Here’s an upsetting situation that comes up a lot, and may have come up for you: is someone financially taking advantage of Mom or Dad?
It’s a pretty legitimate concern to have. To begin with, most people know that there are plenty of “scammers” out there, phoning or mailing older adults with deceptive information designed to hoodwink them out of some of their savings.
But there’s actually another form of exploitation that may be more common, and is often harder for families to address.
That would be exploitation perpetrated by a someone the older person knows and has a personal relationship with.
Sometimes the person suspected of exploitation is relatively new to the older person’s life, such as a new romantic interest, friend, or paid caregiver.
In other cases, family members become concerned that someone in the family – such as one of the older person’s children – is beginning to take financial advantage of things.
Exploitation in the context of personal relationships is often especially tricky for families to address. The older person may be quite attached to – or otherwise feel dependent on – the person that others perceive as suspicious or problematic. Or there may be concerns about stirring up family dramas and conflicts, by voicing concerns about a sibling or another relative.
People are often unsure of what exactly constitutes illegal activity, and what can be done if they are concerned about financial exploitation.
So in this article, I’ll cover the key things you should know, so that you can better evaluate and address a worrisome situation, should one arise.
Specifically, in this article I’ll explain:
- Key terms to know, related to the financial exploitation of older adults
- Some common examples of financial abuse
- How to know if an older person is at risk, or otherwise particularly vulnerable to exploitation
- What to do, if you suspect financial exploitation of an older adult
- How to reduce the risk of being financially exploited
I’ll also share a list of additional resources and references at the end.
Key terms to know
The financial exploitation of older adults is also known as “financial abuse.” It is considered a type of elder abuse. It may occur simultaneously with other forms of abuse, such as neglect, emotional abuse, or physical abuse.
It’s important to know that although there is some federal involvement in addressing elder abuse, the definition of what exactly constitutes elder abuse or financial abuse is mainly determined by state law. (Find your relevant local statutes here: State Elder Abuse Statutes.)
Still, here are some useful general definitions:
Definition of Elder Abuse (per the CDC): “Elder abuse is an intentional act, or failure to act, by a caregiver or another person in a relationship involving an expectation of trust that causes or creates a risk of harm to an older adult.”
Definition of Financial Abuse or Exploitation (per the CDC): “The illegal, unauthorized, or improper use of an older individual’s resources by a caregiver or other person in a trusting relationship, for the benefit of someone other than the older individual.
This includes depriving an older person of rightful access to, information about, or use of, personal benefits, resources, belongings, or assets.
Examples include forgery, misuse or theft of money or possessions; use of coercion or deception to surrender finances or property; or improper use of guardianship or power of attorney.”
State laws include criminal law statues and civil law statues. Financial abuse is often addressed in both types of statutes. Criminal activity can be investigated by law enforcement, but illegal activity that falls under civil statutes generally isn’t.
The role of “undue influence”
Another term that is important to understand is “undue influence.” Basically, we are all influenced by people we have relationships with, and this can affect the way we choose to spend our money or share our assets.
But was this influence “undue,” or otherwise “improper”? Families or others sometimes worry that an older person has been inappropriately pressured or manipulated, or perhaps taken advantage of due to memory problems or a dependent situation.
Such “inappropriate” influence can be called “undue influence.” It’s an important concept to understand for two reasons.
First of all, it’s through such manipulative interpersonal dynamics that perpetrators are often able to commit financial abuse. Second, it’s a term that is often used in state laws related to elder abuse, or sometimes to statutes related to guardianship issues.
Here is a general definition, followed by California’s definition (which was just revised in 2014):
Definition of Undue Influence (per the American Bar Association & National Center on Law and Elder Rights): “When people use their role and power to exploit the trust, dependency, and fear of others. They use this power to deceptively gain control over the decision making of the second person.”
Definition of Undue Influence (per California State Law): “Excessive persuasion that causes another person to act or refrain from acting by overcoming that person’s free will and results in inequity.”
California’s statute goes on to specify four criteria which should be considered when determining whether a result was produced by undue influence. These include:
- The victim’s vulnerability,
- The factors that created authority or power for the influencer (e.g. being a necessary care provider),
- The actions or tactics used by the influencer (which might include controlling access to others or to life necessities),
- The “equity of the result” (e.g. economic consequences to the victim, divergence from the victim’s prior intent, etc).
To summarize: financial exploitation is a subset of elder abuse, and basically means inappropriately using an older person’s financial resources, for the benefit of someone other than the older person.
Such exploitation is often – but not always — facilitated by the perpetrator using “undue influence,” in which they create some kind of manipulative dynamic that allows them to take advantage of the older person.
Examples of financial abuse
Unfortunately, there many different ways to financially exploit an older adult. It’s not possible to list them all, so instead, I’ll share two common categories to keep in mind, along with some examples.
One way to think about financial abuse is to categorize perpetrators as “predators” versus “opportunists.”
“Predators” are individuals who purposefully seek out vulnerable older adults (or sometimes any adult), with the intent to defraud them or otherwise financially exploit them. Examples of this kind of financial abuse include:
- Telemarketing or other forms of phone scams
- Lottery scams
- Homeowner/reverse mortgage scams
- Email/phishing scams
- Imposter scams, in which someone impersonates a grandchild or other relative and says they urgently need money wired to get out of trouble
The perpetrators of predatory financial abuse do sometimes work for several days — or longer — to establish a relationship with a vulnerable older person. This New Yorker article describes the way one 89-year old woman was persuaded to send large sums of money to a scammer, after he spent a week telephoning her and led her to believe he’d become a “friend.”
For more on common predatory scams affecting older adults, see Top 10 Financial Scams Targeting Seniors , from the National Council on Aging.
Whereas “predators” are purposefully out to defraud or exploit others, “opportunists” are those who end up financially exploiting an older person because…well, the opportunity arose, usually due to a relationship between the older person and the one who ends up exploiting the situation. Examples of this type of financial abuse might include:
- Using an older parent’s ATM card without their permission
- Forging or misusing an older person’s checks
- Using the authority granted by a power of attorney to use the older person’s funds for one’s own needs
- Pressuring an older parent into paying expenses for oneself or for someone else
Such “opportunistic” abuse can be committed by family members, paid in-home care providers, or even trusted people outside the home, such as financial advisors or spiritual advisors.
Financial abuse is also sometimes committed by newer friends or romantic interests, who may take advantage of a lonely older person’s generosity or interest in maintaining the relationship. Some such new romantic interests appear to be “predators” who actually seek out vulnerable targets, whereas others seem to be “opportunists.” (Of course, suspicion or resentment of an older person’s new relationship does not always mean that abuse or even manipulative situations are occurring.)
The difficulty, of course, with these examples is that plenty of common situations may fall into gray areas.
If an adult child is living with and perhaps assisting an older parent, and the parent seems appreciative and wants to give that child extra money, is that exploitation? Or just a natural expression of appreciation?
If an older woman gets re-married late in life and agrees to send large sums of money to her new husband’s adult child, is that exploitation? Or just her exercising her autonomy and right to give money to whomever she chooses?
If your older father has made your sister, who lives near him, a joint owner on his bank account, and your sister starts using money from that account to cover what she says are her expenses in assisting your father, is that legit?
It’s easy to see how different people may have different perspectives on such a situation. Although in some cases it may seem quite clear that what happened is financial abuse of an older person, other situations will be murkier and will be challenging to sort out.
How to know if someone is at risk
One of the biggest risk factors for financial abuse is having some form of cognitive impairment, whether mild or more substantial such as Alzheimer’s disease or a related dementia.
Obviously, having problems with memory or other aspects of thinking makes one more vulnerable to deceit and misuse of one’s funds.
That said, it’s critical to realize that even “mentally sharp” older adults can easily fall prey to financial exploitation. That’s because plenty of factors other than memory play a role in making an older person vulnerable.
Here are some of the key factors that increase the risk of exploitation:
- Loneliness. Lonely older adults more likely to be receptive to the overtures of a financial predator. They may also be more susceptible to manipulation by a family member or opportunist.
- Isolation. When older adults are isolated, there may be fewer family or friends around to notice a suspicious situation and intervene. Isolated older adults are also often lonely.
- Poor physical health and needing assistance with daily tasks. This is associated with being dependent on others, and such dependency can create the opportunity for exploitation.
- Age-associated brain changes make people more trusting as they get older. Research has shown that as people age, they tend to become more optimistic and more trusting. This can help older adults become happier as they get older, but may well be part of why many of them can be financially exploited by scams.
- Cognitive impairment. Again, this is not necessary for financial exploitation to happen, but it can certainly facilitate it. Also, if an older person previously completed a durable power of attorney (POA) document, the agent of an impaired person can easily abuse the POA and mismanage funds for their own benefit.
Although one might assume that it’s mainly wealthy older adults that get financially abused, one research study found that poverty was associated with financial exploitation too.
In short, financial exploitation can happen to almost any older adult, but being lonely, isolated, and/or dependent on others makes an older person especially vulnerable. Cognitive impairment also increases the risk of financial exploitation.
What to do, if you suspect the financial exploitation of an older adult
If you suspect that your older parent — or another older person — is being financially exploited, it’s important to take action.
According to the National Adult Protective Services Association, signs of potential financial abuse include:
- Termination of vital utilities such as telephone, water, electricity / gas, or garbage
- Unpaid bills and liabilities despite adequate income
- Oversight of finances surrendered to others without explanation or consent
- Transferring assets to new “friends” assisting with finances
- Checks written to “Cash”
- Does not understand his/her current finances, offers improbable explanations
- Unexplained disappearance of cash, valuable objects, financial statements
- Unexplained or unauthorized changes to wills or other estate documents
- Giving-away money or spending promiscuously
- Appearance of property liens or foreclosure notices
In general, any and all forms of elder abuse — including financial abuse — should be reported to your local Adult Protective Services (APS) office. (More on APS below.) You can use the Eldercare locator online to find your local APS office.
But there are also other actions you can consider taking. Exactly what to do will depend somewhat on the circumstances, the evidence you have found so far, the older person’s relationship with the perpetrator, and your relationship with the older person.
Here are some steps to consider taking:
- Talk to the older person. Before telling an older person what to do or not do — or otherwise swooping in to help — it’s always a good idea to try to talk and get a sense of how they see the situation. This helps older adults feel heard and understood, which may then make it easier for them to accept your assistance, if it becomes necessary.
- Gather more information or evidence as to what is occurring. To the best of your ability, try to make sure you have information to confirm your concerns or suspicions. Talk to other family members as well, if possible, so that the family can coordinate their efforts to investigate and intervene.
- Contact the older person’s financial institution. They may or may not be able to divulge details to you, but new rules are making it easier for them to refuse or stop disbursements if there is suspicion of financial abuse. Congress also passed a “Senior Safe Act” in 2018, to empower financial professionals to act.
- Contact your local Adult Protective Services (APS) office. APS offices are designed to help investigate allegations of abuse. For more on how APS helps and what happens when a report is made, see here: National Adult Protective Services Association: Get Help.
- Contact law enforcement. This is especially important if you suspect fraud, theft, scams, or other criminal activity. Your local police department or sheriff’s office is generally a good place to start. Your local APS office should also be able to tell you which law enforcement agency to contact with your specific concerns.
The US Department of Justice’s Elder Justice Initiative also maintains a handy “Report Abuse” page, which includes an interactive “roadmap” questionnaire to help you identify specific authorities to which you can report financial abuse: Find Help or Report Abuse.
Most states also require individuals in certain positions to report suspected elder abuse, including financial exploitation. Health providers are often mandated reporters, and in some states, financial professionals are as well.
Of course, you are likely to be facing one or more of the following challenges:
- The older person may resist your concern or attempts to intervene, feeling that you are infringing on her autonomy or implying that he isn’t capable of taking care of his finances.
- Try to be as supportive and respectful as possible, as you express concerns. Use better communication approaches, such as using “I” messages and making sure the older person feels heard and understood.
- If you don’t have an active power of attorney or another way to access the older person’s financial information, it can be hard to determine what is going on, and intervene to stop problematic disbursements.
- You should still express your concerns to the older person’s bank or financial institution. As noted above, new rules are being implemented to enable financial professionals to intervene or at least place holds on disbursements, when financial exploitation is suspected.
- In a few states, financial professionals are mandated to report suspected financial abuse. Check your local elder abuse statutes (or Google) to find out who is a mandated reporter in your state.
- The suspected perpetrator may be restricting access to the older person, by refusing to let others talk to the older person on the phone, or visit.
- If you really are concerned about financial exploitation or other elder abuse, you should call Adult Protective Services so that they can investigate. They will not disclose the name of the reporting party to the older person or suspected perpetrator.
- If you’re not quite ready to call APS, try voicing your concerns to other individuals who may still have access to the older person, such a health provider or a clergy member. They might be able to encourage more communication to resolve conflicts. Your concern might also prompt them to look into a worrisome situation.
- For more assistance, consider contacting a civil elder law attorney.
In short, if you suspect that an older person is being financially exploited, what’s most important is to do something.
Be as respectful as possible of the older person’s feelings and autonomy, but do try to find out more, try to delay any spending if possible, and report your concerns to the appropriate authorities.
In general, Adult Protective Services (APS) is the key social service agency to call, when you suspect financial abuse or any other kind of elder abuse. That said, APS offices are locally operated, so different agencies may take slightly different approaches to investigating concerns.
If you are not sure whether certain activity constitutes financial elder abuse, check your local state statutes, and/or consult an attorney.
How to reduce the risk of financial exploitation in aging
As is often the case, when it comes to financial exploitation, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
The challenge, however, is that taking steps to reduce the chance of exploitation often requires older adults to do two things that most find difficult.
- Realize that they are at risk. This is tough because most of us have trouble imagining a time when we might become vulnerable, gullible, or cognitively impaired. It can be distressing to think about, plus the known age-associated tendency towards optimism makes it even harder to imagine such situation.
- Consider giving up some privacy and autonomy. Basically, to reduce the risk of financial exploitation, you have to be willing to do things like letting others periodically review your financial activity, and under some circumstances, overriding what you are trying to do.
Understandably, many people are reluctant to give others the ability to review their decisions and intervene in their autonomy.
Still, such sacrifices are probably necessary, to significantly reduce one’s risk. And if done carefully and thoughtfully, it should be possible to still help an older person maintain some privacy, dignity, and autonomy.
Here are a few specific steps to consider, to reduce the risk of financial exploitation:
- Simplify your finances, so that there are fewer accounts to oversee or regularly review.
- Authorize each of your financial institutions to contact 1-2 trusted individuals (such as an adult child or one’s agent designated in a durable power of attorney), in case of suspicious financial activity.
- Develop some method of allowing your trusted individuals to review your financial activity. Options include:
- Giving them online access to your accounts, so that they log in and review as needed.
- Scheduling regular reviews of your assets and spending. This can be a good way to keep your financial power of attorney agent in the loop, so that he or she is well-prepared to step in should you become ill or disabled.
- Learn about common ways that older adults are scammed by strangers, such as lottery scams, imposter scams, and other common predatory attempts. Be careful about establishing phone or email communications with strangers, especially if they bring up anything financial.
- Draft your financial power of attorney (POA) document in a way that reduces the risk of abuse. A 2018 issue brief from the American Bar Association describes some options, which include:
- Require periodic accounting to a third party.
- Require a second signature for large transactions.
- Grant the power to revoke to a trusted third party.
Professionals such as one’s financial advisor or an attorney (preferably one experienced with age-related legal issues) can also help advise as to the best way to protect oneself and thoughtfully empower others to intervene if it seems warranted.
Last but not least, I would recommend embarking on a series of “planning ahead just in case” conversations with one’s family or close friends.
Just as we recommend that older adults talk to family about what kind of medical care they would want, if too ill to decide, we should also encourage people to talk about how their family could intervene, if they get worried about potential financial exploitation.
Helpful Resources
Here are some of the resources I found especially helpful, in researching this article:
- US Department of Justice Elder Justice Initiative: Financial Exploitation
- Good site with a roadmap feature to guide you to the right agency to report certain types of exploitation to, links to state-specific elder abuse statutes, and more.
- National Adult Protective Services Association: Elder Financial Exploitation
- Includes a useful list of common forms of exploitation, whether by scams, strangers, or trusted individuals
- There is also a page describing how APS usually helps here.
- National Center on Elder Abuse: State Resource List
- This site provides links to state-specific resources to address financial abuse and other forms of elder abuse.
- Recognize and Report Elder Financial Abuse
- This helpful page lists a number of common scams and frauds, along with specific authorities to contact for certain situation.
- National Center on Law and Elder Rights. This site is more geared towards supporting legal professionals. These three resources are more technical but I found them very useful:
I also learned a lot from interviewing attorney Candace Heisler, JD, who is a nationally recognized expert on the prosecution of elder abuse. Listen to the podcast episode here:
070 – Interview: Addressing & Preventing Financial Exploitation in Aging
Remember, financial exploitation is common and can happen even to older adults who are “mentally sharp.”
So if you’re concerned about possible financial abuse, please take action, either by investigating further or by taking one of the other steps I describe above. If ever in doubt, Adult Protective Services can help you think through your next steps.
And don’t forget: if you’re an older adult, take sensible steps to reduce the risk of financial abuse. Your aging brain will optimistically think it can’t happen to you. But it could, because it happens to lots of older people!
So, be proactive and take steps to allow others to help if it becomes necessary. This will make things easier for your family, should a concerning situation arise, and can help protect your money so that it does what it should do, which is be there for YOU.
Have you taken steps to prevent financial exploitation, or otherwise had any experience with this issue? I’d love to hear from you below.
We’re the older adults about to move into a CCRC for the rest of our lives.
We’re selling the house, and have been accepted in the place of our choice.
We’ve instituted an annual family vacation – kids pick the dates and place, we go along with their choice. So they see each other and us at least once a year.
This first time, in Maui, my husband did a short presentation about our finances and plans (half an hour), and the kids were very skittish, but they sat through it. Husband and I encouraged a bit of discussion, and answered questions, and reassured them that it was informative and that they aren’t required to do anything, probably for years.
We got compliments afterward, and our kids must have talked about it with their friends, because they also relayed compliments from friends and intentions of doing it themselves.
By the time the kids have to take over, our finances will be very simple, and we’ll have had years of this – our parents didn’t do anything like this, and we decided it’s important.
Plus they won’t have to do ‘moving mom and dad into care’ nor ‘dejunking and selling the family manse.’ They are most grateful, and have been encouraging us to do what we need and want.
Good results all around from some basic openness.
Wonderful that you have been so proactive, and that you’ve already gotten started addressing financial issues with your children.
I think it’s also great that you invited your children to discuss things after presenting your plans. Generally it’s good to keep inviting one’s family to share how they feel about the conversation, esp if they look uncomfortable or distressed. The more people can air out what they are really thinking and concerned about, generally the better.
Your post deeply concerns me. If my parents sat me down and gave me orders like this, I’d run the other way. “Required”. “Have to”. Such a guilt trip. Did you add, that if they don’t abide by your plan you will cut them out of your will? Your children owe you nothing in return for raising them. It would be completely different if you asked if they would help when the time comes, you are not requiring them to do anything. If you raised them well, they would likely be very happy to help out when needed.
” and that they aren’t required to do anything, probably for years … .By the time the kids have to take over,
This should not be a concern, but rather a relief. I have worked in a Continuing Care Retirement Community for almost 15 years and I wish every resident would be so prepared for the future. It is not about a parent ordering a child to do what they want, but more relieving their children of the burden when the time comes. It may be difficult and even frightening for children to sit down and discuss end of life issues with their parents, but this is something where avoiding the issue is definitely not the best course of action.
From a personal point of view, and as a nurse, I was very up front with my Mom in discussing what her wishes were and advised her to make her arrangements while she was healthy and of sound mind, file it so we all knew where it was, and then go enjoy her life. She made her funeral arrangements, even what she wanted sung at her service, etc- so when the time came many years later I was able to pull out those documents and breathe a huge sigh of relief. I was able to go through the time of grieving without the additional stress of making financial decisions at such a difficult time. My brothers and I easily navigated the waters of distributing her belongings and finances since she had already spelled out her wishes.
Unfortunately, I have seen many families where I work literally split apart when a parent dies, fighting over finances and belongings- something they all thought would never happen of course. To have everything clearly spelled out ahead of time truly does prevent that. This scenario also occurs when a parent can no longer make financial decisions due to some type of dementia- again, something children never dream will happen to their parent.
Preparation truly helps everyone involved and alleviates any guilt, not causes it.
NM: It’s great to comment on the article, but please, let’s not comment unfavorably on how others have chosen to address any aspect of their health, aging, or advance planning.
The original commenter’s post didn’t strike me as particularly dictatorial. It sounded to me that she’s assuming her children may “have to” or be “required” to step in and assist at some point, or even “take over.” That doesn’t strike me as unreasonable. Unless one is estranged from one’s adult children, they often do step in to help if it becomes necessary.
Whether her children feel they have been given “orders” is something we can’t really know from the comment…didn’t sound very likely to me, but it’s also none of my business.
That’s terrible, if one is worried about being cut out of a will, guilt trip etc. They shouldn’t think they deserve anything! My mom 90 gave up her entire life for her kids. Widowed at 34 with 4 children youngest 1, I was 3, she never brought another man into our home & work hard low paying jobs, never took gov. Assistance except a whole $25 per kid from dad’s and & he was retired. We had nothing but everything Love, roof, food.! She is now destitute after her only granddaughter took advantage of her. Just now finding out, because I live in a different part of state. After spending over $15,000 I secured for after refinancing because she broke her shoulder ( less than 2 yrs to pay off & I couldn’t even get a settlement, she’d of lost her if I didn’t & maxed it to 30 yrs for lowest payment, I don’t care if I am giving up what she is leaving me, it should be about the elderly parents) waiting tables at 84 & WC care did minimum, blaming age. FL laws state if you are over 75, you get only 5 yrs . I now find out, money gone ,grandkid has been gone who had been getting groceries for 5 yrs. Money is gone, broken leg, broken wrist, never was I notified because not only was she exploit3d I was too! She also took my mom to lawyer changed her to admin will. Called my mother today only to find her phone cut off for non payment. This grandchild never notified me of physical or financial situation. She put a wedge between my mom and myself. When she felt so dependant upon her not to believe me. I will be bringing her to live with me this week. Her home has been the only constant in her life! All 6 of her Bros Sis’ dead 4 of 5 of her kids dead. I am the only one & I do feel guilty & I don’t want, nor ever have expected a thing. I have been on my own since 17 & have always felt & acted to help her any way I could. I do feel guilty I didn’t act earlier, I owe her the world & my life. Even though I have nothing, I have love, a roof and food, the same she gave me. This is an old post I know but to make her grandmother go shopping on her own in a pandemic, broken bones & left with no money is disgusting, makes me sick. Family should never break a trust & such an obvious offender, 5 yrs no more WC, spent all her money, who does that? I will take this to the limits of the law. Sorry for rant but just found out today & I thank you very much for your article, it is very helpful.
Thanks for sharing your story, Theresa and I’m so sorry for the difficulties you and your mom are having. You describe very well what many children of aging parents are experiencing – overwhelm, guilt and exhaustion. I hope that your mom heals quickly and that you find comfort in having her live with you. You might have heard about Dr. Kernisan’s Helping Older Parents membership and I would recommend looking into it if you want to get more support in helping your mom. It’s a unique and affordable program she founded to answer questions and support people helping aging parents.
The membership provides ongoing guidance from her and her team of professional geriatric care managers, to help you more easily get through your journey helping your aging parents. It also includes access to her popular Helping Older Parents Course and live QA calls with her.
Thank you miss Nicole, I will check it out. She is safe & happy now, I got her Saturday, after her great grandson terrorized her, killed her bird. I. I was there ASAP , police wouldn’t do anything. No restraining order, I am going back tomorrow to get the rest of her stuff & will go in personally. He gets mail there, was the excuse, hasn’t paid a dime in years. I had no clue!! She can’t hear a thing & can hardly walk. But now she is peaceful. I will check all options, take name off her bank acct. tomorrow when I take her back for doc appt. My friend is a realtor & will be putting lock box on doors. So many memories there, I am glad she finally wants to leave. Everyone’s gone & sitting in that big home scared & lonely, I just wished she’d called me sooner. People please check on elderly, Love & Peace Thank you!
I too have a step granddaughter that is taking advantage of my husband – her grandfather. For 7 years we have fed her, provided a roof and paid all her bills. I finally put my foot down and sent her emails that this was not right. For the last year of the pandemic we have been living in hotels while the 25 year old adult granddaughter lived in our home and paid no bills, no rent money and we even gave her money for groceries. After I said no more she had another family member threaten me with a restraining order that I am harassing her. Quite the opposite in my opinion. Not only are we paying 3 grand a month on hotels & added expenses for restaurant eating we are loosing 2 grand a month on our home we could be renting out to someone who will pay rent. She manipulates him horribly and also has created a huge wedge in our relationship. I just got word she is moving out next week because I have put out so much displeasure on how she has treated my husband and my self. Try for a year living in hotel rooms during a pandemic. Not fun at all. I wish the best for everyone who is going through this and I hope you get rid of the free-loader that maybe causing financial ruin for our elderly people we love.
That sounds like an awful situation to be in and I’m glad to hear that it might be resolving now. COVID has turned the world upside-down for many older adults. Thanks for taking the time to share your experience and I hope things get better soon.
It’s important to know what kind of abuse is happening whenever an older member of the family starts withdrawing from the world around them–if it’s in the case of financial abuse it would usually signal that there are unpaid bills piling up despite there being an adequate source of income, or checks being signed out to ‘Cash’ instead of being directly sent to an individual. Seeing the signs as soon as possible is a way to be able to protect yourself from future scammers since there is always the possibility of catching whoever is doing it to the elderly member of the family and turning them over to the police before it’s too late. If I had the chance to catch someone abusing my dad’s savings now that he’s older, it’s best to ask him gently about what’s happening and see what’s going on with his finances.
My sibling has isolated my 97 year old mother from myself & my family for 2 years now. He won’t let her see or speak to any of us. She has been showing signs of dementia for about 5 years now & will not go against what he tells her to do.
Last Oct I found out he took her to a lawyer to amend her trust removing myself & my family completely & leaving everything to himself 100%. I know he made the appointment & told the lawyer what the trust should say because my mother would never have done something like this or was she capable of executing this change. He’s also had her sign other legal documents that she didn’t know what she was signing.
What can I do moving forward ? I no longer have any relationship with this sibling & don’t care to in the future.
I’m sorry to hear of this, this sounds like a terrible situation for you and your family.
If you think your sibling is exploiting or otherwise abusing your mother, you should seriously consider reporting this to Adult Protective Services. Otherwise, I think you may need to consult with an attorney yourself, if you want to try to contest the change to the trust and estate documents. You would need to ask if the evidence you have (regarding your mother’s dementia) seems to be sufficient to successfully contest the change. I imagine contesting the change in estate documents would require going to court, but the attorney would know better than I.
Good luck!
I am spending myself until I am completely spent to help my mother. She was willing to hand over her own life for my sake and did not get far from doing so even though I did not provide any reciprocation in return, and I will do so for my mother even if this were not so. My mother has been assaulted and illegally confined in an elder facility, before which she was completely healthy; after which she had traumatic memory loss, no rehabilitation, and tormented by newly ill-gotten treatment forced upon her by the perpetrator by misrepresentation of power of attorney forms, having been forced into the facility my mother calls “a graveyard”, and I know my mother’s cries, which the groanings of bear unheard silent witness that the confinement is diabolically equal to being buried alive. Her child, my sibling also, wrote my mother’s name on papers representing my mother’s 0.5 million dollars savings, of which I want to remain my mother’s, only even if no one inherits it which, I do not care. Other as bad and worse instances occurred in the last year and a half which I will not go on for brevity. I’ve gone to every legal entity which replies they do not have jurisdiction. My mother needs help; they have illegally confined my mother and my future until my mother is taken out of Auschwitz-equivalent treatment, treatment I only imagined still existed in terrorist colonies, yet may not be heard of anywhere today. I will give everything I have to rescue my mother. Please let me know how to conquer the adversary and win my mother’s God given life.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s plight, Robert, and I can understand that it’s painful for you. I’m not sure what you mean when you say you’ve gone to every legal jurisdiction, as that was gong to be my recommendation – to get a lawyer and find out if you can petition for guardianship. If you think your mother is being neglected or abused by staff where she’s living, I would advise making a complaint with the regulatory board for the home. I wish I could provide more specific advice, and your situation sounds heartbreaking. Your mom is lucky to have such a concerned child.
Thank you. I have no money to pay a lawyer to warn the law to use its authority. I have gone to all the places you have said and it is a ring of “I’ve got your back” (according to a law school faculty member) or “it’s not in our jurisdiction”.
We are having a similar situation where an angry estranged sibling who is taking care of elderly mother is isolating and now changing documents such as POAs.
I’m sorry to hear of this situation, it must be very stressful for your family and also it’s sad and painful when this type of thing happens.
I interviewed an eldercare attorney earlier this year and we touched on this type of situation: 097 – Interview: Common Elder Law Issues When Helping Aging Parents
Unfortunately, if you are concerned that a family member is exploiting or pressuring an older parent to make legal changes, you can report it to APS but it’s also often necessary to seek legal representation. Of course, it’s best to try communication first, and sometimes bringing in a professional mediator can help, if your previous attempts to talk with the angry sibling have failed. Good luck!
I’m scared and don’t know what to do. When my mom passed we kids had to take over the financials and all else for my dad. He just never dealt with paying bills, making health appointments, taking care of taxes, getting his prescriptions in order. They had two savings accounts. One had $88,000. and the other 74,000. A relief at the time, home paid for. I was the one mainly handling everything. My dads ssi is 3,300 a month. I thought he was good for now…doesn’t need in home care yet(84 years old) and I’ve watched him give his 3 grand daughters for college $6,000 each. Some here and there to 2 of my brothers. But now I just found out mt 2 brothers between the two in one month have taken ( my dad gave them, cuz they asked for the help) $60,000. The one account has bills taken out of it( around $7,000 a year) and the $88,000. account is now down to $13,000. That’s not from him spending…given to my 2 brothers and their families for cars and vacations. I’m livid, shocked and heartbroken. I’m scared because you know his medical needs will become more, or if needs hospital care or nursing care. They actually had the balls to think he should pay for his grandchildren’s college….with what??? I don’t have the money to care for him. I’m scared…they are whipping him out. I’m sending letters to them about all of this and not to take a dime any more. These two family’s take lots of vacations, children that have never worked, go out for lavish dinners, champagne life on a cheap beer budget. I confronted my dad and explained his financial situation and now he’s sad. He never had to deal with money. I’m scared. I never in my worst nightmares imagined my lazy ass irresponsible brothers would do this. What to do?
So sorry to hear of your situation, I can see why you’d be upset and concerned.
If your father doesn’t have memory or thinking problems, then generally he does have the right to decide to give away money to some of his children. This can be infuriating if you think it’s a bad decision. Whether it’s actually illegal would depend on a lot of things, including the laws on undue influence and exploitation where he is.
You might consider bringing this up with your brothers, to understand how they saw the situation and also to see if there is any way they can return the money, or at least promise to help financially support your father if it becomes necessary.
Also, I find myself wondering who is actually your father’s financial power of attorney. (If he hasn’t designated you or someone else, ideally he would.)
Even if you are POA for your father, you generally won’t be able to keep him from spending money unless he’s forgetful and you’re able to hide the checkbook and otherwise make it infeasible for him. To really protect someone’s funds, it can be necessary to pursue guardianship, but that can be expensive and also it’s usually only granted if there’s a lot of evidence that the older person has developed significant memory and thinking (or other disabilities) that prevent them from managing their affairs.
Older adults often may not entirely understand the implications of the choices they make. But, we still often have to allow them to take responsibility. If he is low on money, he may need to look into Medicaid to help pay for some needs eventually.
I do think it’s important to try to engage your brothers in communication. Try to not be too overtly critical, because in the long run it’s better if you can cooperate as you care for your father over the coming years. Good luck!
My mother lives alone in a retirement community. Her housekeeper (3 times) has become her “friend”. Her housekeeper now can use a place to stay (stories of bad luck) and my Mom (82 yrs old) offered to help her out until her luck turned around and let her stay in her extra bedroom. The lady is starting her house cleaning business. This was alarming to all the kids. We had not heard of this person. We were home to visit in January and learned about this. The lady was to move in on Feb. 1st. We talked through it and talked with Mom. We met the woman and none of the kids have a good feeling about her. We talked to mom and finally agreed to not let her stay in her house. We let her know that she could not stay in Mom’s house. The lady friend (Jeanette) let us know that no other compromise was acceptable to her. We offered to help her find an apartment and Mom was even willing to give her some money to cover the extra rent above what she could afford. She has become Mom’s “friend”. It’s delicate in that we don’t want to offend Mom. For now Jeanette is going to stay on Mom’s neighbors couch (Mom met the lady through this neighbor, Mary- Mary has been a long term neighbor and friend). Mom wants to continue to help her out by giving her work (taking her to the store and cleaning her house). I have a brother and two sisters. A sister and brother live in the city and continue to check on Mom, but as the situation goes this lady friend is not out of Mom’s life. Jeanette is 62 and I see her not leaving any time soon. Should I talk with Jeanette in some way – I want to address her in some way. How can I lessen moms exposure and remove her from the situation – is that even possible?
Hi Mark. That sounds like a “delicate” situation to be sure. The main issue in a situation like this is the capacity of the older person to decide to give money and shelter to the “friend”. An older person can certainly make bad decisions, even ones that their family members don’t approve of, as long as they understand the risks and benefits. If the older person is living with dementia or some other condition that affects their insight and perception of the situation, there may be an avenue for family to intervene through legal or social services.
We have found out that my sister in law (who lives out of state) has grandson who knows her bank act # & is making 6 to 8 withdraw’s per month. Example she got paid on friday & by monday there debt card was rejected for a purchase. We are going to try to persuade her to change & open a new act. at her bank. Is it possible to have her brother, with her primission to open an acct with her & pay her bills & only give her money on a debt card, be in control of her money & pay all her bills, she could not withdraw on her own but have to go through her brother. This grandson is about her only visitor, we live oner 2000 miles away & are up in year ourself. If that is possible does it have a name we could ask to have at her bank. There are no is no same banks in her town where we live & vise versa. She is 2 months behind in her rent & has to go to the church for food.
Hi Sandra and I’m so sorry to hear about your sister in law’s difficulties. She can definitely assign an enduring power of attorney for property to her brother and he will then be authorized to manage her banking. It might not be possible to completely remove her involvement in her money, unless she is found incapable Her brother could put some safeguards in place, and the bank can probably provide some guidance about that.
Thank You for what you do. Since this pandemic, more and more elders are being abused. Physically, mentally, and financially. In my own family, we lost my brother, a veteran. The problems started when a gal told the medical staff a lie, a tale. When the staff at the first hospital pressed the gal to provide them legal doc., giving her legal authority the gal could not. The gal, began harrassing, bothering, threatening other family members. Brother and I made our concerns clear to the medical staff, the gal got madder. The hospital transfer him to another hospital. The gal keep on her rant, lies, tales. Still she couldn’t provide any proof. Again he was transferred further away into Texas. Two day’s after the transfer, he died. The BS is still on going. The hospital’s excuse for what happen; the covid 19.We are not allowed to allow anyone into visit the patients. What a contradiction. The staff allowed her into his room without any proof of who she was. Did not ID her. Nor were given any proof as to who she was, no judge’s order putting her in control. Sad. This is the hospital staff’s fault and this gal. The law enforcement agencies are too busy, don’t care, short staffed. Their reasons are many. People need to speak up and speak out against this. With each passing day each of us is a day older. He died and we the family was not notified.
That story is just heartbreaking and must be so difficult for your family. Hospitals have policies about who has access to patient information and visiting rules are stricter than ever, but situations like the one you describe can still happen. Thanks for sharing your story and the reminder that we need to cherish our family members while they’re still with us.
I have an elderly friend who lost his savings due to a scam.
I want to give him some money to make him more financially secure.
I spoke with the person who has durable power of attorney for his affairs.
She suggests that I set up a savings account for him that requires two signatures (his and mine) before any funds can be withdrawn.
Her reasoning is that should he die, the money in the account could be withdrawn by me and not be included in his estate.
I don’t think this is the right way to go about this.
I would appreciate your advice.
Your friend is lucky to have such a caring person in their lives.
I’m not a financial advisor, but I found this article, which some suggestions that might be more suitable: https://www.investopedia.com/articles/pf/09/help-family-members-trouble.asp. They mention that you could set up pre-paid bill payments for them, offer them some employment, or co-sign a loan. I hope those tips are helpful and thanks for sharing your comment.
My mother is 84 years old and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s four years ago. I am her POA. I have been caring for all her needs, including lawn care, shopping, MD visits, etc. I found out in February 2021 that she gave a credit card to a family member for a restaurant she opened in December 2020, which was charged up to $5000. This family member has a history of failing businesses and moves frequently, some 10 times in the last 5 years. My mother allowed her to again charge another $5000. I have expressed my concerns to my mother, who refuses to discuss the situation with me. Her mental capacity is sometimes altered, but not to the point she can no longer live alone. I know she is being exploited by the family member, and the family member’s daughter. Who is the best person to speak to regarding this, an attorney, law enforcement, the MD?
It sounds like you’re a very devoted daughter and I can understand your concern about your mom’s finances.
One of the important questions in a situation like this is whether your parent is capable of managing their property or not. A capable person, even if they’re living with Parkinson’s and in an older age group is entitled to make poor financial decisions.
Depending on where you live, you may be able to apply for a guardianship if you’re very worried about your mom’s finances, or check with her bank to determine if you are named as her POA for property and could act to protect her accounts.
A lawyer might be able to help guide you through the process.
You might also be interested in Dr. Kernisan’s new book, When Your Aging Parent Starts Needing Help. The online version has resources and worksheets that can help you work through the steps of figuring out the best way to helping your mom and start to take action. You can find out more by clicking on this link.
I became concerned that my 80 year old father-in-law, who had stage iv lung cancer, was being financially exploited by his “girlfriend” a few weeks ago, after witnessing her being overbearing and screaming demands to sell property to her, and physically isolating him. When I finally had a chance to visit with him alone I asked him how he felt about selling his home of 45 years and moving in with his girlfriend. he really did not understand why it was necessary to do it on such a rush basis but was going along with her in order to maintain peace. he and I had talked previously and he reconfirmed that it was his desire to die in his own home when the time came.
I became concerned after witnessing his girlfriend giving away personal property of his, literally right behind his back, and witnessing her outburst at him and myself and my husband on several occasions. I made a report to our APS office, hoping that they would be able to visit with him privately and let him know that he had a voice in what was going on. The investigator showed up the next week at the girlfriend’s house and left a card with her information on it at the door because no one was home. The girlfriend had taken my father-in-law to the hospital, where he stayed for a couple of days, until they released him on hospice care. Sadly we got a call about 4 hours after saying good night that my father-in-law had died.
My husband and I rushed over to the girlfriend’s house and were greeted by local police who had secured the house as a crime scene. My father-in-law was found lying on the bathroom floor and the paramedics believe he had a massive heart attack and died before he hit the ground. The girlfriend told us she had given him two Benadryl, and taken some herself to help them sleep. 2 hours later she was awakened by his dog and discovered him on the floor. The girlfriend has produced a will that was very poorly written and dated less than 30 days prior to his death. That will gave his estate to his two children, named the girlfriend as executor and trustee (of a very peculiar trust to be established for my husband), and named my father-in-laws brother as alternate for both. While at the funeral home making the final arrangements, the girlfriend announced she was keeping all of the money in my father-in-law’s accounts for herself. My sister-in-law has been amazingly agreeable to everything the girlfriend has stated, and the rest of the family is shocked and devastated and just not sure where to turn for help.
Since my father-in-law is now deceased, it seems the APS investigation will not move forward as APS does not involve itself and what they consider to be family matters. I am wondering if this is something we should report to local law enforcement for consideration? None of us in this family can afford the expense of attorneys to handle such a complex case that involves such a relatively small amount of money. Does anyone in our family have a right to question the girlfriend’s actions under the power of attorney, by demanding an accounting of how she spent his accounts both before he died and after? Any suggestions you may offer would be most appreciated. Thank you for publishing this article. It gave me some sense of peace knowing that I did the right thing by calling APS a few weeks ago. I only wish it had been in time to help and to remind my father-in-law that he had a voice even up until the very end. I pray that someone else finds this article at the right time in their life, and utilizes the help referenced.
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the awful situation you describe. Thank you so much for letting us know that the article was helpful to you, and I do hope that others find the information to be timely and useful as well.
I don’t have a background in law or law enforcement, so I’m not sure what the chances are of a criminal investigation here. You mention that the house was taped off as a crime scene, so perhaps finding out if there has been any follow up investigation would be a place to start.
Unfortunately, it often requires lawyers and legal expenses to sort out an issue like the one you describe. When selling the house, though, there would have been interaction with a lawyer and banker, and I wonder if those professionals had a sense of whether your dad was being coerced or was making a decision on his own?
Again, I’m so sorry that your dad has passed and I hope you find a peaceful resolution as a family.
We grew up with a very loving mom and dad, even though my dad was more strict, but my mom wore the pants. My mom was very educated and super smart. They worked hard to be able to have a good retirement.
It all started a year ago, during this pandemic. Our dad was put on in-home hospice and my mom wanted to take care of him, from their home. What we thought would be a short time, has turned into a long time for all of us. Yes, he is dying slowly, but surely.
My mom decided to get hooked by a romantic love scam during these lonely nights, by someone acting to be famous and lives outside the USA.
She spent months with this person, but he hadn’t asked for money, as he is rich and famous. Within the past 8mos. of him building this “lie” and deceiving her, we knew he would eventually ask. In the mean time (about 2mos. ago from today), my mom gets another phishing scam, that told her she was in trouble with computer stuff and identity theft. It was like the Amazon, Microsoft, Norton scams. After a long week and over $10,000 later, she realized it was a scam and told us. She was sending gift cards to that scam and we said, when do you ever pay bills with gift cards. All during that scam, she ,say she was in trouble, BUT SHE WAS HANDLING IT. Again, it turned into $10,000 later. We just knew the romantic scam would eventually hit.
Now, as of a week ago, she sat us all down and told us her famous person is coming to live with her in the deep woods of Alabama. We said why would this rich famous person want to live in the deep south, when he has a mansion on the beach in a beautiful country. She says because they are in love and he would drop everything for he. He played off the last few months that he had to go to prison, because of something he did a long time ago. They gave him 5 years, but are willing to let him go for $75,000. He is playing the media doesn’t know he is in prison. His lawyer (wink, wink) calls and emails my mom to set up the payment. She is refi. her house to get the money out, so we still have like 20 days until this happens. In the mean time, we are trying to wake her up, but she has turned on all of us and tells us, it’s just money.
People ask all the time what have we done to try to wake her up. #1, he will never show a live feed, even though he has a smart phone in prison (we know this scammer is not in prison). We tell he she is believing someone ear to ear, not eye to eye. He always has an excuse, then he sends her a selfie. In which I take the real famous person and send her a selfie of him and even put dates and sayings on the selfie we send and then we tell her how easy that is done. He tells her he can see her live, once he is out of prison. We then told her we would bring the money to him, to get him out. He shot that down by telling her he is a man and does not need us sons (men) to get him out, but my mom can come to him. He knows she won’t travel, let alone out of the country.
We love our mom and I do believe in honor your mother and father, but it’s not honoring when we are watching he and trying everything to stop this insanity she is believing in. We have done anything and everything one can think of and we still can not stop it. YES, my brother is POA, but until they deem my mom incompetent (which they won’t), which we tried, then there is nothing we can do.
If anyone is in this type of situation, then we feel for you and pray like you never have before, because it’s a long road and eventually you too will need to realize that you have to live your life as well and it is better to take away the poison that was distilled by this very person you love.
For us, we will still talk to her, look somewhat after her and still be there for my dad. The scam part, we don’t want to hear anything else about it, as we now tell he that can be her secret life and when she is broke and dad is gone, we will make sure she is fed and a roof is over her head, but far as broke, NO you do not get our money to do things, buy take out, go on trips and so fourth.
We would never guessed in a million years that my mom would fall for this such of thing. It is truly sick!
Since she has no onset of losing cognitive thinking, then this means she went 100%be stupid and this will be what we are left to think about at the end of her life. Our mom turned stupid!!!
I’m so sorry your family has had this experience, but I did edit your comment somewhat to make it easier to read.
I think using the word “stupid” is a bit harsh, although I understand your feelings of frustration. Many intelligent and assertive people fall for “sweetheart scammers” and other fraudsters over the internet. The unscrupulous scammers prey on the emotional vulnerability of single women and men in their later years.
I’m glad that you report an ongoing relationship with your mom, and she will certainly need you to help her pick up the pieces in the end. I would be interested to know if there’s anything a lawyer could do to untangle this web and protect what assets are left for your mom and dad.
Again, I wish I had some advice that would help in this situation and I feel for you all.
I appreciate the article. I read most of the comments, not all.
The article is timeous for me because I feel lonely even though my extremely busy daughter lives and works not far from my home (4o minutes drive) .
There is an online friend I befriended who exhibits traits of undue influence, financial abuser.
I thought I was judgmental but after reading this useful and relevant article I am comfortable that my online ” friend” is best kept a safe distance away from my finances and self.
I’m an African American living overseas for 30 years. I’m preparing to return, permanently, to the States.
I am divorced over 25 years. I’m selling my home here overseas and all my other assets.
My busy daughter ( Covid work demands), born overseas, will be accompanying me back to the States. Albeit she’s going to further her Specialist Medical Studies in Maryland. I’ll be in Iowa. Alone.
I have to search for a home to purchase for the elderly ( although I don’t feel elderly at 71 – seventy one-) in Des Moines, IA.
I’d appreciate any credible leads. I’m leaving overseas for the States end of 2022.
Glad you found the article to be timely and helpful, Lenn!
It sounds like you have a big transition to make, and I don’t know too much about what Des Moines, Iowa has to offer an older adult in terms of retirement living.
A real estate agent might be able to give you a sense of what communities are best for an older adult, but you’re the only one who can decide if you’re ready for a retirement home, or your own place. The American Association for Retired Persons website has quite a few articles about moving and downsizing as well.
Best of luck to you and your daughter!
I am a senior living on a tiny pension. I have just been bullied and intimidated by a lawyer and likely will lose my house and retirement. I cant afford a lawyer and my house is paid off. The equity in my house was the only reason he went after me. I called over 20 agencies to help me but nobody would. This abuse at its worst. Allegations were made up and I didnt have a lawyer so the judge awarded him a judgement of 1.8 million dollars against me. This is a crime to take everything a person has because they cant afford a lawyer.
That sounds like an unfair situation and I’m sorry to hear about it. I found this resource which lists services for free legal advice in the US: https://dailycaring.com/7-sources-of-free-legal-services-for-seniors/, although you may have already exhausted these options. There’s also this site for the state of California: https://www.lawhelpca.org/topic/seniors
I agree, it’s criminal to exploit and financially abuse older adults, and I sincerely hope you can find some justice in your situation.
Thank you so much for this article! It helped me down off a ledge today.
My grandson’s wife calls me consistently pressuring me for money, ostensibly on his behalf. A couple of weeks ago, I gave her $750 to reimburse her for a printer she paid for, for my grandson, and extra money just because they are without work and living in an extended stay motel. My grandson is 22 and she is 50-something, from Jamaica. I don’t understand the marriage, but it is not for me to judge. My grandson and I used to be very close, he spending summers with us every year while he was growing up. We provided for much of his material needs growing up, too, as his father didn’t have much money. Now, it seems his wife thinks of us as an unending money source and is constantly haranguing us for more and more. This last time, yesterday, she told me I hadn’t paid my grandson enough for a job he did for me, this despite the fact that my grandson wouldn’t name a price. I proposed a “job” price that I thought was reasonable and in accordance with what my research found online. Now she calls me and yells at me that I need to send him more money because the job took twice what he anticipated. The call devolved into a “F— you, you are the kind of woman I despise” kind of tirade against me, and she hung up on me. The thing is, hers is the only phone, so I cannot reach my grandson without her. She constantly talks about “leverage” and how my grandson doesn’t have any, so it’s up to the grandparents to provide it. He wants to start a business and she is pressuring us to bank roll it. I am fed up but don’t want to lose the relationship with my grandson. I feel like I am being manipulated and access to my grandson is being threatened. She has a phd and is not working. He is not working and barely made it out of high school with solid Ds and Fs. It seems they/she expect us to bank roll them, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. I hate feeling like a mark. We are retired. We worked hard our entire lives, lived below our means so that we could save and retire without worries. It’s not that we don’t have money to spare, it’s that we resent this kind of coercion from my granddaughter-in-law, who is nearly my age. They are two able-bodied people who could get jobs but who apparently choose not to.
Bottom line is that I feel like I will never see my grandson again and won’t be able to talk to him, since I have to call him on her phone, unless I give him more money. I am sickened inside by my phone call with her yesterday and the shouting match that ensued.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Hello Helen, and thanks for sharing what sounds like a heartbreaking situation.
You seem to have excellent insight into what’s going on, which does sound like emotional manipulation and attempted financial exploitation. I’m not an expert in financial planning, but it might be worth getting a professional involved to interface between you and your grandson. A lawyer or financial expert might be able to help you set boundaries, so that you can still help while minimizing the risk to your savings.
The AARP website has a good article about setting boundaries when lending money, and you can read it here: https://www.aarp.org/money/credit-loans-debt/info-2015/loans-and-personal-finance-tips.html
I’m glad you had a chance to vent and I hope things improve!