have to see her down again. We as a family have tried to get her to recognise what is happening and seek help but she blames it on being married to my dad, or on something we have done and says she hasn’t made the right choices in her life and hasn’t got the life she wants, however when up she is the luckiest person, family around her, a lovely home and beautiful garden. We understand she had a very difficult childhood, and she has always been depressive, not satisfied and we as the family trying to please her and make her happy. We are at a loss what to do to help her and take the stress off the family as we hate to see her so often down and she has also become verbally cruel and spiteful especially towards my dad when she starts going down. Any advice appreciated.
Sounds like a difficult and sad situation. In my experience it is often hard to make headway when people have a history of being depressive or difficult, but I would still encourage you to have her evaluated by a doctor if you haven’t already done so. A certain proportion of people do get better with medication or psychotherapy, especially if there isn’t any concurrent cognitive impairment (memory/thinking problems).
Swinging between very happy and very down is less common…so it would be good for her to see a geriatric psychiatrist if possible.
Otherwise, I always tell families it’s very important to consider counseling for yourselves. You can and should make an effort to help an older relative. Yet despite all the efforts sometimes the older person won’t end up happy or well, and it’s important to learn to cope with that. Mindfulness practices seem to help people, provided they stick with it.
Last but not least, I would encourage you to seek support from other people caring for aging parents. You will find that many are going through something similar, and they will have ideas on how to cope. AgingCare.com has a fairly active forum of family caregivers providing support to each other.
Good luck!
Hi Leslie, same here my dad is 70 years old but sudden he stopped talking to anyone for two weeks and sudden started saying don’t be too loud somebody is making videos and don’t want us to open curtains. Even he doesn’t want to go outside he thinks that somebody wants to kill him. I reassured him starts going for a walk with him. Ask him check outside the window there is nothing. He is doing better now a days. But still sometimes doesn’t want to go outside make excuses that my leg is hurting. I contacted doctor, he said it’s either dementia or delirium. He is diabetes too but not hypertensive. So do you have an idea, what it is? Is it depression?
Glad to hear your Dad is doing better. When an older adult gets symptoms that we might describe as “paranoid”, we want to rule out some of the conditions you mentioned, like delirium and dementia.
Depression can cause some paranoid thoughts as well. A depressed person may also demonstrate sadness, change in appetite and sleep, poor concentration, feelings of guilt, lack of enjoyment of pleasurable activities, and in an older adult, changes in memory or function can also be observed.
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell depression from dementia, and I made a YouTube video about that, which you can watch here.
My 75 year-old father is suddenly calling us at odd times – like really early – and bringing up really odd perceived slights that supposedly happened years ago. For example, my husband insulted a favorite college basketball coach and this might “split up our family”. He is also overly interested in politics and states that we have “hurt his feelings” for not supporting his candidate. He often brings up fairly off fears – like global warming is “made up” and that he has great concerns over the future. He is upset over our son’s choice of colleges too. It is always something. Any advice would be appreciated.
Whenever people tell me their parent’s behavior has changed or become more paranoid, I recommend a medical evaluation for possible cognitive impairment. You’ll want the doctors to assess for medication side-effects and other problems that might affect thinking.
Sometimes these kinds of behavior problems can be the very earliest signs of a dementia such as Alzheimer’s, but not always…so you don’t want to jump to conclusions but you DO want to make sure he is carefully assessed by a doctor.
I have more info on what dementia-mimics doctors should assess — and how you can prepare to get the best help from the visit — here: How We Diagnose Dementia: The practical basics
Good luck!
My question is: How do you get someone tested for cognitive issues when they refuse to be tested? Both of my elderly parents need caregiver help, but they refuse it. (My mom has recently had two surgeries, and she was fine until the last one. She also was recently diagnosed with chronic pulmonary fibrosis. Since the last surgery (well over three months ago), she can’t remember things, and has difficulty keeping a train of thought in conversations. My dad had a stroke last year. Since that time he is 95% blind.
The problem is that they are both very independent, private people. My dad is my mom’s health care Power of Attorney, and he refuses to have her tested for cognitive issues. (I suspect that is because, since his eyesight issues, he cannot drive and Mom is the one who, incredibly, drives both of them to their doctor appointments, which terrifies me. ) Both my brother and I live half a country away, and we have BOTH offered to have one of us move in and take care of them. They won’t hear of it. I even offered to just come home for a short time–a month or so–so that they wouldn’t feel as if i was “taking over.”
My aunt has phoned me repeatedly, saying they need help. I have contacted myriad elderly services in their county, but all require that they be home bound or requiring in-home care before services can be rendered.
Even simple things such as having groceries delivered they refuse to do. (Their local grocery store has a free home-delivery service. Yet my mom insists on driving to the store.)
I am worried sick. I called a friend of mine who is an eldercare case worker, and she says that there really is nothing I can do if they won’t let me help. But I can’t stand the stress of knowing they NEED help, but refuse to let me (or anyone else) give it.
What can I do? I am a nervous wreck over this.
This is not an uncommon situation, but it is difficult and stressful, especially when two parents are involved. (BTW your mom getting mentally worse after surgery is VERY common; sounds like delirium and she might slowly keep getting better but some never fully recover.)
There actually ARE a number of things you can do, but most are not easy. For instance, many states have ways that a potentially unsafe driver can be reported. And if an older person shows signs of memory or thinking problems, it’s often possible for others to intervene. But as I said, it’s usually not easy to intervene when older parents are resisting, both for logistic and for relationship reasons.
It’s also often very hard for people in your situation to figure out just what to try and how. Geriatric care managers and other professionals with experience navigating “eldercare challenges” are often helpful. Usually you have to pay out of pocket, but it sometimes saves money in the long run and can reduce the stress and confusion for family members.
For now, I have two podcast episodes and one article that cover helping resistant parents when memory might be an issue:
Solving Hard Problems in Helping Aging Parents
Helping Reluctant Parents Address Memory Concerns
4 Things to Do When an Older Person Resists Help
Last but not least, I would recommend finding an online caregiver support group for people helping older parents. (There’s an active one at AgingCare.com.) You’ll find that many people are struggling with similar situations, and people often share good tips with each other.
Good luck!
My mother is 80. She if very active (despite breaking her hip 2 years ago) she still attends water therapy 3 times a week at the YMCA, she drives to the base (which is 20 miles away) and pays her bills on time. She is a retired Psych nurse and has shown signs in the past of paranoia. Lately she has “heard” voices of her grandchildren in her home and called my sister. She also has difficulty with getting the right words to say out and has her sleep pattern out of whack and will call people at odd times of the night. With her independence comes the fact she won’t share any medical information because she thinks we are out to get her committed. How can I test her/question her to find out the level of decline she may be in to make sure she is safe?
Great question regarding a common and difficult situation.
Given that your situation is compelling and that it’s hard to answer briefly, I’ve decided to write a post addressing your question and the related issues. Should be published within the next few weeks, and I will place a link here once it’s available.
In the meantime, you can find a list of things to check in the Checking Older Parents Quick Start Guide.
My mother is 99. She thinks her grandson is coming to her assisted living apt. harassing her with flashing lights, and sticking needles in her. I tell her it is impossible he is coming, and on several occasions he has been out of town. No matter the explanation I give her, she won’t believe me. It has come to the point I can’t handle this any more. She will not believe anybody.
Yes, it can be very hard when an older parent develops these kinds of beliefs. Explanations generally don’t work.
Has her memory and thinking otherwise been evaluated? I would also encourage you to visit an online support group for ideas and moral support.
My father is 89 and my mother 87. He had bladder cancer last year and had his bladder removed. It was a difficult recovery but he is a lot better now. A few years ago, maybe 5 years, he accused my mother of being unfaithful with a family friend. She was shocked that he would think that and denied it. I believe her completely. It has come up between them several times and now is being brought up more often with him claiming to have followed her and saying that she told him that she was with this other man, all untrue. Im worried about him seeming to be paranoid and can see no reason that he would believe this has happened. My mother is distraught and I’m not sure how to handle this problem.
Very tough but not uncommon. In my experience, this is often the sign of some kind of mild brain dysfunction, and it may have been made worse by his surgery and difficult recovery.
If you haven’t already done so, I would recommend you make sure your father’s doctor knows about this, and also ask about further evaluation for memory or thinking problems.
Re your mom, it sometimes helps for people to realize that their spouse’s paranoia or delusions are signs of a medical problem. But it is of course still very difficult and hurtful to hear these things. It might help your mother to find an in-person or online support group; many people feel better when they realize that others are going through similar experiences. Good luck!
Our 90 year old mother has been in bed most of the last 7 years after a series of heart attacks. Five stents were implanted, and then she began having seizures, that seemed to be triggered by any strong emotion. Seizures are now common every day. Most anti seizure drugs were rejected for various reasons, leaving Ativan as the one drug used to prevent and/or stop them. Mom experiences auditory, visual and tactile hallucinations at times, and seems quite coherent and rational at other times. She thinks she hears a radio playing a single song over and over for hours on end. The music stops when she hears a real human voice, but she begs us to fix that radio! Worst of all, she believes wax is building up on her body and must be removed. It supposedly flows from her ears when she is sleeping and covers her torso front and back and rolls down her arms. She can work for hours at a time trying to scrape off ‘wax.’ She admits the wax can’t be seen, but still becomes very angry if I say I can’t see or feel it. She now expects caregivers to help her scrub her skin with paper towels in a precise motion that she believes is making the wax roll off, rather than crack and smear. It is tragically real to her, distressful, and endlessly time-consuming. We throw away bags of paper towels every day used for her routines. She refuses to be distracted from this compelling hallucination. My brother and I share her care with 3 part time caregivers. They play along and scrub her down when she invites them into her hallucination. She deeply resents my brother and me for discouraging her rituals. Any advice for us would be appreciated.
Wow, this sounds like an exceptionally challenging situation. Seizure control can be difficult.
The ideal would be to try to get a consultation with a geriatric psychiatrist. Although anti-psychotic medications have many risks in older adults, it’s sometimes reasonable to try them when an older person or family is suffering due to the older person’s delusions.
It might also help to find a dementia behavior specialist (some social workers do this) to offer advice on how to manage this behavior and otherwise minimize your mother’s distress. Good luck!
My mom wi turn 70 in December. Over a year ago she told me she thought there were aliens in the Earth’s crust. She reads things in dark parts of the internet. She lives alone and has for 20 years since my dad passed. I blew it off as conspiracy but I cannot get through a coversatio without it going from normal to weird anymore. Her last email to me this morning has her convinced American money will be changing and it I see a bright light in the sky to look away. She told me the last time we spoke that something “big” is coming. I have no idea what to do. She seems normal otherwise but this scares me. I have two kids under 5 and I work full time. I’m not sure how to handle this.
You are quite right to be concerned. She needs to be medically evaluated and assessed for causes of late-life paranoia.
Late-life paranoia is actually very common, so I just published a podcast episode and an article addressing this type of situation:
QA: Helping a Paranoid Older Parent and Checking Safety
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
The biggest challenge initially for families is getting the older parent in to see the doctor, AND making sure the doctor has adequately checked for the six main causes of late-life paranoia. Unsurprisingly, paranoid older adults are often reluctant to get evaluated.
There is no easy trick to getting your parent evaluated, but in the article above I share several suggestions on getting help, and also on accessing family caregiver support groups online while you do this.
You will need to find some time to either address this yourself or coordinate with other family members. It is usually a slog, I am sorry to say. Good luck!
My Mother smells things that no one else smells. Says the toxins are making it close her throat and can’t breath. She got a new fridge and wants to get rid of it because of the new smell. This and a few other new quirks are making us,her family to be concerned. Should we have her tested for dementia?
Hm. Usually as people get older their sense of smell decreases. It would be helpful to know if she’s always had a sensitive nose or if this sensitivity to odors is new. Would also help to know whether the other quirks seem paranoid or delusional in nature or not. New medications is another possibility to consider.
I would certainly recommend you help her discuss this and any other recent changes with a doctor. In terms of dementia evaluation, this is most likely to be useful if a senior is either showing some of the 8 behavior changes associated with Alzheimer’s, or if you notice other signs of late-life psychosis. I have more information here:
8 Behaviors to Take Note of if You Think Someone is Getting Alzheimer’s
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
Good luck!
She could have chemical sensitivities. I had to get a refrigerator with a stainless steel interior because the plastic smell of a new one made me sick. I had to offgas my new ovens out in the garage. My husband can smell these things as well, it just doesn’t make him cough like I do. I’m sure you’re just unaware, and should spend some time on the internet looking at all the ways people can buy safer products, because these allergies are not all that rare. That “new car smell” , for instance, is highly toxic. I have some pretty insensitive relatives who loved to have back yard fires, burn their scented candles, and spray Febreeze all over the place. Now that they have two small children and have done some research of their own, suddenly they’re getting rid of all that stuff. Thank goodness – better late then never.
In an older person whose brain has already started to experience some changes, chemical sensitivities could perhaps make him or her worse. I’m not sure how often this happens in someone who didn’t seem to be particularly sensitive to chemicals earlier in life, but it’s a good thought to have.
That sounds just like a description of me and I’m only 62. When my husband is showering himself upstairs I immediately start to cough even though I am at the other end of the house. Google MCS – multiple chemical sensitivity.
We are having a particularly difficult problem with my husband’s 102 year old mother. She is in an assisted living facility, living in a one-bedroom apartment. She believes someone is stealing her toilet paper, and now hides it. She of course does not remember to bring it with her when she uses the toilet, so she just uses whatever is handy- towels, napkins- which are not disposed of or cleaned afterwards. She refuses to keep the toilet paper handy. She also will not wear adult diapers although she has leakage and control issues. This is an especially tough one to tackle, and she may be forced to move, which will be difficult at her age. We have told her the toilet paper is free, and have tried many approaches to keeping it close to the toilet, but she still will not keep it out.A move at her age will be very difficult.
Wow, that’s a tough one. There’s a medical side to what you could do, and then a practical problem-solving side.
Medically, her belief that someone is stealing sounds like a paranoid delusion. So you should make sure her doctor knows about this, and you should make sure she’s been evaluated to figure out what might be causing the problem. It could be early dementia but it’s also important to make sure that her thinking’s not being worsened by a medication side-effect, electrolyte imbalance, or other problem. Thinking can also be worsened by such mundane problems like untreated pain and constipation.
You can learn more about causes of paranoia here: 6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.
If your family or the doctor are considering medication to manage this difficult behavior, be sure to read this article which explains the options in depth: 5 Types of Medication Used to Treat Difficult Dementia Behaviors.
In terms of practical problem-solving, you basically need to brainstorm and be creative…hm…what about those industrial toilet paper holders that are used in public bathrooms? Could you get one of those installed? (You can even tell her that you’re doing this because you know she’s concerned about someone taking the toilet paper and this will protect it.)
If she is having continence difficulties and won’t wear diapers, you could try to see if it’s possible to implement “timed toileting.” This basically means prompting her to go to the bathroom on a schedule (e.g. every 2-3 hours). You should also discuss the incontinence with the doctor; again the goal is to identify underlying factors that are causing/worsening incontinence, and then treat/manage as many as you can.
Good luck getting her evaluated and finding solutions. I agree with you that a move would be hard on her, so applaud you for looking into ways to keep her where she is.
Thank you for the information. I’ve been learning a lot in the past two months, out of need. My mother has Alzheimer’s and with a recent multiple compression fracture in her spine, being in the hospital and nursing home while waiting for test and spinal procedure to be done, her health declined rapidly. She couldn’t walk and became delirious the first night at the hospital. The first night in her nursing facility etc. no one warned me of this. She also had a UTI. On the day of her spinal procedure the anesthologist was one person who warned me the delirium could be worse after she woke up. My mom constantly said and asked the same things over and over. I repeated the same assurances to her over and over. It scared her that her memory was failing her and she was worried she would forget all of her family and her home. I reassured her that no matter what she forgot, we would never forget that she is our mom and will always love and take care of her. I cry as I write this because I am going through all of this right now. I’m the one doing everything and making the decisions and I have to Spouse for emotional support. I’ve been staying with my step dad to help him over night and to get to and from the nursing home. Now he has shown me signs of confusion and paranoia this morning, pacing the hall. This is all very hard for me to handle.
This whole process has left me feeling so sad for elderly people who have no one to fight for them. I need to be a fighter for them. I cannot stand the fact that there are helpless elderly people out there just being ignored and tossed aside.
Once I’ve taken care of my parents and seen them to their comfortable as possible end, I need to make a difference.
I need to get more information on how I can become an advocate for the elderly. Can you lead me in the right direction?
How wonderful that you’d like to become an advocate for the elderly. But, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now! So sorry to hear of these challenges your family is facing. Your mother and step dad are indeed very lucky that you are there to help them through this time.
Honestly, I would recommend that for now, you focus on taking care of yourself and them. Have you looked into support groups? Your local Alzheimer’s Association can be a good resource for this, and if you connect well with the group, there might eventually be opportunities for you to help other families. Another option would be to look into online forums and support groups, either specific to dementia or for people helping aging parents. This would be another way to get support AND learn more about what organizations currently exist to help older people.
Good luck and take care!
Hello doctor,
Vinster here from India.
We are having a particular problem with my 49 year old mother.
Physically she’s almost fit but she think someone has hacked her mobile phone (which is not possible in india without permissions from cops and home ministry department) so she thinks someone has hacked her phone and is sending text through whatsapp about her illness. She think wherever she takes her phone, people around her automatically receives text/whatsapp messages about her illness. So she either dont carry her phone or she switch it off.
She think our neighbor people are behind spoiling her good image. Everyday she randomly blames every other neighbor. Though she dont get into brawl with them.
Would like to give a fresh example. Last week when we were visiting my uncle, on the way at a traffic jam at a signal, an unknown lady from a cab saw her, when my mother noticed that lady, my mother got worried and straight away took her phone from me and switched it off.
Whenever i clear all her doubts, she says all her doubts are cleared and she’s fine now and don’t need to seek any doctor’s advice but after 2 to 3 days she’s back with that again.
I dont know how to clear off all this things that are going through her mind. My granny (mother’s mother) too had such kind of illness so we all also think that this must be a hereditary problem.
Please help. Need a solution on this “technological worriness”
Thanks in advance.
Regards.
Sorry but I can’t be of much help. Your mother needs a medical evaluation to determine the cause of her symptoms. Once the likely cause is identified, you will need to work with the doctor on a suitable treatment plan.
If she is reluctant to see the doctor, then you will need to find ways to work around this. Sometimes it helps to point out that a medical problem such as an electrolyte imbalance or medication side-effect might be the problem, instead of framing it as her needing to “get your mind checked.” Or sometimes it helps to frame it as something she can do for you, rather than something she needs to do for her own health.
Your mother is not really old enough for this site’s information to be a good fit for her, but you may still find it helpful to read this article, which explains the more common causes of paranoia and psychosis symptoms in older adults: 6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.
Hi, My Grandma Recently admitted in hospital for Low Blood pressure and High Diabetes. Now here health condition is better . But what we observe is her mind is not stable. She is keep on fearing that some one is threatening her by take some pics and demanding for money. And Some one has kidnapping my family Members and demands for money. Please advise how to cure her. How to make her Mind stable. We have never faced this issue with her in Past. Her age would be around 70.
The types of fears and beliefs you are describing sound like paranoid beliefs and presumably delusions. They are quite common in older adults; experts estimate that 25% of older people will at some point experience “late-life psychosis.”
To help her get better, she needs an evaluation to determine what might be causing these symptoms. I explain the main causes of paranoia and other forms of late-life psychosis in this article:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
If she was hospitalized recently, it’s possible that she developed some delirium during hospitalization and this may slowly get better over time.
Hospital Delirium: What to Know and Do
Do try to get her evaluated. In the meantime, remember that it never works to try to reason with the older person or talk them out of their fears. Avoid arguments and instead, try to provide reassurance and also redirect the conversation when you can. Good luck!
My dad has had a hip op after a fracture aged 91. He has pernicious anaemia. He has severe anaemia but it slowly got better. Then a UTI was discovered. He has only had one uti in the central white matter 8 years ago. Has had PA for about 10 years.
After the op he was his usual lovely self and has declined as the UTI got worse. Medical people say it is only 1 month. Gen Anasthetic, Post Op Cognitive Dysfunction; and UTI are giving him irrational thought. He called me by his brothers names one night when he woke. He keeps talking about joining up his gums or face???? He has problems with taps at home. And he keeps saying ‘now what’ when doing very basic things so loss of exec function. But he passes all the Alzheimers tests including short term memory, counting backwards, months of year backwards, day, date, year but has problems guessing the time. Sometimes forgets what time it is. He can walk with his zimmer really well.
Has restless leg syndrome. Has Atrial Fib and SVT now and again but also irregular heart beat permanently though you cannot tell from feeling pulse on neck.
Because he can talk two languages (English and basic servant hindhi) and he was quite well qualified (Intermediate Science in Chemistry) and was a very switched on guy, using a laptop excel sheet regularly up until his fall on 13 May 2017 it is very depressing to see him like this.
I am a little perplexed by your reference to “uti in the central white matter,” because UTI usually means “urinary tract infection,” which should have nothing to do with “white matter,” which usually refers to brain health. (I do have an article on white matter lesions here: Cerebral Small Vessel Disease: What to Know and What to Do
I am not at all surprised by the general contours of your story, because it sounds like your father developed some delirium while in the hospital. It is very common for older adults to develop confusion related to illnesses or hospitalizations. Increasing age makes this more common, so it’s quite common for people in their 90s like your father.
I explain more about delirium in these articles:
Hospital Delirium: What to know & do
10 Things to Know About Delirium
I hope he recovers. There is more information on recovery in the articles above. Good luck!
My grandmother has been recently gone through 2 minor operation. She is behaving in awkward way .i am really worried about her mental stability.she can not differentiate between morning and night. Sometimes she starts saying something than simultaneously turn the talk and say something else .Barely could be understood .
If she has mentally changed after having an operation, then this may well be delirium. You can find more here:
Hospital Delirium: What to Know & Do
10 Things to Know About Delirium
My 88 yr old mother in law called me to ask if my husband (their son) had been in their city that day. (We live over an hour away) my 90yr old father in law claimed (and argued) that he had seen and spoken to him, and that their son had said he was going to get a chicken (cooked!!) and would meet up at the food area…where my in laws waited for over 1/2 an hour, when he obviously didn’t show up, they went home and waited for our arrival. When we didn’t show up, they called to ask where we were. My fil literally argued with me that he saw and spoke to him.
Other issues…he will call to ask how to put gas in the car; how to open the trunk; couldn’t get the key out of the ignition (lights are one and bell dinging) he hadn’t put it in park, and wouldn’t listen to instructions to check if it was in oark.
He will decide that he has to put the garbage out, when it’s not even garbage day, or insisting that he has to go get his blood taken, and when told that it’s not open or not garbage day, half hour later, he’ll say it again. Is this a start of dementia? Thank you!
This certainly sounds concerning. If it’s been going on for a while and is slowing getting worse, it would indeed be quite concerning for possible dementia. However there are other problems that can scramble an older person’s thinking a bit (e.g. medication side-effects, electrolyte imbalances), and even if you suspect early dementia, it’s important to check for those.
If you haven’t already seen these articles, I would suggest you read:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do (even though you aren’t describing much paranoia, the problems that cause paranoia can also cause scrambled thinking)
How We Diagnose Dementia: The Practical Basics to Know
Good luck!
Cognitively Impaired.
So here is a story, I work at a grocery store and an elderly man comes in every day and steals several times a day. He has been spoken to about it. When approached he says he won’t do it again but keeps on doing it. There are no present caregivers with him. Not sure if he has dementia or Alzheimer’s. But if he knows what he’s doing is wrong when approached, does he have a mental illness?
Interesting situation.
“If he knows what he is doing is wrong” is not really a good test to apply, in terms of determining whether or not he is cognitively impaired, or has another form of “mental illness.” I would expect that many people with early dementia would know stealing is wrong yet could still have difficulty controlling the behavior. And then of course some people steal and are not cognitively impaired, they do it for economic reasons or occasionally due to a stealing compulsion.
It does sound like he needs evaluation of his cognitive state. Your best bet might be to report his behavior to the police. (In some places, police are getting trained to better understand older adults who might be confused.) They might be able to contact family or otherwise facilitate some kind of process to learn more about his social situation and health situation.
Good luck, and if you can, let us know what happens.
My dad has always been racist, homophobic and just an angry man. This is now spilling over into my family’s family and is putting great strain on us as my wife and I are in the middle of this. Rationalising with him does not work as he keeps fanning the flames with derogatory comments aimed at her family members on Facebook. His view is that it is a “free country” and his views are “his views” even if it hurts other people. It’s getting worse. Any help would be so appreciated.
Yikes, that sounds like a tough situation.
Well, if he has always been like this and you haven’t noticed any signs concerning for memory or thinking problems, then it’s really about how to cope with a difficult family member. You would basically need to figure out how to set healthy boundaries, so that his toxicity doesn’t spill over into your own life too much. It also helps to build up your own capacity for resilience and constructive communication. This is much easier said than done, but there are books on dealing with difficult family members and then relationship therapists are usually quite experienced with this as well.
If this is getting worse as he gets older, or you otherwise suspect that brain changes might be a factor, then it’s a little trickier. You should still set boundaries, but you might also want to consider whether you can help him get evaluated, and you might want to monitor for further deterioration and possible safety concerns.
Good luck, it is definitely difficult to have someone like this in your life.
My mother is 91, lives alone in the house that she and my father built together. My sister and I, her only living relatives, live near each other, but 400 miles away from my mother. The only medical problem she has is hypothyroidism, which is well controlled and she sees her PCP once a year. My sister and I make the trip back to take her shopping every other month. I cook up soups, and dinners and fill up her freezer so she can just warm things up. I call her everyday to check in. She’s still pays all her bills and does quite well except for times when she gets very upset with the TV. It’s always on, her constant companion. But she is convinced that the people on the news can see and are talking directly to her. (she thinks the present administration is spying on her and hates it) Part of the problem is her hearing, which she will not admit is a problem, and the fact that she basically does not have any contact with people on a daily basis. She refuses to move, either in with me, or to her own place near us. These outburst of anxiety happen about once every two weeks. Then the next day she is fine. I think she is very lonely, but fear of change has always been a problem. How can I best deal with her anxieties over the phone, so that my BP doesn’t go through the roof when talking with her? She doesn’t trust the medical community, and would not talk to her doctor about it. I think in the back of her mind she knows this is whacked thinking and would never admit it to anyone else but me. Other than that she seems to be fine. Cleaning the house, sticking to her routines, eating 3 meals a day etc. She has always been a bit on the paranoid side, and can get quite mean. What would be the best way to handle this episodes? Thank you.
So, she’s always been a bit paranoid but sounds like you think she is getting slowly worse, right?
This is a tough situation. It’s not uncommon, but that doesn’t make it easier.
To narrowly answer your question: to deal with her on the phone without getting too stressed out, things that help include:
– Don’t argue or try to reason her out of her beliefs. It will frustrate you both. Instead, you need to accept that she is going to inhabit a somewhat different reality. Help her feel heard and validated without encouraging any problematic delusions.
– Work on building up your own resilience to these types of stressful situations. Get enough sleep. Consider meditation or a mindfulness practice. Get enough exercise. Learn and practice techniques that help you let go of difficult situations that you can’t control.
– Consider joining an in-person or online support group for people with aging parents. This is a good way to get support and ideas.
It sounds like she doesn’t have a diagnosis of any form of cognitive impairment. Still, you might find it helpful to read some books on how to constructively communicate with people who do have mild dementia and are paranoid, because the practical communication tips should be helpful.
The ideal would be for your mom to get medically evaluated to make sure there isn’t anything treatable going on, which is worsening her thinking.
In terms of the bigger picture on your mother’s situation, there are really no easy solutions. Families are sometimes able to coax an older person into getting more help or supervision or evaluation, but it’s usually hard to do so if the person has a suspicious mindset. So instead, change often comes about when a crisis hits.
I have some additional suggestions on helping a resistant older parent with paranoia here: 6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do. Good luck!
Thank you so much for your reply. It is greatly appreciated.
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Namaste ,my name is vamsi krishna my problem is my mother,she is always think wrong and in reverse if when any two persons outside my house talking biggerly and at that time if my mom hear that sounds she go out side and use abuse language without any break( biggerly) that makes me very gilty and shame to face others and i lost my confidence i think she has psychological problem i hope u will give me a correct solution for me thank you
Sorry to hear of your mother’s problems, that does sound very difficult.
As I explain in the article and in the comments above, she really needs a medical evaluation to see what might be causing or worsening her thinking.
In the meantime, it’s unfortunately not going to work to try to reason her out of these behaviors, so you have to just try to reassure and redirect her. You might be able to discreetly apologize to anyone she offends by letting them know she is not well. Good luck!
My Mother is 65. My Stepfather passed away two years ago and she lives alone now. She is the caretaker for my three daughters while my husband and I work. My youngest daughter started attending school all day, and my oldest daughter started attending college. My kids still go to her house but not as much since they are in school most of the time. My Mother has a lot of time to her self and does not have any hobbies or any real friends.
Lately she has started obessing saying that everyone and everything smells. She says my house and her house smell bad. She says that my family and I have a bad smell to ourselves, yet we are oblivious to this fact. I think she feels that we are making here house smell bad when we go stay there. She has started obsessing over the smell and covering her house in essential oils and baking soda. As soon as She opens her door you are assaulted with Peppermint, and the smell is so strong that you can hardly breathe. She is constantly sniffing my kids, telling them they smell, and then spraying them with some concoction. She will take their clothes and then bring them back wrapped up in bags. She will wrap up all the bedding in her hose and air out her mattreses for weeks. She will take her furniture and put it outside to air out.
Today we found charcoal air freshners and baking soda hidden all over my house. When I called and asked her about it she just screamed at me and said that she was not crazy and it was not because she lived alone (I did not even accuse her of this) but did tell her that no one but her was ever aware of a smell in our house or hers. And no one else has ever told us that we smell bad or have a smell. She refused to listen to me, like always, and hung up.
Now my Mother has obessed over things in the past, but this is making me really worry. This obession is not only affecting her life but my family as well. It is giving my children a complex about themselves and it is affecting their relationship with their grandmother. I am worried that this may be something more than depression affecting my Mother, but I do not know how to help her. She won’t even accept that she has a problem, so how do I get her help. Where do I start and who do I take her to, to make sure that she is okay?
Oh wow, this definitely sounds like a tough situation. It also sounds a little unusual, with this focus on smells. I believe it’s possible but uncommon for people to develop “olfactory hallucinations” due to something physically affecting the part of the brain that processes smell. Otherwise, this could be considered an unusual variant of late life paranoia, and I explain the most common causes of that here: 6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.
The second half of the article on paranoia is about options for getting help, even when a parent is reluctant, so please do take a look at that article if you haven’t already done so.
Otherwise, I’m not sure just where you should start, but here are some things to consider:
– have you noticed any other signs of changes in her thinking or memory? The article has links to other pages that can help you know what to look for.
– Is it currently possible to reason with her regarding some things not related to the smell issue? If so, you might be able to negotiate that she at least try to distress your kids less. If she’s not able to engage in a constructive conversation (and if so, is that new or has she always been this way?), then don’t persist in trying to reason with her, as this will aggravate her and make it harder for you to otherwise coax her into getting help.
I also think you need to seriously consider how you can protect your children while you sort this out with your mom. It might be a good idea to limit your mother’s time taking care of them for the time being, mainly to protect your kids’ relationship with their grandma and also their sense of themselves. If she is constantly criticizing them, that can be damaging to them.
Obviously if your mom is used to taking care of them, she may well be hurt or distressed if you try to scale back her time with them. See if you can find a way to be diplomatic.
Honestly there are no easy answers for this type of situation. You absolutely do need to try to get her medically evaluated, the question is how to manage it if she’s resisting, and how to protect your family from the impact of her behaviors.
I describe a way of considering the pros and cons of your available options in a recent podcast episode (we call this “balancing the benefits versus the burdens” in geriatrics), you might find it helpful:
054 – How to Make Difficult Decisions Easier: Using Goals of Care & Weighing Benefits vs Burdens
Good luck!
My 78 year old mother has Parkinson’s. About a year and a half ago she had to be admitted to the hospital due to falling and suffering from psychosis. My brother and I transferred her to a short term care facility where they got her medications straightened out and she received physical therapy. She returned home able to move about her home with out falling and also hired Day cna assistance.
Over the course of the year and a half she has stopped her physical therapy and in the last two weeks has fallen again 3 times. The last fall was serious. She went outside to look for something that she thought she threw away (with out her walker), fell and split the back of her head open. Hospitalized again, my brother and I along with mom in agreement decided to have her go back to short term care for physical therapy. Yesterday she was fine, and when my brother came to visit she was pleasant to him. When I came to unpack her things she cried and lashed out at me saying that I was a horrible daughter and “if I loved her I would take her home”. She said many more cruel things and instead of losing my temper told her I loved her and had to go.
It’s interesting to see her turn it around when the cna or nurses come in but treats me horribly.
My question is, is that the best way to handle it? I want to see her and let her know I am there but it’s very difficult to take the abuse.
I also provide care for her when she is home (afternoons and weekends). She can be cruel then as well and I have had to make sure she is secure and then leave as soon as possible
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that she’s being so unpleasant to you. That must be painful, especially when you are making all these efforts to support her.
One book that might be helpful is “Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed-Out Children,” by Grace Lebow & Barbara Kane. I just read it and thought it was very good. They have a lot of important advice on how to set healthy limits and how to support a parent who is behaving in the way you describe.
Basically the approach is to validate her emotions when you can (you can usually do this without explicitly agreeing with whatever terrible thing she is saying), try to give her some of what she needs (probably it’s to know you care, even though she may not show appreciation), avoid arguing/reasoning with her, and then take care of yourself by setting limits, learning to think about her behavior differently, and making sure you get enough support.
All easier said than done, but the book will help you get started. Otherwise, if this situation remains stressful for you, consider looking for a therapist or geriatric care manager who can counsel you. Your health and well-being are important. Good luck and take care!
my mother is 61, she lives in Iran, she lives away from all her 4 children, my father left her. she lives in an apartment that I manage for her, she lives with her youngest brother, 55,single and never married. him and a housekeeper lady that I hired are giving care to her. she is sick, far as I recall she has always have been depressed and she cried, and she went to doctors, took peels and over and over, the most heavy peels for depression, she was hospitalized many times, she was given ECT at least two times in the past 3 years. it has been a year she rarely moves and if she does she loses her balance and falls, and she cant control her urinary so she has to wear diapers and I just found out that she is diagnosed with Parkinson. she is in a very bad shape and I dont know how I can help to improve this situation and give her more comfort. what bothers me the most is that she cant decide, ( then I think to myself of course she could not decide with all her problems then I am not sure again… I have never been that weak, ) and I cant decide for her because of my own many weakness, I am not very stable financially and she is very poor physically and mentally plus I just got married and my wife came to US 15 months ago.
I wouldn’t have all my brother’s support if I initiated her move to US, they probably would say no at the beginning but I know my younger brothers will support as of her arrival. my oldest brother has problems himself.
she cries and she cries, missing her children, she is in a big mess and she needs help. I feel very bad every time I hear her voice and I’d like to hear of your opinion on what to do is best, or whats the best I can do. thank you
Sorry to hear of your mother’s difficult situation. I don’t know much about what kind of medical care and social services she would be able to get, if you were to find a way to help her legally move here.
But I will say that if she’s been unhappy and depressive her whole life, it’s probably not realistic to expect that anything you do will make her “happy.” This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to help her and even people who complain and chronically act very unhappy do benefit from being in contact with family and feeling that their family cares about them.
It also sounds like she has significant chronic health problems and these would likely persist if she moved here.
It’s impossible for me to offer an opinion on what you should do, I would just say that someone like her seems likely to continue to have many of the same complaints and problems if you move her, plus you say you aren’t stable financially so you might find it hard to address her care needs in this country.
You might find it helpful to read the book “Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent“, you can probably get it from your local library. The authors have good advice on setting realistic expectations for what you can make better, when it comes to an older parent. Good luck!
My mother is 71 years Old, she lost her sight 7 years ago causing of Glaucoma, I have seen her high temper, complaining and suspicious and she can not trust anyone of her family but she might trust with her friends and neighbors, I am taking care of her and I can’t handle with such behavior .
My question is how to deal with her, I want keep continuing of caring her.
We are in Somalia
Sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mother. If her suspiciousness is new compared to a few years ago and if it’s getting worse, then I would recommend having her see a doctor so that she can be checked for medical problems that cause paranoia. You can learn more about those here:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.
Otherwise, just keep in mind that it is generally not possible to reason an older person out of their suspicious thoughts. If she is more willing to accept help from friends, you can try to provide more care through them (if possible).
It is of course very difficult and stressful to have a parent behaving in this way. I would recommend finding a support group. If her memory and thinking is getting worse and you have reason to believe it might be dementia (or if she is diagnosed with this condition), I would recommend reading a book or taking a course, so that you can learn better ways to cope with these challenging behaviors. Surviving Alzheimer’s is a book I recommend, since it has lots of practical suggestions to help with these kinds of situations.
Good luck!
Hi My mother is 75 and lives on her own. She is a very complicated person because she functions really well (takes good care of herself and her house, pets etc). She has been paranoid somewhat since I was a child but it is getting worse. It’s not enough though to have her evaluated and treated (she then just would deny everything and she seems okay when you first talk to her). She says things that are toxic and scary. Calls my husband and I sheep for not believing all the school shootings are fake, thinks certain people are demonic, says her neighbor beams into her house and steals things. It seems like slight dementia with narcissism laced into it. She lives out of state and I am afraid to have her visit and be around my kids alone because she says very scary things to them about radiation poisoning, people being satanists etc. However, I want a relationship but she is negative, stubborn, manipulative and honestly partially crazy. I saw that it’s not good to tell a “crazy” person that they are crazy…but when she is saying off the wall–hurtful things about our friends or other relatives–I feel like in this case, she is the exception. It’s like I still need to have boundaries regardless of her mental health condition…Any thoughts of how to handle this relationship? Like I said, she has tricked other doctors before and refuses to take any medicine. I have played the diplomat many times but my mother is a total narcissist and will actually try to ruin what she can of my happiness. Every vacation I have ever tried to go on, she has either said, I would die, the kids would die or she didn’t like the person I was going with. Help! I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with a toxic, aging, paranoid mother! Do I just hold my boundaries and let her say all these crazy, awful things (shouldn’t I be able to stand up to her?) and at what point do we need to step in and get care for my mom? How bad off does she need to be?
Yikes, this sounds rough.
I would say that yes, it is reasonable to hold boundaries. And often, this means MINIMIZING situations in which she can say crazy awful things to you.
Generally, it’s possible to provide some help and support to an older parent in need while reducing one’s exposure to hurtful speech and behavior, it just takes some work and planning. And of course, limit-setting.
The book Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent has good advice on how to do this. That book also addresses how to resign yourself to not having the relationship that you’d like to have with your parent (because, it’s often just not possible).
If she says things that frighten or distress your children, then it’s probably worth limiting her contact with them.
In terms of what might be going on with her, if she’s always been difficult or paranoid, then common forms of brain change (such as delirium, medication side-effects, possible early dementia, etc) might make her worse, as you describe. A weakened brain has even less filters and self-control than before.
If she hasn’t been medically evaluated then that would be the next step, if you can manage it. Otherwise, it’s difficult to help someone who is impaired but resistant…it sometimes requires either getting legal help or waiting for a full blown crisis. Adult protective services sometimes steps in, but usually not until things have gotten really really bad.
Good luck!
Hi Leslie. First, thank you for the insight and help on this page in answering all these questions, very helpful and very kind. It’s difficult looking after an elderly parent. Here’s my situation which does ring similar to that of others. My mother is 83, widowed, and lives on her own. About 3 years ago, I moved her closer to me so I could be there for her if needed. She’s always been active and likes to get out of the house, but she doesn’t drive and doesn’t have the opportunity to get out as much because stores are not at walking distance. So, I’m her taxi or perhaps Uber, as today’s kids are using. To my point, ma thinks someone keeps doing things at night like knocking on her bedroom window at 3am, when she hears a sound (like the house settling) it must mean someone is throwing rocks at the house, shining a light into her window in the morning hours, she’s said she’s seen creatures in the dark, is paranoid her neighbor’s kids are harassing her and doing things to her house. She also misplaces things. And when she can’t find it, it must mean someone has broken into the house. She finds the most minute detail as a problem, a twig broken on her rose bush must mean someone came by and broke it or cut it. It’s come to the point where I have installed a wireless camera I can monitor 24×7. After being there about a year, I’ve not seen 1 instance of someone messing around her house. I believe it’s also important to note that she has behaved similarly where she used to live as well. And as far as I can remember. Otherwise, she’s very independent, lives with her 2 dogs and gets along very well. But she’s very good at finding the negative in everything. Keep in mind, she’s had a traumatic life and childhood, is a victim of WW2 where she experienced actual breaking in and negativity as a child refuge. So, in my mind, I often wonder if she has some sort of PTSD that has rolled over into her adulthood. I appreciate your insight.
Sorry to hear of your mother’s worries. You say she was like this where she was before, but it’s a little unclear to me whether this is an issue that has been getting worse over the past few years or not.
It IS quite common for older adults to develop new fears and suspicions, and this is often — but not always — associated with underlying changes to the brain. Some of what the brain does is manage and monitor our anxieties, so I think it’s plausible that as the brain weakens, any underlying fears related to prior life traumas could surface more easily.
I’m afraid I don’t have any suggestions beyond what is in the article: consider cognitive evaluation, reassure and avoid arguing, etc. The article on 6 causes of paranoia goes into possible causes in more depth. Good luck!
This article/thread ive found to give me a sense that im not alone. My father who is almost 81 has struggled with a malady of health issues most of his life since starting with chrohn’s disease in 1953 having a good portion of large and small bowel removed. Was forced to be strapped to a bed for 2 weeks withdrawing from morphine after resection and healing from the inside out for the most part. No visitors were allowed not even his parents. He wakes up screaming all the time from this (PTSD). Doctors thought hed never make. Sent him home thinking theyd never see him again. He has had numerous health problems but somehow has managed to survive. Recent years has brought him a colostomy bag and dialsys. Eyesight diminishing. Neuropathy in the feet. Numerous surgeries. Thats his back story to be very brief.
Lately he has become very moody off and on. One day he can be pretty care free (for him) to saying my mother, his wife of 56 years (pediatric nurse in 50s 60s 70s) shes sabatoging things at him. That shes nagging him to take his medication or complaining. Purposely giving him wrong phone numbers. Little things to normal people, ie misunderstandings and such Are End of the world stuff too him. Now i can say my mother is the most loving caring person on the planet. She makes all his meals, takes care of him manages his medication and dr appointments with help from mysel and 3 sibblings. She assists me with his colostomy bag changes 3-4 times a week. My mother at 85 has always been a strong loving supporting women.
When i converse with my father when he gets in these moods. Its like hes describing WW3. I try and point out the loving relationship they have. That im envious that ill never find love that my mother and they share together. That what he sees as almost malicious behavior in her asking if hes taken meds (several meds 3-4 times daily) is her making sure he has what he needs daily. Ive tried to empathize with him when his moods strike. Ive tried rationalizing with him. Tried pointing out that little things (i acknowledge are big to him in the moment) should be taken in stride. Next day or so hes fine in a great mood. Professing his love for my mother. Credits her for the reason hes still alive today when doctors thought there was no shot at him living many times.
Im scared for him. Seeing him in these anger fits are becoming more threatening or violent towards himself. I cherish the days when he is all there even though they are riddled with chronic pain. The days when hes not really starting to rock me. He is/was the most efficient, anal, thorough and loving man/father ive ever come across. Watching him in these swings breaks my heart to the core and is starting to make me worry about my mother if he escalates.
Guess i need to consult his doctor about a geriatric psych consult.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank you for reading/listeningg.
This does sound very difficult, sorry you are in this situation.
First off, you are doing a lot of things well but I would recommend you NOT rationalize or encourage him to take things in stride. It basically never works and can make things worse. Just empathize and do things that foster connection or otherwise help your father feel understood and heard.
Otherwise, it sounds like he needs a cognitive evaluation. I have just recently published an article on what this should entail: Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.
Last but not least, I highly recommend you find yourself a support group. Online groups are often convenient, or you can find one in person. You are not alone and more importantly, you need the support of others to help you cope with the sorrow, grief, and frustration that often comes up when one is helping aging parents. Good luck!
Hello Dr. Kernisan-
My Mom is 85 years old. She has many physical challenges as she developed generalized peripheral neuropathy. She takes a lot of medication and lives in a senior residence and has a lot of help coming and going in her home. She moved 1,000 miles away from here about 5 years ago (her choice). I am not in a personal or economic position to run interference in her life at all. The most I can do is listen, make suggestions, offer moral support, etc.
It is a huge challenge for her. Now, while conversing with her, she says many inaccurate and hurtful things to me. I am pretty sure she does not do this on purpose, but it hurts nevertheless.
This article is very helpful. I realize my “not perfect” communication with my mother is getting worse, not better. She says the most hurtful things and it is difficult to ignore them. I do not want to abandon my suffering mother, but I cannot bear some of the remarks she makes. I am single and have a difficult enough time keeping my own life together. I feel I can do just so much to empathize.
You know – I feel like “she’ll be fine and I’ll be a wreck”.
It is hard to keep emotional distance as she is alone and really struggling. I have found on a few recent occasions I have forgone weekend social plans to chat with her on the phone. She is most lonely on the weekends and becomes moody and depressed.
I have tried to add a light touch to this but most recently she said “well you’re alone because you are a career woman”. It is the most hurtful thing she has said to date – as if I am alone and lonely – and I choose to be that way. That is simply not the case.
First off, I still hope to find a nice man. I had always hoped to marry and just because I have worked since age 15 out of necessity doesn’t mean I would not be a good candidate for marriage. That is simply ridiculous. I am not an heiress and would be sleeping in the street if I didn’t work. Furthermore, not everyone is lucky enough to find a great partner for a lifelong marriage. And there are loads of very successful marriages of women with and without careers. I don’t see where that would make a difference.
I get the feeling she thinks since I am not married I can spend each Saturday night talking with her – “keeping her company” – as it were because I have no other “commitments”. In fact, I do. I am committed to taking care of myself because if I don’t, no one else will.
This is not really healthy for me. I need to be out socializing, not “phonesitting” my old mom. When I try to have a chat during the week she is always busy. Saturday is a night I would normally prefer to be out socializing, like all the rest of the single working people around here.
Does this sound extraordinarily selfish on my part? I just can’t do it anymore. She’s had 2 marriages, 6 children, 5 grandchildren. I feel she thinks I never wanted a husband or a family of my own, which is inaccurate. I think that is just her way of trying getting more empathy (she needs it) from me. I am running out of gas for this. I feel like I have been lassoed into this a number of times, so it is a “developing pattern” I wish to break.
My next move is to simply not call on weekends. She has a litany of complaints – and they are real. But I cannot sacrifice my own personal well being to be her “date” Saturday nights. That is the one night she is truly lonely and moody. She has a helper come in every other night of the week (prepare her dinner, help with household chores, bathing, dressing, etc.) EXCEPT Saturday. I cannot exactly understand why this is the case. It seems she wants a “night off” from having a helper in, but then she is extremely lonely. I know she is my mother and am flattered that she finds it diverting to speak with me, but I cannot “date” my mother each Saturday night.
I am going to strongly urge her to get a helper to come in on Saturday night. I have a younger sister who is more flush with cash who has been very helpful to my mom. I am planning to suggest to my mother that she gets someone in to help her on Saturday nights, even if it means “switching” with another night. I sort of understand that she wants a “night off” from helpers coming and going, but I believe it creates a void for her and she never seems to ever have any social plans for Saturday evenings. So it is the night she has time to let it all hang out – on me. I feel like I am going down with that ship.
Any suggestions? Please email me if you can.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for sharing your story. Your mother may need help, but that doesn’t mean you can’t set some reasonable boundaries. My suggestions are:
– Read Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A guide for stressed out children. It offers a lot of insight into this kind of dynamic, and helpful suggestions as well. It will help you figure out what kinds of boundaries to set.
– Join a support group for people with aging parents. Plenty of people are struggling to balance helping a needy parent with resonable limits. You will get ideas and moral support from a group. The online caregiver forum at AgingCare.com is pretty active.
– Keep working with your sister to figure out what your mother truly needs vs what she wants, and how the two of you can help her.
Of course at age 85 it’s possible that her brain is also changing. If you’ve noticed other changes that make you concerned about her memory or thinking, then you and your sister will have to figure out how you can help her get evaluated.
Good luck!
Hello Dr. Leslie, I was browsing through with help identifying dementia and came across this. You seem to know your stuff so I’d figure it wouldn’t hurt to get a professional opinion on this..
I have a boyfriend, needless to say times have been tough on everyone but hardest on him the most, he lost his mother a year or so ago and his dad, about 74 years old was all by himself. He’s made some questionable decisions, like buying non-working over priced cars, and even funding some stranger he met online (a scammer girl of course). So we thought it was best to move in with him, he seemed out of sorts. The house was in a horrible state, the kitchen was FILLED with mouse excrements and dead insects, filthy dishes, food all over the carpet. I felt bad for him, I really did.
We cleaned up the place as best as we could, did as he asked, no problems besides a few skirmishes over silly things. No biggie. But then came the passive aggressive tendencies, the “it’s my house!” and toddler tantrums, (allow me to say I do more than give the man privacy, I litterally lock myself in my room and stay out of sight, no volume on the tv) leaving his dentures in the dirty sink, putting dishes on the ground, getting upset because I “clean too much” or when I back off “don’t clean at all”, leaving the stove pilot on and just leaving the house, just recently his car was stolen into (because he left it unlocked like every door in the house) and his things were stolen and he’s acted as if WE’RE the culprits, not to mention asking me to clean his fridge (which I said “No problemo”) only to get mad at me after scrubbing the whole thing just because I threw away a empty crumb filled bag and said it had ‘sentimental value’. His son was using the bathroom and his dad never knocked on the door or anything, saw the lights on, walked to the kitchen, grabbed a cup (a good china cup from his own family!!!) and used it as the toilet, his son SAW him doing this, but when confronted he denied it and said he’s lying. That’s not something he would ever lie about or want to. He’s very rude and awful when talking about us to others, the whole family wants a bounty on our heads for every ‘horrible’ thing we’ve done to him. I don’t even want to know what he did to the mouth wash to give it those black gunks inside the lid (only three people in the house, we bought it too and he as per usual said “didn’ do it”) I don’t even leave the room to clean or eat anymore…
It’s taken it’s toll on his son, he’s beyond depressed and feels like his dad does it just to spite him, and that he’s not his father anymore. I told him maybe he’s just losing it at his age, he doesn’t mean it. but I don’t know anymore, I don’t like that with what little we have we try and his dad just doesn’t care or seem to understand, he thinks we’re being mean towards him. But we’re just trying to understand why and how to deal with this, we don’t think he should be left alone (especially after the fact he tried to commit suicide) but its hard when he obviously wants us out of “his” house, the house where his son grew up in. Recently he resorted to physically attacking his son, arms raised and swatting and hitting his son, when we asked why he was acting the way he was. He even hit my shoulder and shoved me but did it with a smile like he was ‘kidding around’. The man is also a pill popper and has been even when his son was little, and acts very aggressively if he doesn’t find his pills RIGHT AWAY.
I don’t know who to specifically talk to about this, how to get him the therapy or treatment he needs, because his family being there for him isn’t enough, it just enrages him more. I have no income, lost my job, boyfriend lost his job, and we’ve applied everywhere, my boyfriend told me to stay home and litterally guard all our things from his own dad. What can a no income bum like me do to get this man the help he DESPERATELY needs? Before I end up snapping ???
Thanks for listening!
This is a difficult situation but unfortunately not uncommon.
It does sound like you’re seeing some concerning changes, ideally your boyfriend’s father would get a medical evaluation and also probably a social work evaluation. However sounds like he’s reluctant to get help or an evaluation. Coaxing people into getting help is sometimes possible but usually requires a lot of time, patience, and also special communications skills…almost not feasible for most normal people, especially if they have their own jobs or life stressors on their plate, which most people do.
There is really no easy answer. If you are concerned about your safety or his (e.g. that he might try to hurt himself), you should consider calling 911. If you think your boyfriend’s father really can’t manage his affairs, you could consider calling Adult Protective Services. They might have advice on how you can help him, although if you are living in the home and helping to tend to his most essential needs, I think they are unlikely to take substantial action. You can also try notifying the older person’s doctor about his symptoms and problems, if he has a usual doctor.
Otherwise, you and your boyfriend will have to think about what kinds of limits and boundaries you want to set. You can’t really control what this older man does or what ultimately happens to him. You can try to do a helpful thing and if he refuses to accept the help, you’ll have to decide whether to keep trying or not. You don’t have to let his needs and situation take over your life, although if you choose to remain in his home, it’s quite possible that this will continue to aggravate him and also that the situation will remain very stressful. Good luck!
The suggestion to get a doctor diagnosis is a good one, mom refuses to go to the doctor. I’ve tried everything. I’m sure she has an UTI, won’t even do a sample at home for me to take to the lab. She can’t find words, thinks people are breaking into her house (moving her furniture and stealing items), insists there are many children and adults running around her house (no one is at the house), neighbors have called to let me know mom was out walking/knocking at their door at 4:30 in the morning, has trouble remembering how to spell her name, can’t take care of her bills, the list goes on. She refuses to move out of her house. Thank god she finally gave up her car. I’ve called agencies as well as her attorney, have been told until she ends up in the hospital or something bad happens there is nothing I can do. I have taken her picture with my phone number to the police in case she’s out wandering and can’t find her way home. I’m at my wits end, I live 3 hours away, am her only living child, she calls scared and confused. Any advice?
Ah. Yes, this kind of situation does happen.
Well, if she has been like this for a while (e.g. weeks or months), then it’s unlikely that it’s due to a UTI. (This is not to say that she wouldn’t have a positive urine culture btw; for more see here: UTIs and Urine Bacteria in Aging: How to get the right diagnosis & avoid unneeded antibiotics.
What you describe does sound like late-life psychosis symptoms, and if those are chronic, they are often — although not always — due to a dementia such as Alzheimer’s or Lewy-Body dementia.
Unfortunately, there is no “here’s the action to take” formula that works reliably. You can call Adult Protective Services, what they do is varies on the office, the assigned case worker, and the specifics of the situation. You can try hiring a professional geriatric care manager to help coax your mother into accepting some form of help; they do have experience with resistant and impaired older adults. You can consider petitioning for guardianship; be sure to have collected lots of documentation on her impairments.
Sometimes the police is called to see an impaired older person (sometimes the older person calls, due to the “intruders” in the house”), and they will take the older person to the hospital if they think the person is very cognitively impaired, or otherwise obviously unsafe. Again, different police groups (and individuals) handle things differently.
This is obviously very stressful. I would recommend joining an online support group. The caregiver group at AgingCare.com is very active, many of them have been through similar situations. Good luck!
I’m 76. I’ve always been a sort of casual person. My house isn’t perfect but those kinds of things aren’t important to me so much. I’ve always had an inward life. I’m a philosophy major and tend toward the spiritual side of life. Although not overtly. My son recently moved closer to me and he is someone who is nervous almost constantly about how his apartment looks and how things are arranged and esp gets upset if I don’t follow his advice. He even went to the social worker in the hospital where he works and painted me as demented. I do resent that. I used to live this quiet, peaceful life in a small coastal town in Maine. Now I’m always worrying about I have to do this; I have to do that. All from my son. He pounded on me until I finally went to his doctor. Now I’m caught up in the drug cycle. My kidney was harmed by the drugs he prescribed. I figure if I’ve lived this long, then I don’t mind dying in a few years. Perfectly natural. My choice.
but he hleps me by shopping for me and around the house. I would hate to lose that. But, I may have to remove him from my life so I can feel peaceful again. I wish he would leave me alone and stop bullying me. I try, but it’s not good enough.
Thanks for sharing this comment and your story. It’s a good counterpoint to all the comments from concerned adult children!
Sounds like your son is concerned about you but perhaps not yet tuned into what’s most important to you. Also sounds like he’s innately more high-strung than you are.
You probably have already tried talking with him about the situation. I would recommend that you keep working on the communication between the two of you. A good book that can help is “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most“; you can probably get it from your public library.
Another option would be to schedule a few sessions to talk to your son in the presence of a family therapist or a mediator. Having a trained professional can help families get past the usual stuck spots that come up when express frustrations with another person.
I do think he needs to respect your wishes and he should try to better understand what’s important to you. And, I would caution you against removing him from your life. Most older adults do benefit from some help and support from family; if not now, you may benefit from his help in the future. So unless he’s a complete maniac and basketcase, I think it’s better to try to come to a better mutual understanding, even if it takes some work and perhaps some sessions with a professional. Good luck!
Dear Dr. Kernisan,
I really apologize for hiding my name.
My wife and I are in our late 50’s. Of the four parents, only my wife’s father is still with us. He turned 90 around the new year, lives independently (renting), still drives a car, is in a reasonably good health.
The downside is that he is 90, and his mental state and common sense are not what they were. He is spending his life’s savings irrationally. He has three or four credit cards, supposedly for different purchase categories. In practice, what may have been a good logical approach once, is no longer.
My wife and I have accepted the fact that he may be wasting some of his money which are his after all. We just did not realized to what extent. Seeing recently the December statements from two VISAs made me choke. There is a total of $430 for some food supplements, “health and wellness” junk — on one card. The charges for similar products on the other card are “only” $182. As you may guess, it’s the tip of the iceberg.
Is there anything that can be done to remedy the situation, i.e. stop him from this insanity? He thinks (of course!) that he is ok. When my wife tries to question the rationale of some of his actions, he may listen – and then forget the next day , or he may become angry and argumentative, and stop talking and sharing the information.
If the situation warrants your interest, I will be happy to provide more information.
Thank you!
Completely fine to hide your name. I’m sorry to hear of your dilemma; it’s not an uncommon situation but that doesn’t make it easy. I make some suggestions on how you can try to intervene in these two articles:
Financial Exploitation in Aging: What to Know & What to Do
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
The short answer to your question is that it is rarely possible to persuade or talk someone out of this. It is very common for people of his age to have limited insight into the problems and risks. He needs further evaluation and he may need you to take steps to assist him. Neither of those is easy to achieve.
I am actually considering writing a short ebook with more step by step guidance on what know and to try, because I get a lot of similar questions and the answer is beyond the scope of a comment response or even a single article on the site.
Good luck!
My mom is 75 years old. The past year She has been getting upset with my dad for Little things that don’t seem to make sense. They sit and watch TV and he plays games on his Ipad. He doesn’t hear well. She gets upset that he plays his games and ignores her when she tries to talk to him. She ends up not talking to him for days. He tries to talk to her and then won’t speak. She won’t Listen to anything or suggestions from me. She is stubborn and thinks it is all my dad. I don’t know what is going on with her. I know she hates technology and refuses to use or learn anything new. I think she gets mad that my dad does have an interest in this stuff. Her behavior is just so odd and is happening all the time that I’m wondering if there Is something going on with her. And/or how do I approach her. Any help or suggestions would be so much appreciated.
Thank-you,
Kerry
Are you subscribed to our email list? I will soon be announcing a free webinar that will cover how to approach this kind of situation, including how to know if something “more” is going on with your older parent. I created this webinar because I get asked about situations like yours quite a lot, and I want to share more advice than is possible within a single comment response.
I do think you’re on the right track to be asking yourself these questions!
My 65 year old mother says one thing and completely denies saying it. She’s so stubborn and swears she didn’t say certain things. It drives me crazy because I actually believed her when she’s says I must be the one forgetting or misheard her. I started to question my insanity and my memory. Until my dad witnessed how she says things and denies she said it. She gets extremely upset when we tell her about her doing that and thinks my dad and I are making it up to make her look bad. Should I be concerned?
If this is new behavior or getting worse, then yes, I would say this sounds like cause for concern. It sounds like either she’s forgetting things or perhaps she believes things that aren’t true. Either warrants further medical evaluation. I have more on potential causes and what to do here:
Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check
Hi Leslie,
My 74yo Mom has always been sedentary, but she was diagnosed about 4 years ago with partially-functioning pancreas. She gets regular treatment and checkups for that, but she is obsessed with her health. She visits doctors at least twice a week. She is convinced she is going to get cancer and is terrified of dying. No reassurance from any of the scans, MRIs, ultrasounds or doctors visits can comfort her. She is upbeat the day of talking to a doctor, but then the debilitating worry creeps back in. She focuses on nothing else and is really becoming a zombie to the television. Her quality of life is really sad.
She is healthy enough physically to be active; she chooses not to. My father is old-fashioned and thinks she is choosing this. He is at his wits’ end with her and his quality of life is suffering as a result. She is already on anti-anxiety medications, but they seems to have little effect. My sister and I are on the cusp of having an “intervention” with her because of her manic worry over her health. Do you know where we can turn?
Sorry to hear of your mother’s worries. It sounds like you are concerned and frustrated by what you see as the choices she’s making regarding her health (and maybe also her worrying).
I would recommend listening to this recent podcast episode with Barbara Kane, who specializes in helping adult children and aging parents:
087- Interview: Coping with Difficult Older Parents.
She has some good advice on how it’s often necessary to accept a parent’s feelings or choices, even when we don’t like them. There is also advice (if not in the podcast, then in the book) on how to know when it’s more urgent to attempt to “intervene.” (And even then, what you can achieve with an intervention is often limited.)
Good luck!
While having a 3 way video call with my 79 year old mother and my brother, my mother became disoriented and thought I was seatting at her house. She started calling out my name and telling my brother that I was seating in from of her but had disappear (my mother and I live in the same town). During this time I kept saying… MUM I’M HERE ON THE VIDEO CALL but it was like she couldn’t see me because she had her eyes around her living room. About a minute later or so, she realized I was on the video call and not at her house.
After we finished the video call my mother called me on the phone and she said that she got confused thinking that I was actually seating in front of her and that she felt when everything came back to normal and realized that I was part of the video call.
should I be concerned about what she experienced?
Thank you so much!
Well, in general, if you notice a concerning incident, a reasonable next step is to see whether other concerning things have happened or are happening. If you do notice other signs that might be worrisome, then it might make sense to consider further evaluation. I describe what would be involved here:
Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check. Good luck!
My brother and I had to finally make a decision to place Mom in a nursing home 3 months ago.She’s had 5 breaks (one requiring 5 hour surgery) …Last year she fractured her back due to Osteoporosis and trying to do too much…always a doer. 2 years ago I noticed something(at first subtle) going on with her memory . But memory issues worsened and she was diagnosed with dementia.Sadly certain meds can increase the chance of having dementia which I believe happened here.It is so sad because one minute she’s still Mom(still cares for herself physically) then the next she’s angry, paranoid and delusional.
Now she’s starting to put things we say into bizarre stories. I just try to tell myself it is the disease yelling at me and not my Mom.
I must say the place Mom is living in is pretty,clean and the staff are caring and kind…Mom refused any help to keep her at home and we couldn’t in good conscious keep her there alone…I was afraid she would fall or be taken advantage of. No matter-children will always feel a sense of guilt but we realized we couldn’t keep her with us because she no longer understand logical reasoning and would probably end up in the hospital within a month. Take deep breathes, cry alone-it helps and talk to others experiencing the same. PS Learn about putting your parents on MEdicaid and get Power of Attorney .
You have to protect your parents and yourselves.
Thanks for sharing your story and this excellent advice.
My almost 87 yr old mother is causing us concern. She and my 93 yr old father were in assisted living, where he ended up having a stroke.
He is now in a rehab center at the same facility where my mom continues to live in assisted living. For sevearl months now she keeps talking about not knowing where the baby is. She says he was right here with his balnket but they took him somewhere and she can’t find him. We assumed she was referring to my dad, but she was doing this before he had the stroke and moved to another wing.
The baby is “Anthony” which is the name of my dad and one of my brothers. We have explained that there are only 2 Anthony’s but she says, “no, I know that dad is Anthony and and that the other Anthony is grown and lives in TN, (which is true), but I’m talking about little Anthony”.
She even called my aunt to ask her who is taking care of the babay because when she does, he always cries.
She doesn’t really have confusion on anything else, only this one thing. Sure, she forgets to take care of things sometimes, but this is different. It’s always about little Anthony, as if her brain is taking her back in time, although while she is talking about it, she seems to know she is in the present day. This happens about twice a week on avaerage and seems to happen more if she has something stressful going on.
Is this true dementia?
Hm…it’s not that uncommon for an older adult to develop an odd belief or moments of confusion. If that’s the only thing that’s off about her memory and thinking, it can initially be a little tricky to figure out what’s going on, and whether it’s the very earliest symptom of something that will eventually be diagnosed as dementia. You might want to request an assessment as described here: Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check. This article covers the many medical issues that can make an older person’s thinking worse. Good luck!
I have a similar situation. I moved in with my 84 year old mother to take care of her after my father died. She has always been a very doubtful person but over the last 2 years she has become more and more paranoid. She has a very hard time trusting anybody now and often openly expresses it. When I ask her why she feels this way she angrily denies it and accuses me of being crazy. Her family has a history of Alzheimer’s disease with both her mother and her sister suffering from it before they passed away. It is very frustrating. I have tried for years to prove she can trust me but she doesn’t seem to notice. I am not sure what to do.
Sorry to hear of your situation; it’s not uncommon and it is indeed very stressful. I would give up on trying to “prove” anything to her, as this approach never works and tends to make the older person dig in more on their beliefs. What tends to be more helpful is supportive listening and connection. You don’t have to agree with all the crazy things she does; focus more on avoiding direct conflicts or arguments about it. You may want to have her medically evaluated, especially if you see other signs indicating problems with her memory or thinking. I would also recommend joining a support group if you can, as it can be very hard to live with a paranoid older person. good luck!
My Mom who’s 85 told me that she dropped a grape drink on the floor and when she went to clean it up the grape drink was gone. I told her I didn’t believe this happened. She got very aggravated at me because I didn’t believe her. She’s also having trouble with names family member names she can’t remember them, she does recognize faces but not names. She wants to remain living by herself and driving only to the grocery store and bank. She won’t hear of my sisters and I taking her car away, please any suggestions will be helpful.
Sorry to hear of your situation. I don’t know that I have anything to suggest beyond what I share in the article. If she’s having memory problems, she should be evaluated for this, so that she and your family can better understand what might be going on. Try to not argue with her and reduce your expectations of her being “reasonable”.
The related article on paranoia has additional suggestions on navigating this kind of situation. good luck!
Hi, my dad is 55 years now and he is always worried about his lost career and we had some debits so he will always worried about all these things. From past two days his throat suddenly infected he was unable to speak, he speak one word and he can’t tell the next word but he doesn’t have cold I am sure. So i was totally scared please help me . . What may be the reason for this problem
That does sound frightening , but I can’t give you any medical advice. This website is a place to learn more about aging and health, not a resource for sudden medical issues.
In terms of his chronic worries, if you think that he is becoming overly paranoid, this article may be helpful.
I have a a situation or trying to figure out how to deal with my husband’s mother has always been a little spacey in ways that aren’t normal you can go right up behind her in a 1995 F-250 diesel and she won’t hear it we honk she doesn’t hear it and we bump her gently to kind of get her out of her little world we yell at her we do whatever we can then she still in her space doubt Little World deal constantly doing is always done it. has no idea where she was in her son’s entire childhood. And she’s been acting more suspicious as of lately when somebody is stealing money she doesn’t want to do anything about it like go to the police or ported or nothing she takes forever to do anything until it’s way too late or she can’t do anything and then she complains that nothing got done and blames us for it and she refuses to do anything on the issue she’s having always wants her son to do it she never goes to a doctor to get checked she refuses it I have to call the hospital or 911 when she gets really sick due to the fact that she refuses to get scene I’ve had to do it three times now.. and because of the fact that the way her husband and her raised their son he never got a proper education they stopped his education at age 12 because they said he was going to die at age 13 so I mean there the data is suffering from dementia and he slowly declining and now she is swearing that she’s going to take all the money that she saved up and put away and what not and just moved to New York as soon as he dies knowing that with everything that she has done she made sure her son who is also disabled due to a broken back cannot support his family she is now starting to act more verbally violently she always trying to start some kind of violent argument in some way she’s always saying kill me somebody your or trying to get my husband so angry which is her son get so angry to where he wants to hit her but he doesn’t so cuz he doesn’t let her push him that far there are times he almost did but I got him to realize she’s doing this on purpose she just wants everyone to pity her she puts the blame on everyone else but herself and it’s getting worse as of March 6 2020.. I don’t know what to do… how she expects us to do everything for her call to have her home fix that she lets us live in her husband had gotten a VA loan to get two houses on one property we live in the big house cuz we have two kids they’re that pretty much landlords and she refuses to pay to have things fixed unless it starts to just fall apart and then she expects us to find all of the things but do not want certain people coming to her home to do it and expects us to have it done now she’s telling us to sell our vehicles to pay for the fixing up at the house which we can’t really do cuz we need to get a smaller vehicle that can lug all four of us around.. and we’re at our wits end on what to do with her we help with we tell her we’re here to help her whenever she needs it but she refuses it and then eyes are helping her and then says she has no help from anyone when she does and when we beg her to let us help her she says no I’ll do it myself and then when it doesn’t work she complains that nobody tries to help her when we do and then she denies that we’ve ever done anything we’re getting to the point to know where we might have to video record everything she says and does cuz it’s getting to that point to where now my daughter is afraid to go over there and spend the weekends over there with her because she’s her moods are irrational and moment-to-moment incoherent and sometimes she won’t even cook dinner because because she just doesn’t want to not because of Any physical issues she just doesn’t want to make dinner so when she decides not to make dinner no one informs us just a couple of weekends ago or not weekends ago just last weekend my bad our daughter told us grandma didn’t make no dinner and I’m really hungry mommy and I said why didn’t Grandma tell me that she wasn’t so I could feed you cuz we could have brought some stuff over I had made enough food for about 8:10 people I always do cuz I’m always helping them out as well trying to and she says that well I didn’t want to bug you and I said it’s not bugging my kid needs to eat so our daughter called us at 12 saying she was really hungry and grandma didn’t make any food whatsoever so and then the grandma didn’t want to talk about it we got very angry and got very angry with us because we ask her what the hell why didn’t you feed our daughter she was staying at your house for the night what the hell if you couldn’t handle it why didn’t you just call us and tell us and she said I don’t know why I got a headache and blames it on nothing she’s had a terminal headache for the daily the day her son was born which has been over 40 years. And she complains about it daily but refuses to get any medical treatment Emma fuses to go see any doctors when she’s even sick unless she is so dehydrated so incoherent and so sick I have to call nine-one-one which we’ve done several times as I stated earlier the thing is is that she is getting worse and we don’t know what else to do we don’t know what legal actions we can take because now she’s becoming not only a danger to herself but they’re her husband because she will not listen to reason we have no issues with his mother we’re more concerned and worried about her than anything because whatever befalls her will it affect us dramatically we haven’t done anything to deserve this.
Hi Sevilla. I didn’t follow all of the details in your comment but that sounds like a very frustrating situation. Check out Dr. K’s article about paranoia, and also consider downloading her tools for how to get a dementia assessment more quickly and easily. Good luck!
My issue is old father -whom I call arse- in 70s. Since 2002 when his mother passed, never treated us well deprive us of normal life. Extremely dominating and sarcastic to mum and me, but i refuse to be submissive. Social worker diagnosed as a severe form of OCD, like when he forgets where he misplaces junks he would vent on me. I hate him and cannot wait for him to quickly die!! Coz I don’t have financial means to move out. He has threatened me violently and irrationally.
All he cares about is hoarding useless junks, and biased towards brother. My mum and brother don’t support family counseling, just don’t think it’s a problem!! His constant fixing of electronics is madness and obsession, untidy and unsafe too
I used to want to be loved but i realise that will never happen, so what’s the use of such a ‘father’? when i even look at someone’s basically quiet and accomodating dad, it’s so ironic and unfair. So yea i hope karma will hit him, how dare he be Ocd when hes supposed to be a father?!
In short REALLy mad but refuse to allow intervention. this makes me not trust in men and dw to get married, my mother made a serious mistake. it sucks
Sounds like you’re having a hard time living with your father. You mention a change in behaviour since his mother passed away, and a diagnosis of OCD (I am assuming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Unresolved grief and untreated OCD could certainly cause behavioural symptoms like the ones you describe. It may be that the only thing you can do is seek counselling on your own to deal with the anger and resentment that such a situation could cause. Good luck.
There’s nothing you can do, stop making yourself crazy trying to rationalize with them or teach them.
I’ve watched so many people keep deluding themselves into thinking they can fix the situation.
The best solution, is to give them small amounts of cannabis in edibles.
It relaxes, makes them happy, helps with nausea, appetite and helps them sleep.
Keep banging your head against the wall and taking advice from “doctors”. The only thing they can do is sedate them.
Your comment reflects the frustration that can happen when an older parent is struggling and seems irrational! I think anyone who expects to “fix” a situation is going to be frustrated, but working with a health care professional is probably going to be part of the response, along with peer support and self education, like coming to a site like this one.
Cannabis edibles are hard to recommend because most have an imperfect quality control process, and the amount of active ingredient in them is not reliable.
The one problem I am having to face with my elderly parents, is their constant resist of the fact that they have grown old, with prevailing old age physical conditions. And they should stay away from doing stuff which tires them or might risk them a fall. If we keep on telling them they should not perform such activities, they behave like a child, either raising a tantrum, complaining that, we are not letting them live as they want, or they keep on repeating the activities. Sometimes as children we loose our cool and raise our voice while preventing them or trying to discipline them. This leads to a very tiring situation at home. Also it triggers negative emotions in parents, that their children do not love them or they seem to become a burden. What process do you suggest that can be followed?
It sounds like a difficult situation to be sure. It’s interesting that you mention the older parent acts like a child, and this would be a natural response to being treated like a child: scolded, nagged, disciplined and restricted.
There are definitely some approaches that are more likely to be successful than others, and Dr. Kernisan covers these all in detail in her Helping Older Parents course, which I highly recommend!
A good first step is to find out more about your parent’s goals and values. Maybe they are willing to accept the risk of a fall in order to continue doing an activity that is meaningful for them. Trying to respect as many of your parent’s choices as possible can help to find a compromise that you can all live with.
My mother (age 66) has had memory issues for about 5 years, and recently has had trouble with focus, judgement, etc.. But this past week, she’s started thinking that the realtor selling her house back east teleported her across the country, and then back to CA, several times. Is this a common thing? It’s more alarming to me than her other hallucinations, which were at least somewhat plausible.
Hi Matt, and I’m sorry to hear that you have concerns about your mom. That would be alarming to hear. I wonder if it is based on an experience with videoconferencing with the agent?
It is unusual for a person to have delusions like you describe, and it could be a sign of dementia, delirium, depression, or something else like a medication side effect. If I was hearing about this experience in my Geriatrics clinic, I would want to find out more about the person’s cognition and day to day function, as well as do a full medical review.
Having said that, I generally try not to offer antipsychotic medication for hallucinations or delusions unless they are disturbing and upsetting to the person experiencing them. Dr. Kernisan has a good article about how to manage responsive dementia behaviors without drugs – if the dementia diagnosis has been established.
My uncle is 102 years old, is being cared for some days by his daughter at her home and other days by a caregiver at his home. He gets very anxious at times even to getting angry, especially when she takes him to his home. He tries to control and very accusing, especially when it comes to money, like without saying it, he’s accusing her of stealing. What does my cousin do…she’s going crazy trying to deal with him.
You didn’t mention if your uncle is living with dementia, but I’ve treated many individuals with cognitive impairment who become accusatory and anxious as you describe. My advice, which I outline in this video, would be to avoid logic and arguing back, and to try to see things form the uncle’s point of view and provide distraction and reassurance when he becomes anxious.
Here’s another article that might be helpful.
My parents just moved in with us. My mother (70 YO) has always had anxiety but it got markedly worse in the last 3 months. My parents isolated themselves completely ever since March to keep themselves safe from Covid-19, and it has lead to their mental and physical decline.
For 5 months they did not meet anyone, got all their groceries delivered, and did not step out of their house. They even put the housekeeper on hold. My mother cleaned the entire house every day, cooked, and stressed daily, while fasting or ignoring her hunger pangs. And finally when someone in their condo complex tested positive for Covid, she started getting panic attacks. She is Type 2 diabetic and has controlled it beautifully ever since she was diagnosed 10 years ago. but now her numbers dip and spike a lot especially after a panic attack. Now that they are with us and I’m seeing the problem is far worse. She is completely consumed by anxiety. So much so, she can’t think straight anymore. She can’t make simple decisions like what to eat for breakfast. Sometimes when I call out to her she doesn’t hear me. First I thought she was loosing her hearing, but now I think she is just lost in her thoughts. She also has difficulty comprehending what I say sometimes. She has lost interest in everything. She doesn’t even watch her favorite shows anymore. She doesn’t have anything to talk about. If I ask her how she is feeling she will say she’s fine or just sit quietly and not say a word (which really frustrates me).
She has difficulty sleeping at night and when she does, she wakes up in the middle of the night due to hunger pangs and heart palpitations. Sometimes she is drenched in sweat. She has undergone numerous tests and everything shows up normal besides her blood sugar and blood pressure for which she is taking medication. It sounds like she is suffering from depression, or early Alzheimer’s, or both. She showed none of these signs a few months ago. How can she change so drastically in such a short time? How can I help her control her anxiety, and help her take control of her life again, take an interest in things again? And how can I keep myself sane while trying to help her, and not stress out?
It sounds like you’ve noticed a change in your mom, and I can understand being worried about depression or something else. It can be difficult to distinguish between depression or a major neurocognitive disorder, which I discuss in my video, here.
In a case like this, I would want to rule out other conditions, and be sure to check things like hearing, especially if an older parent’s attention has changed.
The stress, loss of routine and social isolation that the COVID pandemic has caused seems to be enhancing symptoms for many older adults with anxiety and depression. This unprecedented stressor could be enough to explain why these changes have come about, but I would encourage someone in your situation to continue to advocate for a thorough assessment and treatment for the anxiety. I often find that individuals with anxiety improve their cognitive performance when their anxiety symptoms are under good control.
In terms of staying sane, Dr. Kernisan also runs a special online Helping Older Parents Membership, a unique and affordable program she founded to answer questions and support people helping aging parents.
The membership provides ongoing guidance from her and her team of professional geriatric care managers, to help you more easily get through your journey helping your aging parents. It also includes access to her popular Helping Older Parents Course and live QA calls with her.
My aunt (80) started having hallucinations that my son was not eating well, was being mistreated and it was very worrying. Soon after she started believing that her family were going to leave her at the hospital to die and was begging everyone not to take her there. She insisted on staying in her bed for weeks and would only leave to go to the toilet, and even after convincing her to eat dinner in the dining room downstairs, she stood on the stairs crying about going to the hospital, even though she was reassured no one would take her there. My other family members had to travel to take care of her for weeks and then she latched on to them and would follow specifically my cousin around everywhere, begging for her not to leave. However my cousin has to leave to return to her country and she cries about it every second. Should my cousin extend her already one month stay if that will improve anything , or should she take my aunt with her, where she can take care of her, but we are unsure if it’s a good idea for her to travel, especially because she is still testing different medications the doctor gives her.
That sounds like a very difficult situation. I can’t give specific advice over the internet, but when I see individuals with a persistent fear or worry, I want to make sure that they aren’t depressed and/or having a delusion (a fixed, false belief, often a symptom of dementia).
When someone is having a delusion or severe anxiety about something, using logic and trying to accommodate the person’s fear by avoiding the trigger (like being abandoned) usually doesn’t work in the long term. An evaluation by a health professional is a good first step to trying to get a treatment plan going that may be more manageable than having a family member at a person’s side at all times.
I have a 95 year old father and 91 year old mother. They live in their own home unassisted. I am their daughter. I work full-time and provide assistance often and as I am able, which includes meal preparation and other household assistance. They refuse any help inside the home as they feel people will steal from them. They are verbally abusive and combative toward me. When I tell them that their behavior is unacceptable, they threaten to call the police to tell me to leave. They are not truthful about any medical issues that may arise. They still have control of their money, which continues to be very challenging to try and manage. My father has several health issues, including but not limited to a very large hernia, prostate issues and blindness. He is almost deaf as well. My mother has atrial fibrillation, which has been fine regarding management, but very recent challenges are arising from this medical state within the last few days.
Any advice regarding moving forward on a positive note in this very challenging situation would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Wow, you really have your hands full with helping your parents. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having to endure verbal abuse. That is not right, but unfortunately isn’t uncommon.
Dr. Kernisan has some resources, in addition to this website, that would be helpful for you. There’s a new book called “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help”. You can pre-order it here: https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/education-and-support/when-your-aging-parent-needs-help/ The book gives a step-by-step protocol for figuring out how to use your energy in the best way to help your parents. There’s more to it than I can explain in an answer here, but basically, it involves taking stock of the situation, taking aim at one thing at a time, and then taking reasonable action to see if you can make things better (it usually takes more than one try).
There’s also the Helping Older Parents Membership, and you can sign up for the waitlist here: https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/bhwa-education-and-support/helping-older-parents-membership-waitlist/. The membership provides ongoing guidance from Dr. Kernisan and her team of professional geriatric care managers, to help you more easily get through your journey helping your aging parents. It also includes access to her popular Helping Older Parents Course and live QA calls with her.
You’re not alone, and there is help available. I hope these resources are of use, and remember that you can’t do it all, and you need to look after yourself as well.
Hi, my Mom needs assistance at home. I have found a woman to care for her at day time. She met my Mom and told that she had two sons. It seemed all right and I was kind of calm and happy. But suddenly Mom started making up a story that THE woman will come to her falt with two terrible sons, eat everything and even kill her one day. I am stressed what to do, I probably made a mistake to show my Mom my anger about her wrong imaginations. It seems , no arguments can reach her. I have no other way but hire the woman or another person (any stranger will be wrong for my Mom, I see) to care for her. What I am going to do – to talk to the care person and explain her not to bother my Mom with friendly attemps and communication, just to care she gets food and medication. It is so so so sad.
That sounds like a difficult situation, Irena!
You don’t mention if your mother is living with dementia, but the behaviour that you describe is one that I see frequently in those with Alzheimer’s or another type of dementia, or with some personality or mental health issues. It sounds like a delusion and no amount of trying to reorient a person with a delusion will work, and usually just leads to an argument.
Sometimes a “fiblet” can work, a little therapeutic lie, such as: “The sons have moved away”, followed by a distraction to a pleasant activity can be effective.
If this behaviour continues with other caregivers, or escalates, I would recommend talking to a doctor for a complete evaluation and consideration of medication or another treatment plan.
My mother who is 74 has was just moved to a long-term care facility/nursing home about two weeks ago. She was previously living with my stepfather with daytime professional care but my stepfather could no longer continue to care for her. She is fairly far along in the stages of the disease (diagnosed several years ago), she is unable to do almost anything on her own (preparing food, getting dressed, showering, she can’t read anymore so she just wanders around) but she still recognizes who people are (she knows who I am), or at least recognizes who is familiar to her and who isn’t. As a result, she very much knows she’s in a strange place with people she doesn’t know. Even before the move she had issues of anxiety and paranoia that manifested itself as saying that specific people were “bad people” and doing “strange things” without being able to say why or what they had done, likely a response to not understanding what was going on around her. To “soothe” her anxieties (she had a rough first 48 hours there) the home has put her on 2.5mg of diazepam twice a day. Last week I had a phone call with her where she was noticeably “relaxed” and then in my most recent call with her today she did seem quite anxious saying that strange things were going on around her and that the women around her (the caretakers at the home) were – and I’m translating to English here since my mom and I speak another language together – bitches/tarts/cows. I assume they wanted to help her shower, which is a particularly difficult task, or something else she didn’t agree with, which is what earned them that label. I’ve been trying to push the home to start tapering off her diazepam since I had read that it’s not supposed to be given for more than 2-4 weeks and long-term use can cause confusion, anxiety, memory loss, etc., essentially all the things we’re trying to avoid, but I also don’t want her to be distressed all the time if she sees her new caretakers as strange and mean. I also don’t know what to say to her in phone when she keeps repeating commenting on her caretakers like this. Of course no logic or reasoning to convince her differently helps, if I try it would make her more anxious if she thinks I’m not hearing and understanding what she is saying (she’ll point out – “I know what I see, I’m not an idiot”). I try to tell her she’s safe and introduce other topics of conversation but when she has one idea in mind the conversation always go back to that same topic, in this case, these women are terrible and when are you coming to help? I can’t even go see her in person because of COVID, no in-person visitations yet until she’s vaccinated, she’s in Europe and they have been much slower vaccinating people so it could still be a few months, plus I don’t live nearby (I’m in the US). With all that in mind, I’m not sure what’s best for her, I’m not sure what to do or say to her to make her feel better.
That sounds so stressful, especially with your mom being far away.
It can take a long time to adjust to a new living arrangement, and if anxiety is severe and the goals are to reduce suffering, sedatives like diazepam might be used. We really try to avoid them in older adults though, as you can read in this article.
Usually, the best way to respond when someone is starting to have false beliefs (also called delusions) is to validate her worries and try to move on to another topic, as it sounds like you’re doing. Arguing is not usually helpful. You can try repeating back to her what she says, to show you have heard her, and let her know you empathize with her feelings.
Dr. Kernisan’s new book is for children who are helping aging parents, but many of the issues the book covers could be applied to helping other family members too. The book provides advice on how to communicate with someone who’s living with dementia and resisting help. The book includes advice for long distance caregivers like you as well.
I hope things settle soon.
Thank you so much for your response and for sharing these resources. I have started doing video calls instead of phone calls with her which has seemed to help so she has a visual she can look at along with my voice instead of looking at other people around her while we speak.
I am growing increasingly concerned about the medication use however. The doctor lowered her dosage of valium/diazepam from 2.5m twice a day to a half dose (1.75m) in the morning and regular 2.5m dose in the afternoon. The idea was to continue reducing but I’ve just found out that they will be be keeping her on that same dosage. I’m confused because everything I’m reading online including on your site is that it should not be used long term (it has now been 5 weeks, so over what I’ve read is the max of 2-4 weeks) and with side effects of increased confusion, memory loss, falls, even anxiety. The home’s reasoning is that it is “compassionate” to keep her on the medication to lower her anxiety, but it doesn’t seem appropriate if this medication shouldn’t be used long-term. They of course need to consider staff and other residence if her anxiety leads to outbursts that can cause harm to others, but from what they’ve told me there’s no sign of that so I’m confused at why there’s such a default towards the status quo rather than trying to lower the dosage. I read through some of the recommended questions on your site/linked resources, which I will use when I speak with the doctor tomorrow, but I guess what I’m missing is an understanding of whether and in what circumstances is it ok to continue valium for someone with Alzheimer’s since relaxation recommendations aren’t really open to her (talking to a therapist of how to deal with stress definitely won’t work since she won’t understand or remember what was discussed minutes later, meditation won’t help because she wouldn’t even be able to do it). What other options are there for her to manager her anxiety that might be less risky? In what situation would it be recommended to use longer-term if any? Is it common to continue giving this medication in similar circumstances? I’m trying to push them to reduce the dosage but I don’t seem to have a lot to stand on.
Hi I live in a shared house..this lady cooks a lot of food ..but then we all get the blame that we have eaten her food …sometimes we find it in the bin which she says ist her
She says money goes missing from her room ..she works but lies n says she dont ..she steal from the other housemates special if she likes something ..
She cooks her food late at night properly eats it then the next day we all get blamed for eating it or she has brought food but when she goes 2 cook it’s gone n again we all get the blame ..she last her son 15years ago in a shooting but she says it was 10yrs 5 years 3 years ago
That sounds like a really frustrating situation. It’s hard to know why this is happening, and you don’t mention the age of this lady. Delusions, or false, fixed beliefs can occur at any age, and can be part of a dementia or a depression. It could also be a deliberate action, but it’s hard to imagine what benefit someone would get out of it.
If you notice a worrisome change in someone’s behaviour, it might be worth mentioning to their family members or their doctor if you are able, so they can get an evaluation and help if it’s needed. Good luck!
Hello doctor, please help as soon as possible
My mother is 46. For past few days she keeps on telling that she’s going to die at a particular time and when that time passes she says now she’s immortal and would not die soon. But again after sometime tells that she’s going to die at particular time. She has been tested corona positive on 21st April 2021 doctors gave her medication and she’s fine now. She don’t have any other medical issues. Whenever someone talks about Corona disease she feels that they are talking about her death.
She even says that my father has contacted doctor and Astrologer and they have told the timing of her death. Whenever I talk to my friends on phone she says that it was doctor’s call. Many people tried confronting her that no one wants your death,she listens it and after some time repeats her saying that she will die at particular time.
I’m a Geriatrician so I usually see older people, so I don’t have much experience with younger folks.
In a situation like you’re describing, the worry is that the person is delusional, due to a major psychiatric illness like depression or mania, or is under the influence of some drug or toxic substance. When a person is having a delusion, it’s usually impossible to convince them that their belief is false.
In a case like this, getting immediate attention from a healthcare provider is necessary to determine the cause of this symptom and get treatment.
Hello and thank you for helping all of us. I hope you can help my family.
My mother is 79 years of age and lives with her husband (not my father) of 82. My brother in law mows their lawn and takes them to appointments. My two sisters and I have tried to help them and have told them to contact us when they need help; but they only call my brother in law. They tell him everything.
Recently my mother told my brother in law that she can’t leave her husband because she loves him. He was confused to say the least. A few days later BIL took mom’s husband to the hospital for scan to see if cancer had returned and Stepfather told BIL that he sees how he (BIL) looks at my mom and if he cannot stop he (SF) was going to have to fight him. My BIL is the kindest, most compassionate, and helpful person there is. He would help anyone, anytime. There is absolutely no way that he would do anything to our mother to show that he had romantic feelings toward her. The fact that my stepfather is backing my mother’s story is just crazy.
Needless to say, my sister is so mad that she cannot even talk to mom. My brother in law is so, so hurt over this and will no longer help them. They recently built a house with extra room for Mom & SF, because they knew they would need to have full time help.
I am at a loss as to what to do. I don’t know where to start doing what I should do to help this situation. I have not been able to see my mother much because I help care for my grandchildren and one of them is a transplant patient. During this time of Covid, we have had to be extremely careful and pretty much stay away from everyone. My mother & stepfather keeps going to church and shopping as if all is normal (with no masks), so I pretty much have to stay away from my mother. We have been at their house to drop things off, but I tell them we cannot go in.
Can anyone point me in a direction to start?
That sounds heartbreaking. You don’t mention that your mother has dementia, but it definitely sounds like there is some wrong impression, or maybe even a delusion. If the brother in law is a trigger for this hurtful feeling, it may be necessary for him to take a step back from caregiving while you get more evaluation of your mom.
In the meantime, validating your mom’s point of view (which is different from agreeing with her or arguing against her) is the approach to take. I made a video about one way to deal with what seems like a false belief from a parent: https://youtu.be/MAzG-HpsAvM
In Dr. K’s new book: “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: a geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more”, there is some very practical advice on how to approach conversations with siblings around an older parent’s care. I recommend checking it out, and you can find out more here.
I am concerned my mother has moved to a memory care facility but she kept her cell phone and she calls us with the craziest things she thinks is going on at the facility. I almost hate getting her calls but I promised her I would always be there for her and I meant it.Should I just get her a phone that only allows us to call in and ask her for her phone> I am just afraid she will call someone like the police or another facility. Dr Kernisan you probably know me from the online group.Dr. Kernisan has a written a really good book to help dealing with elder issues and her online work is great and the other geriatrician on this board has been awesome as well
My 85 yr old father is experiencing day and night hallucinations/delirium situations. Most are people are out to “get him” with stories of people doing this or that trying to change his military paperwork. cult type/political based delusions, and at night he hears people coming and going. Most of it is he believes his wife is having these people in and out all night. Drives us nuts with worry and perplexed as how to help him. If he will let us. Got him to dr, he even opened up, they did nothing for us. Couldn’t believe it. They did order CT scan of his brain. But all they said all was normal. Offered nothing else or referrals
Whenever I see a patient with new auditory hallucinations (“hearing things”), I suggest a hearing test to make sure they aren’t experiencing tinnitus or another hearing impairment related issue. I can see why a scan would be ordered as well, to make sure there isn’t something in the brain that would account for this new symptom.
My approach to delusions is to offer treatment if the hallucination or delusion is making the person very distressed, or if the person’s quality of life is compromised. But the medications we use for psychosis need to be used very cautiously in older adults, especially in those living with dementia (which you didn’t mention was the case here). Antipsychotic medications can help with the delusions and hallucinations, but can have side effects which include an increased risk of falls, sedation, confusion, and urinary retention.
I’m sorry that it sounds like you had a pretty unsatisfying experience with that medical appointment, and it sometimes takes more than one visit to emphasize how serious the symptoms are and how much it’s interfering with your parent’s life. Ageism can be a factor in this type of scenario, where a medical professional might think it’s typical for an older adult to get paranoid and delusional. My advice in such a situation would be to be persistent and not give up advocating for help for your parent.
Hi there, I’m currently taking care of my 78yr old grandmother and sadly after she’d undergone optical operation with both her eyes which had an immediate positive result. Later her right eye was implanted with a lens, which worked well, but when the same procedure was done on the left eye, she started experiencing headaches and also starts to lose clarity of vision in her both eyes. Sadly, she’s been unable to completely see besides lines in red on rare times.
She had been a worrier even before she had her eye operation, it’s been two years since the last time she recognized anyone by eye sight and I can tell that she haven’t moved on since then. I’m getting burned out due to her overwhelming demands that comes from overthinking and treating almost anything as a ‘Huge Problem’ (Example: When it starts to rain she will start getting my attention almost every single minute even after I’ve explained to her that we have no control over the rain to make it stop just as she keeps on pleading, I always tell her that rain is God’s blessing to his creations including us humans and that she won’t get wet or soaked whenever rain pours cause she’s inside her room in our house).
My fear is that she’ll start physically shaking due to her fear of what will happen if the rain will not stop soon! She’s hypertensive and once she starts having a panic attack and starts breathing rapidly her blood pressure will also rise and I’ve had to rush her to the E.R. several times in the past just cause she fears too much of things that she thought would get really bad really soon)
She’s also having sleepless nights besides the fact that she’s been taking antidepressants every time she goes to bed and also takes synthetic melatonin caps as prescribed by her Psychiatrist and even after taking both antidepressants and melatonin caps she’s still unable to sleep I’ve observed her closely starting an hour after she takes her antidepressants and melatonin cap up to daylight multiple times and I can’t believe that she’s able to keep thinking negatively she even told me to gather all her children at once! And I asked her why would we need to get all her children to meet her at 2am in the morning? And her reply Nearly got me to pass out! She simply said that ‘ I’m about to leave you all behind ‘ he wants me to go with him asap!!! But of course I pulled myself back together in order to bring her mental and emotional presence back to reality that took a couple of hours with the help of her only daughter that I immediately called after hearing she said that.. her only daughter resides and work in Canada while me and my grandma are from Philippines…
Any advice you can provide will be greatly appreciated..
That’s really disappointing that the eye surgery didn’t work out, and it sounds like the sensory deprivation is adding to anxiety and dependence for your grandmother. Visual impairment can also disrupt sleep patterns, related to missing out on visual cues of light and darkness to help tell what time of day it is.
If she’s under the care of a psychiatrist, then they likely know her entire medical and mental health history, and would’ve prescribed medication based on that information.
I’ve found that learning relaxation techniques can be very helpful for older adults with anxiety. Here’s an article that has some suggestions: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368. Trying out some of these strategies may help to de-escalate the anxiety before it leads to a full blown panic attack.
Distraction can work well too, like playing relaxing music to drown out the sounds of rain falling. I hope those suggestions are helpful and I wish you and your family the best.
My mom is 90 years old. She has always been a difficult woman-even in her younger years. I believe there is some narcissistic disorder going on for starters.
She had been in a SNF for a couple of years but is now home. That was my sister’s doing and she now regrets it. She should not be home but needs to be someplace where she had access to 24 hour care.
I’d like to know what you think of this behavior–
She has, on 2 different occasions now, tried to change her own diaper and has made an incredible disgusting mess. Her reasoning? “I can do it myself”.
She is no longer able to walk so is completely bedridden which is why she needs diapers.
In your opinion as a Geriatric Professional, does that type of behavior indicate anything to you? Could that be the result of some underlying dementia?
Often times it’s difficult to know because so much of her behavior is not new for her so don’t know if it’s medical or just personality.
I’d appreciate any advice you can offer–thank you!
It’s typical for someone living with Alzheimer’s disease to overestimate how well they can do something, a phenomenon called “anosagnosia” (not recognizing that you don’t know something). It’s often mistaken for being in “denial”. The short-term memory changes can also mean that a person with dementia may forget that they need a diaper, or that they aren’t getting out of bed any more.
Unusual behaviours can be related to many other things too, such as manipulation to get some other benefit (like attention or help), personality traits. depression, medication side effects and more. And sometimes there’s dementia PLUS one of those other things.
There are dignity suits that make it more difficult for a person to remove clothing and diapers. A predictable toileting schedule can also help avoid these situations.
Hello everyone. It’s helpful to hear your stories. My issue is concerning my mom saying she’s going to change her living conditions that would be totally unreasonable and unsafe. She is in Assisted Living which is the right place for her. Physically she has arthritis, fibromyalgia, spinal stenosis, unstable knees, a bum shoulder; what muscle she had has mostly atrophied from a few years in a wheelchair.
She is showing some dementia but worse is psychotic behavior. She hasn’t driven in years and says she’s going to buy a car. She hates where she lives (too small, food isn’t good, etc.) so she is going to buy a house, maybe move to another state. She lives in a very nice place. We’re over there a lot so we see some imperfections but they are MINOR.
Bottom line, how do we react to such statements that are totally unreasonable, irrational, and unsafe, not to mention she expects us to help her do these actions that are not in her best interests. Pointing out why it’s not a good idea just makes her mad and she feels we don’t want her to be happy. Any thoughts?
Your description of your mom paints a picture of someone with significant dependency and restricted mobility, which must be frustrating for her and for you. The “psychotic” behaviour that you report is typical in someone living with Alzheimer’s disease, or other types of dementia.
When someone starts making unreasonable complaints, it can be a sign of depression, so that would be important to rule out.
There are a number of approaches to a parent with dementia with unreasonable demands or ideas including fiblets (telling them they can’t move because of COVID, or some other plausible excuse), redirection (which it sounds like you’ve tried without success), distraction, validation, or some combination of the above. It might take some trial and error to figure out what works best.
In the end, it might be best to validate your mom’s concerns and offer a listening ear. Often, the person will move on to other issues, or eventually settle in at their current place.
Dr. K has recently published a book called: “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: a geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more”. This is a practical guide to how to start helping an aging parent, even when you don’t know where to start. You can learn more here.
Right now I would like my mom to not be talking to me.And to stay out of my room.
Hi Jeremy. I think we can all relate to wanting some space from our family members at times.
Depending on your age and your living situation, it may be reasonable to set boundaries with your parent about communication and privacy. I found this articel that might be helpful: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pain-explained/201912/how-set-boundaries-family Its focus is on coping with the holidays, but I think the tips are applicable any time.
My mother is having recurring UTIs and we are working to get that resolved with the urologist. However, her behavior of late has been quite distressing. She calls at all hours of the day and night talking total nonsense. I visited her tonight and for some reason she thought I was taking her home (she’s in a nursing home at present). When I told her I was not taking her home, she threw what can only be described as a crying tantrum telling me “I don’t want to do this anymore” and leaned forward and put her hands into fists and thrust them up and down.. This went on for about 10-15 minutes. Then suddenly she acted okay again. This isn’t the first time she’s thrown a fit. This is her 3rd or 4th bout with a UTI and I know those can bring on erratic behavior. My mom has always been somewhat difficult (needs to be in control and know all the details of what is going to happen, plus very particular about everything!)- she likes to have her way -but she has never acted like this. I’m hoping the behavior is due to the UTI and will resolve once that is under control. If not, I plan to ask for a psych evaluation because she seems to have lost the will to live (my dad died about 8 months ago). Any advise on how I can respond when she is acting this crazy. I’m exhausted and at the end of my rope.
That does sound exhausting and I’m sorry your mother is having urinary tract infections. As you mention, a UTI or other minor illness can cause significant behaviour changes in frail older adults. Urinary tract infection can be tricky to diagnose, and Dr. K has an excellent article about them, which you can read here: https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/urine-bacteria-without-uti-in-elderly/.
You seem to have some good insight into your mom’s prior personality and recent life events that could also affect her mood and behaviour, and I would agree that if treating a UTI doesn’t help, more assessment would be helpful.
You don’t mention if your mom is living with dementia, but even if she isn’t there are a couple of approaches to take if she seems to be irrational. I have a YouTube video that summarizes some of the things to remember when communicating: https://studio.youtube.com/video/N0haz51Ll9s/edit. Instead of directly contradicting your mom, if she thinks you’re there to take her “home”, it could be productive to try to validate that she’s stressed and try to distract her with some happy or comforting memories. Sometimes music, photos, or other materials can help too.
Another resource is Dr. K’s new book: When Your Parent Needs Help: a geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more. This book is designed for those at the beginning of the Helping Older Parents journey but has very practical tips about how to stay focused and avoid burnout when caregiving for a parent.